158

Phew. I finally am feeling back in control of my life. Jebus. It was gettin a little dicey for awhile but I'm feeling better. I just have to get this newspaper assignment done and then I'll be home free. I have forty dollars for two weeks to sustain me--that's enough for as much baby food as I'll need plus whatever I have in flex works too.

Throwing the boyfriend off my trail by behaving well but last night I couldn't hide it when we went out for dinner. I just sat there staring at the menu full of things I couldn't eat and knew I wouldn't eat and I almost cried. He totally saw and he ordered me a house salad no dressing. I love him.

I didn't eat it all though because I had already had 390 calories for the day (yikes).
I should have though because then when he went to go get his books I had a mini-binge on salad. I got a greens salad with buffalo chicken on it with my meal plan and I chowed down the chicken like nobody's business. I managed to stop and didn't purge so that was good and I've been fine today so I'm not gonna be too down about it.

B: Apple Vanilla Mixed Grain Baby Food (80)
L: Water
D: Mango Smoothie Baby Food (60) with flaxseed (50) Some lettuce with a bit of dressing on from last night (40?)
Planned Snack: Special K Bar (90)
Total : 320

--edit--

Well idk what just happened but I had a jar of Nutella and I had like three spoonfuls of it so that's about 300 calories right there. Just fucking ruined my good day and now I feel like shit and I have no energy to just burn it off. Fuck. I threw that shit out though so I think I'm better. Glad I'm at least able to catch myself before I binge. Oy.

F: Nutella (250)
Total: 570

FUCK why do I do this. And then I sat there and had a fucking pre-binge panic attack for twenty minutes until Boyfriend got there--not that he knew about it but still. At least he understands--kinda. He said he'd rather have me not eat than puke. And of course in my brain that came out as "i'd rather have you skinny than average" but I know he just wants me to stop hurting myself.

You know and I read this stupid blog to myself sometimes and I think about how crazy I sound and yet my thoughts are still the same. I just want it to go away. I keep tricking myself into thinking that when I'm thin I'll be better but I know it's not true and that's just my ed talking but it's soooo enticing.

I just hate thinking about the lengths of time in between periods that I can eat. Like right now I'm not that hungry but I'm /craving/ something and idk what. Probably just want to chew something. I need to get some more gum and have it after my baby food 'meals' so I feel like I had something more. Fuck. I was doing so welllllll.

Arg. I guess it's not the end of the world--I still have a thousand calorie deficit or so. Tonight I'mma go to the sports center after work I think...if I have the time. Maybe I'll go to the one in the apartments instead. More private, esp. at that time of night.

If not I'm definitely going to work out in my room because I can't fucking stand this lipid cocoon I'm trapped in.