158.5?

Was at 158 last night, now at 159, so I'm going to assume that has to do with my water intake for today. Not to mention the almighty monthly gift that won't let me get rid of all this water weight. UGH.

Had a friend's birthday dinner last night and nearly had a panic attack at the table. Not even one healthy option on the goddamn menu. Got a diet pepsi and the california salad without candied pecans (CANDIED NUTS ON A SALAD OMFG KILL ME) and bleu cheese. And with minimal dressing. It was good but the worst part is that I ate two small dinner rolls without even thinking about it. I was like a robot--my friend just handed it to me and told me to eat it so I did. Other than that I did great all day; the baby food diet is wonderful. I get to eat tiny pre-portioned meals that consist of only wholesome ingredients in their pure form. Nomnomnom. And these actually taste decent. I'm kind of leery to try any of the cheese or meat ones though--maybe when I'm feeling more adventurous.

Today:
B: Salad and a couple bites of chicken salad sandwich (120?)
L: Fiber One Bar (90)
S: Yoohoo Box (100)
D: Mango Baby food with flax (80)
Total: 390 (Gr.)
Gonna try and avoid dinner tonight with B but I'm sure he'll at least make me share. : ( Might have one more baby food tonight, fifty calories or so if he doesn't make me eat.

I'm doing a lot better with purging--I haven't purged through vomiting in about a week. Doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. Yesterday after salad I went into the bathroom and tried but I guess I didn't eat enough 'cause nothing would come up. I was in a foul mood all night after that : ( Sigh.

Sadly, in place of purging I've just been getting more and more afraid of food. For example just now I counted up my calories and looked at my apple on my desk and thought "yeah, i could have that later." and immediately flipped cause that would put me over four hundred. Apparently my basal metabolic rate is 1572.6, according to bmi-calculator.net. So theoretically if I only stayed in bed all day and ate what I ate I'd still be at a deficit of 1182.6 calories for the day. I've been mildly active and I take the stairs all the time so I think I'm doing okay. Hopefully two or three pounds gone by this week.

I haven't been exercising because I haven't had the energy or motivation : / Idk what's wrong with me. I loved running over the summer and now that I'm back it's like I have absolutely no desire. I'm sure once all the stress of the first couple weeks is done it'll be better but still, I'm not liking it. Want to get rid of this nastiness. Ugh.


---Non ED News--

Boyfriend apologized and we had a really good couple of days. It got a bit dicey at one point but it's worked out for the best. He got really really really drunk and ended up staying over, needing me to take care of him. Sigh. : / I don't mind; it's a labor of love, but still, I'd rather have just gone to sleep! Haha.
He wants to go to dinner tonight--honestly I don't know why he always is asking me to dinner; he must just think that I'll eat with him. Or he doesn't know what else to do on a date. Sigh.

In a bit of a money rough patch atm. I have 59 dollars to get me by for about three weeks until I get my first paycheck from the newspaper and from my other job. I hate the first few weeks in a new place--it isn't quite home yet and everything's just so darn inconvenient!! Oh well, soon enough it will be sorted out and then I can go about my way. I just need to make sure I'm staying on top of school work : / Gotta get that article for the paper done--that's number one!