Fuck this noise.
I'm happy to be so low but I know it's just my period making it happen.
Still--it's my lowest since this hellish nightmare started.
So I guess I'll take it.
I just watched the season premiere of HUGE on Abc family. WTF is all I can say. I'm glad they're addressing body image but I can already see an onslaught of ED-related drama.
I searched for treatment today online but all of it sounded more intense than I thought I needed. I'm so confused. I know I'm messed up but I don't feel like I'm sick enough to need help?
And then I know that doesn't make sense...so I'm worse still? God I don't even fucking know. All I know is that people are catching on and I'm panicking only thinking how can I make myself smaller each day? How many calories can I burn doing this? How long can I go without eating?
Or the best one--it's been days since I ate, so why am I not losing?
I'm so unhealthy.
FUCK.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
170
Despite probably retaining water on the rag, I'm 170. Gives me hope that I'm back on track. Can't believe I let myself get to 172 again.
FUCK. I hate it.
Bout to go run for at least an hour and burn 700 cals HOPEFULLY. I burn 2088 cals a day to stay alive according to my basal metabolic rate.
With a deficit of 2088 cals a day, I'd lose 4.176 lb a week. Coupled with exercise it would be more so I'm thinking I'm about to go hit the streets for a long run and then reward myself with a nap!
Buying a bathing suit friday I think. Sigh.
FUCK. I hate it.
Bout to go run for at least an hour and burn 700 cals HOPEFULLY. I burn 2088 cals a day to stay alive according to my basal metabolic rate.
With a deficit of 2088 cals a day, I'd lose 4.176 lb a week. Coupled with exercise it would be more so I'm thinking I'm about to go hit the streets for a long run and then reward myself with a nap!
Buying a bathing suit friday I think. Sigh.
Friday, June 25, 2010
171
Only had liquids today, but they were high-cal. I'm gonna say I had probably like 500 maybe 600 if I'm really pushing it. Water, coffee, and tea for the rest of the day.
I just obsessively freaked out and ran around my house looking for laxatives to flush my system. I weighed myself fifteen times or more just in case the number changed.
I've been denying myself this long, I've always 'said' i have an ED but I've always just thought I was choosing it. Now I realize--the pain is real.
It's depressing, I'll admit.
All I can think about is the number on the scale.
Fuck.
You know, the sick thing is that I think about this while I'm eating. I think, 'Don't. You'll regret it." but I do it anyway because it's what I want at the time.
How am I ever going to be 18.5 BMI if I keep this shit up? 120's my 'goal' weight.
110's my real one. But I'll probably be dead by then.
<3 Cheers.
I just obsessively freaked out and ran around my house looking for laxatives to flush my system. I weighed myself fifteen times or more just in case the number changed.
I've been denying myself this long, I've always 'said' i have an ED but I've always just thought I was choosing it. Now I realize--the pain is real.
It's depressing, I'll admit.
All I can think about is the number on the scale.
Fuck.
You know, the sick thing is that I think about this while I'm eating. I think, 'Don't. You'll regret it." but I do it anyway because it's what I want at the time.
How am I ever going to be 18.5 BMI if I keep this shit up? 120's my 'goal' weight.
110's my real one. But I'll probably be dead by then.
<3 Cheers.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Controlled.
Phew. I think I'm under control again. Idk what just happened this week but lordy I'm glad to be me.
Laxative day, cleaning out everything so I can be pure.
And maybe fucked in the ass. But who knows.
170 today.
Laxative day, cleaning out everything so I can be pure.
And maybe fucked in the ass. But who knows.
170 today.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
diet
"I'd offer her one but I know she doesn't want it."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Long pause.
"I just know you're really good about watching what you eat."
FUCK YOU.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Long pause.
"I just know you're really good about watching what you eat."
FUCK YOU.
170
Ok I feel a little better.
It's kind of weird to think that a month and a half ago I was excited to get under the 180 mark : /
Now I flip out if I'm over 170. It's good, though. 165 next, should have it by next week if I stay under 500 cals, according to losertown.com.
I love that thing. It tells you how much you will weigh (mathematically speaking, not accounting for variables) if you eat a certain amt of calories a day, based on your starting weight, your height, age, and sex.
According to that I'll be 120 by Dec. 3 if I stay on track. I'm determined. After this last week of eating like shite I'm all for it. Besides hanging out with Berto so much helps me not eat--I told him about my ED so if he sees me eating he'll think I'm nuts. Haha.
Whaaaatever.
I am nuts I guess but we shall see.
I'm going to go do some exercise now to burn off the orange I ate and the coffee with milk i'll be sipping all day.
It's kind of weird to think that a month and a half ago I was excited to get under the 180 mark : /
Now I flip out if I'm over 170. It's good, though. 165 next, should have it by next week if I stay under 500 cals, according to losertown.com.
I love that thing. It tells you how much you will weigh (mathematically speaking, not accounting for variables) if you eat a certain amt of calories a day, based on your starting weight, your height, age, and sex.
According to that I'll be 120 by Dec. 3 if I stay on track. I'm determined. After this last week of eating like shite I'm all for it. Besides hanging out with Berto so much helps me not eat--I told him about my ED so if he sees me eating he'll think I'm nuts. Haha.
Whaaaatever.
I am nuts I guess but we shall see.
I'm going to go do some exercise now to burn off the orange I ate and the coffee with milk i'll be sipping all day.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
169
Yesss back under 170, even though I ate mexican food yesterday at Berto's.
Time to drink more coffee.
Keep going down, it's the only thing worthwhile.
Time to drink more coffee.
Keep going down, it's the only thing worthwhile.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
173
El streso de no dormiendo me comienza a comer.
No mas.
Intake
-Ham sammich 320
-Mocha Latte - 300
-Hot chocolate - 300
-Madeleine - 70
-Mango Strips - 60
-Naked Juice - 130
1160
FUCK.
No mas.
Intake
-Ham sammich 320
-Mocha Latte - 300
-Hot chocolate - 300
-Madeleine - 70
-Mango Strips - 60
-Naked Juice - 130
1160
FUCK.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
169
I'm officially under the 170 line consistently for three days. Yess.
Going down down down down down.
Been starving for about a week, decided to kick-start my metabolism with some dessert and dip at Friday's, shared with mi solo compadre. I heart him.
Ate a lean turkey and ham sandwich today and had a Pepsi and a Dr. Pepper.
So got some food groups in me and some much-needed carbs.
Back to real life tomorrow though--work from 7-3:30 <3 No food! Yay! Don't have to be around it, don't have to see it, hear it. It's nice.
Fucked Berto the other night <3 Glorious.
He prefers giving rather than receiving if you catch my drift.
Oh goodness the luck that I have.
Once I'm thin I'll probably give in more but for now he is a bit rough and yeah.
I mean I like it, I just don't want permanent injury x)
Been slacking on exercise and relying solely on starvation to knock off the pounds as usual. But need to kick-start with the exercise if I'm going to make my goals. 165 by the ninth!
Miu
Going down down down down down.
Been starving for about a week, decided to kick-start my metabolism with some dessert and dip at Friday's, shared with mi solo compadre. I heart him.
Ate a lean turkey and ham sandwich today and had a Pepsi and a Dr. Pepper.
So got some food groups in me and some much-needed carbs.
Back to real life tomorrow though--work from 7-3:30 <3 No food! Yay! Don't have to be around it, don't have to see it, hear it. It's nice.
Fucked Berto the other night <3 Glorious.
He prefers giving rather than receiving if you catch my drift.
Oh goodness the luck that I have.
Once I'm thin I'll probably give in more but for now he is a bit rough and yeah.
I mean I like it, I just don't want permanent injury x)
Been slacking on exercise and relying solely on starvation to knock off the pounds as usual. But need to kick-start with the exercise if I'm going to make my goals. 165 by the ninth!
Miu
Thursday, June 3, 2010
170!
Well I was at 168 this morning but since I've had water and stuff today I'm 170. True weight in the morning? Jeez I hope so.
Not eating is scarily easy. As long as I stay busy and with people I don't eat.
I love it.
Told mexi about my ed last night after we had a rollickin' good fuck which probs burned some cals. Either way my hips are sore from it. ; )
I love that my job is essentially walking around all day.
Keeps the brain busy and the time moving by, and the body burning.
Time for stretches and sleep so I can go work again in a few hours ; )
Miu
Not eating is scarily easy. As long as I stay busy and with people I don't eat.
I love it.
Told mexi about my ed last night after we had a rollickin' good fuck which probs burned some cals. Either way my hips are sore from it. ; )
I love that my job is essentially walking around all day.
Keeps the brain busy and the time moving by, and the body burning.
Time for stretches and sleep so I can go work again in a few hours ; )
Miu
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