Friday, October 29, 2010

147?

I don't even know what my real weight is because I haven't been able to check it recently. I weighed myself today and it said 148, after drinking water all day, and eating two bowls of wheaties and a sugar free applesauce. Not to mention last night's 'dinner' ( a 7 oz rare steak and broccoli) is still in there somewhere. So I think I'm doing ok.

glad to be going home--much easier to starve there. no other worries, no friends wanting to eat out or at the caf all the time. and limited food.

but now i have to hide it from my parents : / resorting to eighth grade tips and tricks, and I'm nigh 21 years old.

at least i'm spending the next couple months with no responsibilities and highhhhh as fuck thanks to meds.


cals:
mango bar - 90
applesauce - 40
cereal w soy milk - 200
cereal w soy milk - 200
water - 0
total : 530

Ehhh. That's kind of high for me and i'm not quite comfy with it. i think for dinner i will have...oh yeah! Nothing! cause i'll be baking and then getting a manicure. heck yessss excuses not to consume : ) also I like front-loading my calories for earlier in the morning because then I've got all day to burn them off. the plan for the day is 100 crunches total, 30 leg lifts each side, 30 scissor bends, and the plank for one minute. and whatever else I can squeeze in here or there. when you're only eating 500 calories, thirty makes a difference.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Sushi

lunch 500?
no dinner.
crunches. leg lifts. more crunches.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

149

Down a pound, thanks to good old laxatives : /

Dropping out of university because bulimia is killing me. I hate this.
I feel like a failure.

150.5

.5 lb loss, which is ok considering the fact that I ate epic carbs last night. I meant to buy some laxatives at the store but the boyfriend was watching me like a hawk. I'm going through some really weird mood changes. For about three weeks my mood was great, and I didn't even care that much that I wasn't losing. Now, I have been having panic attacks nearly every day, and not even when I'm weighing. I haven't purged but I'm already thinking about it, after lunch today. Sad that I'm looking forward to it.

Or nothing at all...that'd be nice. But I'm feeling a b/p coming on...it's been awhile. I don't want to give in, but...



we'll see.

Monday, October 25, 2010

150

Fml, the hospital put me off of losing, and this medicine is fucking me up. Been hovering around 150 for three weeks. Fuckkkk. Oh well, this is going to change. I'm working back down on my food intake. I have been kind of flipping out because I've been afraid I can't purge anymore. Found out today, I can, actually. Stupidly I had some mac n' cheese but I did ok for calories. Even if it was 400 in the mac n cheese alone I still only had fruit today, probably about 240 calories' worth. Still under a thou...doin ok. Gonna go get some more fruit bars and a couple other things at the store tonight.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

151

151 after special brownies last night and a spicy tuna roll today. The roll was probably about 500. FML.

--edit, did some research, it was only 290. Thank jebus.--

Going back on the baby food diet now that I'm going to have cash coming back in. And salads, from the caf to save money.

Not going to tell anyone, I've been eating in front of boyfriend a lot to put his mind at ease.

I feel bad deceiving him but I need thin, and I'm going crazy without it.

One problem is that the anti-anxiety meds I'm on give me drymouth like whoa so I'm /always/ drinking something, and it's not always water. It should be though so that is step 1, drink more water.

Step 2 is keep to my baby food or less diet. The Fanapt increases my appetite but luckily my dose was lowered a few days ago, and less makes me less hungry.

Score.

Friday, October 22, 2010

150?

FML.

I've been eating less than everyone else but it's still a shit ton for me.
I had chinese last night.
CHINESE.

Fuuuuck.

Well anyway I'm retaining water like a bitch thanks to mother nature's wonderful gifts, and I got back on laxatives a couple days ago and I feel badgoodconfusedguiltysecretive about it.

I know it's just water but this little pooch on my stomach needs to GO.


GONE.

And my thiiiighs. I know I'll have a gap soon, just need to keep up the effort.

150?

Friday, October 15, 2010

No Idea

I'm at home for a week and my mom hid the scales.

Also she keeps asking me what I want to eat.

Fuck pretending, I'm just going to refuse. There's nothing she can do until I'm underweight, severely so at that. I don't have to go to the doctor if I don't want to and I don't have to eat if I don't want to either.

So for now I am subsisting on an apple and coffee. Deal with it.

I hate that I am so bitter after IP but fuck I can't take this shit anymore. It is literally giving me anxiety to just not know how much I weigh.

Goddamnit.

I'm going to Wal-Mart and I'm going to weigh myself there in the scale aisle.

Fuck.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

145 ish.

Welp.

Went to IP, they didn't force me to eat since I'm "bulimic" and I shared most of my food with another girl so I lost five lb.

Not exactly their goal but it sure is mine.

I'd like to say I feel more positive, love my body, blah blah blah but the sheer truth is that I still want to lose 25 more lb and maybe then some.

I want to be 115. Maybe 110. The closer I get to my goal, the lower it goes.

Tiny meals of low-cal foods to put my friends and family off of figuring it out. Sleeping, taking my meds, and doing my hair and makeup every day to ensure I look healthy so they don't flip as I get thinner.

Hiding it until I'm there.

Fuck them. I didn't want to go to IP this time and I certainly don't want to get better right now.

I hate this hell but I love being thin more.


Maybe I'll be less fucked up one day.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Bad news : /

Went to the doctor today, she saw how much weight I lost and freaked out. I'm supposed to be making progress but now she knows I'm just worse. : /

Blood pressure was super low and I was shaky and couldn't even hide it. I'm being admitted "voluntarily" into IP on Friday afternoon.

Feck.

149

Under 150. I feel like I thought this would never happen. I'm so grateful it's finally here. Ten more lbs, then I'll be trying to get under 140, and so on. 29 more lbs.

I feel like death today. Shouldn't have had anything to drink last night because I'm hungover as fuck. But yesterday ended up being kind of a binge day because I was drunk. I had about 150 calories worth of cheese and about four crackers, and a yoo-hoo. Luckily I didn't gain at all though. So I'm ok with that. Bout to have a Monster and an excedrine and try to t hink of a good way to dump my boyfriend.

We just want different things out of life : / It's not gonna work.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

150?-1?

I'm about 150.5 ish at the end of the day. Maybe I'll be under 150 in the morning. Kind of cracked today. Had a bag of baked Lays (130) and some chicken off of a salad (150? idk). Had some more chocolate goldfish graham crackers, like 60 cals worth maybe. Under 500 still I think, but still worse than it has been for the last week.

Doctors' appointment tomorrow : / We'll see.

I skipped ALL of my classes today. Fuck. Oh well. Why do I feel so apathetic about that and so crushed that I ate 300 calories?

I tried to purge it but those things are hard to purge. Couldn't get up the motivation to go to the gym tonight, even though I could have burned off all of those cals in less than an hour : ( I should have gone. I will tomorrow.

150

It's not under, but it's something. I slept allllll day today and missed all my classes. I feel kind of guilty about it but meh. Idk if my prozac is working or if I'm just not pmsing anymore. Hmm. I guess we'll see in a few weeks.

I realized today with disgust that not eating is startlingly easy now. Much easier than eating and purging, and much less dangerous.

Today I'm eating a fruit bar (90 cal) and some chocolate graham gold fish (50? cal) and idk maybe some 100 cal soup for dinner. I really just need to keep busy today. Maybe I'll go buy my spiderwebs this afternoon.

Note to self, Monster Energy drink does not taste delish if it's been sitting out all night. Mmmkay.

Monday, October 4, 2010

152

I weigh 152 at night, and I have ingested a lot of water.

I ran for two miles today, burning apx 250 cals, ran at 8:15/mile. Gonna do some abs work here in my room. Amen for not having a fuckin' roommate.

I purged today again. Sixth(?) day in a row. : / And I haven't even really eaten, except for that day with the pizza. : ( Weight! Go down faster! I can't even tell how much I've really lost, maybe 3 lb? Idk because my weight fluctuates sooo much. All I know is that in the morning if it's under 150 I'm going to cry from happy. . . Until I drink water and it goes back up but still haha. Then it's only 29 more lb from my goal!

My BMI is 22.4.

Pickcha Time



Decided it's better to just post pics every day, that way I can't fool myself.

151

This morning I was 151 when I got up despite being like 155 when I went to sleep. Water weight? Idk I always weigh less in the am. I have counseling today...we'll see how that goes. In the meantime I'm gonna do some warm-up stretches and have a tiny breakfast to get my metab going. Then go for a brisk walk over to the Dr.'s office and brisk walk back, that's about 3/4 mile. Today I'm going to try to go for an afternoon jog or walk at least but we'll see... it's been difficult these past few days to find the energy and I haven't eaten more than 200 calories (and kept it down) for about a week now so we'll see.

I love looking thinner and feeling thinner in the mornings. My stomach looks much better but there is still fat to get rid of. My inner thighs is where it's really a problem, at least in my eyes. Oh and my back. Lower sides, love handles. Ugh I have about five lb to lose there and three on each upper leg and two on my stomach alone. Grr. Not to mention shaving away the thin layer that's preventing my ribs from poking out all pretty. And my nasty bat-wings. Ughhhh.

Think I'm going to go to the store today and get some more baby food and stock up a little while I have money. Maybe get some lo-cal protein or something, and a vitamin for my hair and nails. They're gettin a little funky.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

152?

Guess drinking all that water helped banish the bloat from last night's pizza excursion. I only ate two slices and it was super thin crust. Today I ate a fifty cal baby food and 100 cal worth of soup and tried to hold it down but then just went in the bathroom and purged it. Probably only about 60 cals of it but...idk. I just made up that sixty cals by eating a jell-o mousse thing, which was my sweets for the day. Those things are sooo good and they're sugar free. I still feel guilty as hell for eating them but meh.

It's strange how I can see my thoughts morphing, and I'm doing nothing to stop it. I'm achy and tired from not eating, not sleeping properly. My hair is just...well it's bad news. My teeth are achy too and I can't muster the energy to go to the gym or for a walk or even to take a shower sometimes : /

And still I think...it's okay, because I'm getting thinner. I know I will mess up down the road and I will punish myself and I've accepted that with some sort of resigned calmness.

I hate this feeling. Like I'm accepting defeat. But right now I feel like I'm too weak to fight it.

Guess I'll tell Counselor that tomorrow morning at our appointment. . . Meh.

I think the boyfriend is gonna want to go out to eat tonight; he said he was hungry...hopefully he won't make me suffer : (

155

I messed up last night and had pizza with my friends. I know this weight is really just water from the carbs because I know I didn't eat enough to actually gain, but still : /

I feel bad because I was guilted into it--and then when I got there they were making fun of me for not eating even though I said I just ate. They didn't believe me : / I feel like I can't lie to my friends.

Now I'm lying here considering taking a bunch of lax but I don't want to be miserable all night 'cause boyfriend will be here plus I have work to do. Then again I probably deserve the misery for messing up anyway.

I came home right after and tried to purge but bread is so so so hard to purge. I got a little of it up but nothing to make a substantial difference. I wanted to go to the gym but I just felt so woozy and tired. So last night, all that work was for nothing and then I messed up and tried to purge again. Fuck.


I just don't want to purge. I'm fine with starving, at least for awhile. I just don't want to purge!! Please : (

/end immature rant.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Hunger

I guess it's been a long time since I let myself get truly hungry. Usually I'll satisfy myself with a tiny meal if it gets unbearable but I've given up on that in the last few days. I've pretty much eaten spinach, onions and fruit for the last three days and not a lot of it. This morning I had a toddlers' size cup of cereal with skim milk (100?) and a couple of hours later I had a pot of baby food that was 50 cal. I want to have a bit more cereal but right now I'm having a cough drop in hopes I can put off the cereal a bit longer. I don't want to eat anything at all after six p.m.

Anyway the real reason for this post is that I'm just going a little bit crazy because usually I don't /feel/ my hunger. It just sits there dead and eventually goes away after a few minutes.

I don't mean to bore any possible readers (though unlikely) with the minutiae, but I've just chewed up the rest of the lozenge and that made my hunger immediately subside.
Depriving myself of chewing is the problem? Maybe I'll eat something crunchy then.

I'm worried about this. My body is behaving strangely. I'd like to say I'm used to it but I'm not. It reminds me of anorexia. Discipline, the struggle to actually eat rather than to avoid it... It's a slippery slope.

Curioser and Curioser...153

Down a pound. Pictures at the end. Also, I found out last night that if you don't eat real food for a week you can get drunk off of two beers.

ANYWAY.

Woke up this morning, to the lovely sounds of my "takeyourpills" alarm, which goes off at 9 o'clock am each day. I was a little dazed and, to be fair, still a little drunk, and definitely dehydrated.
Tossed back my vitamins and a prozac and chugged a sugarfree vitaminwater. Looked down at Boyfriend, who was still somehow asleep despite my alarm and clumsy clunking around the room.
Sometimes I just find him to be so beautiful...so I feel like I need to indulge myself a little here. He is tall. Taller than I am. Taller than his parents are, which is saying something because they are taller than most Mexicans. He has a beautiful, symmetrical face, with features that are not too big or too small. His skin is one of my favorite features. It is not the dim yellow-brown that many of his family members have; rather, it is a russet color, chestnut and cinnamon and always warm to the touch. His eyes are the best thing, dark brown-black and almond shaped, with long dark eyelashes that I regard with envy every day as I stroke mascara onto my stick-straight fringe. Those eyes are so dark brown that it is hard to distinguish the pupil from the iris. They are so open and liquid sometimes that he seems innocent, but I know what he has been through in his short life. He is a year younger than I am but a thousand years older. He has made some selfless life choices that I know I wouldn't have had the strength to make. He has also made those choices and they've led him to me. Being a young child in Mexico it must have been difficult coming to America and having to learn about a whole new language and culture. Being the only one who can't speak English in the entire class, not knowing what's going on, and having to do it day after day... I'd have folded. Growing up in rough neighborhoods and still being a good student, still staying away from drugs, staying in school, staying out of a gang despite the temptation for quick money. Living with an immigrant family who is proud of what it has but scorned by others for what they have. Graduating high school and making the choice to join the Marines because it would mean that your family could pay off the modest home they live in and eat and have water and all the other basic needs. And now, that he is in college, doing the work he's always wanted to do, he still makes sure that his needs come last.

I know he must have cried. He must have struggled. He must have thought to himself...why? Why me? Can I just have a little break? Can it just be easy for awhile?

And I've thought that for the last six and a half years. Why? Why me? Just give me one little break. I've even thought about pretending to believe in god just so I'd have something to pray to or to blame. The difference between him and me is that he has struggled against outside forces and come out on top, and I've struggled against myself and still lost so far.

And I sit and cry in my bathroom, feet pressed to the cold tile as I try to ground myself from my dizzy spell, heart thudding mercilessly in my chest and in my ears, my throat on fire and my knuckles bruised. I haven't the strength nor the will to get up and go to bed.

And then I slide forward onto my hands and knees and I crawl to the scale. I steady myself against the shower wall and I stand and place my feet evenly on the scale and note the slight change, the slight shift to the left from 4 to 3 and triumph sends butterflies through my stomach. I'm lightheaded and giddy for a different reason, and though my legs are rubbery I find a way to do a couple of lunges and squats on the way back to bed, mind and body empty and light.

It's pathetic.

I cause myself this pain, and he makes sure to cater to me, to pet my hair, to whisper against my temples that it's going to be okay. He cradles me in his arms and I try to convince myself that there's a reason that this beautiful person cares about me, and I close my eyes and let him tell me nothing, the cadence of the lilt in his voice soft but present, the remnant of a decade-long battle to blend in.

It's that that we have in common. He is trying to blend, to be like everyone, to be liked by everyone, so much that he is now afraid to be too kind. He doesn't want to be walked on, or wrong, or made a fool of.

I just want to disappear.

This self hatred is what drives me. This unexplained need to be perfect and adored, to make sure that I'm pleasing everyone, and that I'm bothering no one. I'm no longer hungry; rather, there is a gnawing emptiness that is ever-present, yet I cannot convince myself that it is ok to fix that emptiness.

Which is why this counseling is not working. I don't feel that I deserve to be full. I don't want to be, and even if I did I couldn't be. Not when I have so much to make up for. Not when I have so many people to care for. Not when I have so many responsibilities.

I know that one day I won't be able to take it anymore and this body will fail me. That frightens me, but it also sounds like a relief. A rest, a quietness from the obnoxious, noisy, negative chatter that constantly feeds my brain and pounds on the inside of my skull until I let it out to wreak its havoc on my body.

Let loose these dogs of war and let them rip at my flesh until I'm a mere skeleton. A bag of bones with which they will shortly lose interest.

Maybe then I can rest.

--

In other news...
Here are some better, less water-retaining pictures of me. Two days of chugging water and green tea helps fight bloat soooo much.
Still so much to go though. I'm 152 or 153 here.

Friday, October 1, 2010

154

Looked in the mirror today and turned to the sides. Can see my hipbones. Thank jebus they're finally coming back. I'm just so panicked at having all this stuff on me. I hate it.

After three days of minimal eating I've lost any specific cravings. I just get a gnawing feeling of hunger sometimes but it's not like OMG need chocolate now!

I'm glad I didn't buy snack foods the other day.

I spend all my time at the grocery wandering up and down the aisles looking at all the things I can never buy for myself : (

I know I never will. Bleh...

Boyfriend ran his hands over me today and said in a concerned tone: "Baby...I can feel your ribs." and looked at me with his brown eyes, so concerned. My heart jumped in happiness but I also hate that it hurts him. Whyyyy am I hurting people?

I need to get out of this negative mindset.