Friday, April 30, 2010

175?

Don't know if I'll make it to 172 by Sunday. I don't think I will cause I'll be drinking tonight.
Ah well.
I just went to the gym. Lied to my friends. They wanted to make dinner and I told them I was feeling ill.

Naturally.

I hate myself some days.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

177?

ate seven hundred twenty two calories today.

i ran three or so miles. probably walked one.
four miles all together. idk how much that is, calorie wise.

all i know is that i want to die and stop feeling like a fucking failure.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

178

Dropping, though I wish it were faster. Probably burned 800 cals today. Ingested probably around four hundred. I'm so mad at myself.
I will remember this in the future. I gave in to my hunger and i feel deathly ill right now. I'll remember this awful feeling next time I want to eat.


--E

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Empty

First day in a while that I literally haven't had any food go into my body.

It's strange, how you rationalise.

You think to yourself, just a few more hours, then you can eat. Just another night. You'll eat in the morning. Just one more day. Just a few more days.

My friends are noticing. I'm not thin anymore but I've lost significant weight in just a week. I say weird things 'cause my brain doesn't work right.

But that won't make me stop. I'm just too stressed out to eat.

Edit:
Couldn't concentrate on my work. Had 10 unsalted crackers and a string cheese. Puts me at about 200 calories for the day. Having some senna tea and working.
Hopefully that will be it and I can provide better posts after tomorrow.

Lemon Water

So today I woke up and went to work on the newspaper. All I've had was lemon water with cayenne pepper and a bit of honey. Gotta make up for yesterday's failure.

Don't know if I'll have time or energy to work out tonight. Two huge projects to perfect before bedtime.
I'm having an applesauce right now just to get some sugar in me so I can stay awake to edit the paper and work all day.

I know nobody reads this, but.
Wish me luck.

Miu

180

I'm 180 including all the shite I ate today. Emotional eating. Ugh.

J, I don't understand why you do this. I don't feel in love with you anymore. I am afraid you are turning into something awful. I don't want you to kiss me, but I do.
I want to be near you, to feel you loving me, kissing me, holding me.

But I don't want to be the man in our relationship. I need you to be the strong one right now.
Turn away from alcohol. I assure you, it is worse than my ED no matter how many times you tell me it's the same.

Please, J. I am telling you this as your friend. I'm desperate for you to be like you once were. I feel the rift between us growing and I find it saddening.

Today, I had special K for breakfast and thought that's all I would have. But I ended up eating a sandwich, some chips, and a metric fuckton of chocolate.

I probably had four hundred calories in chocolate. The sandwich was likely about 350. The chips, 190?

So 990 calories today. Ohmyfuckinggawd.

Lemon water only today. The master cleanse starts today.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

178

Down one more pound. Can't tell if it's just water yet, or the results of yesterday's hard work.
This morning, I am drinking water, and I had a small bowl of Special K with skim and a few raisins.

I'm going to estimate -
Special K - 100 cal
Milk - 60 cal
Raisins - 30 cal

190 cal for breakfast. Fuck me.

Tried purging for the first time in two weeks and could only get a little bit up. That's good, cause I want to be done purging... But. I hate this food in me.

But no binges for a week, oddly enough.
I can keep going forever.

Drankin'

Had some rum tonight, and smoked some shisha with my loves.

Rum is so high-cal I don't even want to think about it. I had at least three shots. That probably puts me at about 260 or more calories. I don't want to think on it.

For dinner, and as my only intake for the day, I had a cucumber, a string cheese, and a few raisins, and some yogurt dip.

Cucumber - 48 cal
Dip - 35 cal
Raisins - 100 cal
Cheese - 60 cal
243 calories, plus 260 ish for rum...
Total - 503 cal.

Fuck.

Well I still burned more than I ate so I guess it's not a total loss. I'll be better tomorrow. Starting lemonade cleanse on Sunday.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Well I got lost in the forest today.
Literally. Got lost.
For two hours.

Good workout though. I was jogging and walking for almost three hours. Myoptumhealth.com says that I burned 756 calories. And I haven't eaten yet today. Maybe I just won't.


Miu

179

YES.

I'm underneath the eighties.
It was so easy I'm kind of frightened.

But I'm going to keep going until I can't anymore. Soon I'll be 160, 150, 140, 130, 120, 110, 105 againnn. I can't wait.

Gonna drink water and do exercise to make sure it's not just waterweight.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

180

Hopefully 179 by tomorrow. If it isn't I am running until I can't fucking run anymore or until I pass out. Or both.

I hate this body. I hate it. My hips are huge. HUGE. Fucking gigantic. I hate it. I can't take my fucking hips, my fat stomach, my wide body. From the side it isn't that bad but god from the front. I just don't want to be awkward and fat and stuck in this horrendous body. I just want to be small and skinny and tiny and fragile again.

FUCK.
Slowly but surely. Tomorrow I am on the underside of eighty. Or so much exercise that I will pass out. Then before I know it I'll be underneath seventy. Then sixty. Fifty. Fourty. Thirty. Twenty. Ten.
Then who knows. Death probably. But at least I will be beautiful and pure in my coffin.

Dream on.

Miu
This man, he is my hero. I have loved Silverchair for the majority of my life, and they're my favourite Aussies to date. Daniel Johns is my inspiration to take control when I can. He's a hero to so many, so I just thought I would put my little tribute up here.

Miu

181.5

463? Are you kidding me? Fat bitch.
There will be punishment for that.

Intake:
Lunch:
1/3 String Cheese - 20 cal
3/4 c Broccoli - 48 cal
2 tbsp Tzatziki - 39 cal
Coke Zero - 1 cal
Ocean Spray Diet Blueberry Juice
diluted with half water - 5 cal
Total - 113

Dinner:
3/4 slice bread - 50 cal
1 Egg White - 20 cal
Raisins - 100 cal
Bit of Cheese - 9 cal
Total - 179

Snack:
Two Bites Dark Chocolate - 70 cal?
Homemade Blueberry Muffin - 100 cal
Coke Zero - 1 cal
Total - 171


Gonna do some exercise to get rid of this.

You know it's a sad day when you put away the rest of your string cheese so you don't go near 150 cals for a meal.



Fuck.


I never thought I would be one of those girls that listened to Ana's Song and cried for the truth of it.
At least I'm not vomiting anymore.


It's a weird journey. Bulimia for four years, a fifty pound weight gain. And almost overnight, I can't be sick after food. And I become terrified to eat. I don't dare go above 200 cals a meal. I don't exercise. Not yet.

But I fear it's coming. I'm in denial. I get the urge to just go run, sprint, jump, scream, in the middle of the night to burn what's left in my body.

I hate this.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

New Scale

Bought a new scale.

I am 180, meaning I've lost 4lb in three days.
I'm going to add a pound to that just in case of water weight, but I haven't been dehydrated.
So that means I'm down 3 lb in three days.

I am not sure when anorexia moved back in. I thought I was done with this. When I was younger. When I was a kid.

Then bulimia found me. Made me into this huge nasty thing that I am now.

Now anorexia is back with a vengeance. Food terrifies me. I'm eating carrot sticks right now and I have only had two. I have to force myself to eat them.

What happened?

I just want to be normal.


Miu

Food Diary

Today, just some tea, some water, and a tiny muffin (60 c).

I'm a little worried; I'm too scared to eat anything but my brain won't shut up about food.

Exercise time.

Edit: Food Intake

2 tbsp tzatziki (40 c)
3/4 cup carrot sticks (20 c)
3 saltine crackers - unsalted (35 c)
2 Coke Zero (1 c)
2 potato chips (15 c?)
171 calories consumed today.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Not Enough

Fuck it is just never enough.