Back under 140 thank goodness. I can't remember even when I was 150, 160, 170, or 180... Eugh. Thank goodness I'm not there anymore. Only 20 or 25 more to go.
I planned a day today where I could have what I wanted because I've been plateauing and my working out isn't taking off the inches. My body's refusing. So I decided to eat a bit today. All I had was a bowl of Special K and half a sandwich but I still feel like a fat whore.
Fuck.
Anyway, getting my mind off of that, had my friend J over last night. He's lovely, my best friend : ) Being with hiim made me soooo happy! We had such a good time. I haven't laughed like that for ages.
Visiting the boyfriend after Christmas instead of before. That way we'll have more time together...to talk. Meh.
Well must go. Sorry for the lapse in updates though apparently nobody actually reads this ; )
Peace, loves.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.
FML
I want to die. Since I made my first goal I let myself have a few MnMs and a diet coke.
Now I am 3 lbs up. FUCK. I guess I just am not allowed to eat. Well I can do that. Wish I had some laxatives...
Oh wait. I have a little money...I could buy some today. . . Well that's defo happening. And I am /not/ eating Jimmy Joe's BBQ with boyfriend on Sunday... no matter how guilty he makes me feel.
GODDAMNIT.
I want to die. Since I made my first goal I let myself have a few MnMs and a diet coke.
Now I am 3 lbs up. FUCK. I guess I just am not allowed to eat. Well I can do that. Wish I had some laxatives...
Oh wait. I have a little money...I could buy some today. . . Well that's defo happening. And I am /not/ eating Jimmy Joe's BBQ with boyfriend on Sunday... no matter how guilty he makes me feel.
GODDAMNIT.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
140
I am at my first goal weight. BMI of 20. Five more lbs and I'll be at a 19 BMI. YES. I can probably do that within a week and a half if I keep up. I'm on day two of eating pretty much nothing and it's quite nice. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat so I kind of just ignore it. So excited to go back to school this semester and get back into the swing of things. I haven't told my mum that I'm going to lose more weight though. : / but if I go to treatment it will be over summer--I can't bear the idea of missing another semester. So I'm beating this semester out and then yeah we will see.
So far today I have had about 150 cals worth of grapes? I think. And a bowl of cereal with soy milk so probably about 150 for that too. Now I'm having a cup of coffee with a splash of soy milk (35) so total is about 340. I am at a negative calorie count though because I went to the gym and ran/walked for an hour at a pretty quick pace with invtervals of high intensity so I feel pretty good about that. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I'll be below 140. That would be sooo great. : )))) Applying for my job again so maybe I'll have some money coming in. . . that'll be nice.
I just want this fat off of my fucking body. I am getting so sick of it. I just want thin. Lines. Bones. Contours. so tired of it.
So far today I have had about 150 cals worth of grapes? I think. And a bowl of cereal with soy milk so probably about 150 for that too. Now I'm having a cup of coffee with a splash of soy milk (35) so total is about 340. I am at a negative calorie count though because I went to the gym and ran/walked for an hour at a pretty quick pace with invtervals of high intensity so I feel pretty good about that. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I'll be below 140. That would be sooo great. : )))) Applying for my job again so maybe I'll have some money coming in. . . that'll be nice.
I just want this fat off of my fucking body. I am getting so sick of it. I just want thin. Lines. Bones. Contours. so tired of it.
Friday, December 3, 2010
143
Well I am restarting the ABC because I had a weekend away from home where I was being watched like a hawk. I didn't gain, but I didn't lose dramatically either.
I am thinking about, no definitely taking laxatives tonight. I don't usually think of them in weight loss terms but it seems like they usually push me over the edge of my next goal (which is 140). I've been stuck here for ages and I'm tired of it. Time to get rid of those lbs. No excuse for being this weight for a month. I remember it took so long to get out of the 60's, the 50's, and now here. I would be losing easier if I was at school : (
Maybe I will just pretend I'm ok and go back in the spring...At least that way I can get skinny again without being watched like a hawk. But it's kind of tempting. I'm on the cusp of getting treatment...
Then I don't have to be like this anymore.
But. . . I'm not at my goal yet : ( I can't bear to think about stopping.
I am thinking about, no definitely taking laxatives tonight. I don't usually think of them in weight loss terms but it seems like they usually push me over the edge of my next goal (which is 140). I've been stuck here for ages and I'm tired of it. Time to get rid of those lbs. No excuse for being this weight for a month. I remember it took so long to get out of the 60's, the 50's, and now here. I would be losing easier if I was at school : (
Maybe I will just pretend I'm ok and go back in the spring...At least that way I can get skinny again without being watched like a hawk. But it's kind of tempting. I'm on the cusp of getting treatment...
Then I don't have to be like this anymore.
But. . . I'm not at my goal yet : ( I can't bear to think about stopping.
143
Well I am restarting the ABC because I had a weekend away from home where I was being watched like a hawk. I didn't gain, but I didn't lose dramatically either.
I am thinking about, no definitely taking laxatives tonight. I don't usually think of them in weight loss terms but it seems like they usually push me over the edge of my next goal (which is 140). I've been stuck here for ages and I'm tired of it. Time to get rid of those lbs. No excuse for being this weight for a month. I remember it took so long to get out of the 60's, the 50's, and now here. I would be losing easier if I was at school : (
Maybe I will just pretend I'm ok and go back in the spring...At least that way I can get skinny again without being watched like a hawk. But it's kind of tempting. I'm on the cusp of getting treatment...
Then I don't have to be like this anymore.
But. . . I'm not at my goal yet : ( I can't bear to think about stopping.
I am thinking about, no definitely taking laxatives tonight. I don't usually think of them in weight loss terms but it seems like they usually push me over the edge of my next goal (which is 140). I've been stuck here for ages and I'm tired of it. Time to get rid of those lbs. No excuse for being this weight for a month. I remember it took so long to get out of the 60's, the 50's, and now here. I would be losing easier if I was at school : (
Maybe I will just pretend I'm ok and go back in the spring...At least that way I can get skinny again without being watched like a hawk. But it's kind of tempting. I'm on the cusp of getting treatment...
Then I don't have to be like this anymore.
But. . . I'm not at my goal yet : ( I can't bear to think about stopping.
143
Well I am restarting the ABC because I had a weekend away from home where I was being watched like a hawk. I didn't gain, but I didn't lose dramatically either.
I am thinking about, no definitely taking laxatives tonight. I don't usually think of them in weight loss terms but it seems like they usually push me over the edge of my next goal (which is 140). I've been stuck here for ages and I'm tired of it. Time to get rid of those lbs. No excuse for being this weight for a month. I remember it took so long to get out of the 60's, the 50's, and now here. I would be losing easier if I was at school : (
Maybe I will just pretend I'm ok and go back in the spring...At least that way I can get skinny again without being watched like a hawk. But it's kind of tempting. I'm on the cusp of getting treatment...
Then I don't have to be like this anymore.
But. . . I'm not at my goal yet : ( I can't bear to think about stopping.
I am thinking about, no definitely taking laxatives tonight. I don't usually think of them in weight loss terms but it seems like they usually push me over the edge of my next goal (which is 140). I've been stuck here for ages and I'm tired of it. Time to get rid of those lbs. No excuse for being this weight for a month. I remember it took so long to get out of the 60's, the 50's, and now here. I would be losing easier if I was at school : (
Maybe I will just pretend I'm ok and go back in the spring...At least that way I can get skinny again without being watched like a hawk. But it's kind of tempting. I'm on the cusp of getting treatment...
Then I don't have to be like this anymore.
But. . . I'm not at my goal yet : ( I can't bear to think about stopping.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Day 2 - 500
Today I have had 1/2 a can of tuna and a couple of bites of rice cake for lunch, and I just made the most delish smoothie! Recipe below.
B: nothing - 0 x
L: 1/2 can tuna, 1/3 rice cake - 70 x
S: Banana Pomegranate kefir smoothie - 159 x
S: 1.5 c broccoli with tzatziki - 80 x
D: Greens salad with balsamic and feta - 110 ( )
O: Cofee - 55 x
T: 474 eek cutting it close.
Not hungry after the broccoli filled me up--and a cup of coffee. Yumm. ...maybe i'll just have coke zero for dinner and I can knock it down to 374?
Banana Kefir Smoothie:
This smoothie is a little high in calories, but it is soooo delicious and can be a meal replacement as it is really filling. It tastes like ice cream but is packed with vitamins like potassium from the banana, and antioxidants and probiotics from the Kefir! Kefir can be found in the dairy section by the yoghurt. : )
I got my blender from a large retail store for a discounted price. It is a single-serv blender and you can even just stick the lid on it and drink from it like a cup. : ) Small and cheap and just enough for me.
3/4 banana - 72
1/2 cup Lifeway Pomegranate Kefir - 87
1/2 cup ice - 0
Combine ingredients in blender. Pulse 1 minute or until no large chunks of ice remain. Pour into medium glass and enjoy!! Sooo good.
I think I'll try to update each time with a new low-cal recipe each day, either something I found or something I created. I love to cook so you can guarantee it will be delishh!
Bonus Recipe:
Asian Tuna Salad
1 can chunk light or albacore tuna, drained
1 tbsp plain yellow mustard or 1 tsp mustard powder
1 tbsp soy sauce
Cayenne pepper
Black pepper to taste
Dry seaweed if desired.
Combine ingredients in a small bowl, mashing with a fork for a more even texture. Once well-blended, serve on no-salt crackers or wasa wafers. Sprinkle with shredded dried seafood if you like.
Makes two servings. Each serving is 62 calories (and high in protein and Omega-3s!), not including your cracker of choice. Good all by itself, too : ) If you try it let me know what you think!
B: nothing - 0 x
L: 1/2 can tuna, 1/3 rice cake - 70 x
S: Banana Pomegranate kefir smoothie - 159 x
S: 1.5 c broccoli with tzatziki - 80 x
D: Greens salad with balsamic and feta - 110 ( )
O: Cofee - 55 x
T: 474 eek cutting it close.
Not hungry after the broccoli filled me up--and a cup of coffee. Yumm. ...maybe i'll just have coke zero for dinner and I can knock it down to 374?
Banana Kefir Smoothie:
This smoothie is a little high in calories, but it is soooo delicious and can be a meal replacement as it is really filling. It tastes like ice cream but is packed with vitamins like potassium from the banana, and antioxidants and probiotics from the Kefir! Kefir can be found in the dairy section by the yoghurt. : )
I got my blender from a large retail store for a discounted price. It is a single-serv blender and you can even just stick the lid on it and drink from it like a cup. : ) Small and cheap and just enough for me.
3/4 banana - 72
1/2 cup Lifeway Pomegranate Kefir - 87
1/2 cup ice - 0
Combine ingredients in blender. Pulse 1 minute or until no large chunks of ice remain. Pour into medium glass and enjoy!! Sooo good.
I think I'll try to update each time with a new low-cal recipe each day, either something I found or something I created. I love to cook so you can guarantee it will be delishh!
Bonus Recipe:
Asian Tuna Salad
1 can chunk light or albacore tuna, drained
1 tbsp plain yellow mustard or 1 tsp mustard powder
1 tbsp soy sauce
Cayenne pepper
Black pepper to taste
Dry seaweed if desired.
Combine ingredients in a small bowl, mashing with a fork for a more even texture. Once well-blended, serve on no-salt crackers or wasa wafers. Sprinkle with shredded dried seafood if you like.
Makes two servings. Each serving is 62 calories (and high in protein and Omega-3s!), not including your cracker of choice. Good all by itself, too : ) If you try it let me know what you think!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
ABC Diet
I swore I'd never do this but I need some structure in my life.
Day one: 500 Cals or Less
Grapes - 80 x
Coke Zero - 1 x
Coffee - 25 x
106 2pm.
vegetable plate - 58 x
chocolate square - 40 x
coffee - 10 x
108 6pm.
small romaine salad - 10 x
feta - 60 x
coke zero - 1 x
chocolate square - 40 x
111 7:30 p.
Day total - 315
Goal Complete? Yes
Reward: Lower number on the scale tomorrow.
Not too bad considering I was aiming for 500.
Scale says 149...don't th ink I put on three lb in a week so must be water. Drinking more and more water to get rid of the bloat.
Finally getting the hungry back, but no cravings. Let's try and keep it that way.
I have no money but I got my mom to buy me laxatives, citing my medications as the excuse for my constipation. It's a side effect of all of them. Bear in mind I haven't taken them in days but you know how it is.
Plan for Tomorrow:
Day 2: 500 Calories
1/2 cup Kefir with ice and mixed berries (Smoothie) - 90
Grapes - 80
170
Tuna - 120
Mustard - 2
Rice Cakes - 40
162
Small Salad with Feta and Balsamic Vinegar - 110
110
Day 2 Total: 442
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
Day one: 500 Cals or Less
Grapes - 80 x
Coke Zero - 1 x
Coffee - 25 x
106 2pm.
vegetable plate - 58 x
chocolate square - 40 x
coffee - 10 x
108 6pm.
small romaine salad - 10 x
feta - 60 x
coke zero - 1 x
chocolate square - 40 x
111 7:30 p.
Day total - 315
Goal Complete? Yes
Reward: Lower number on the scale tomorrow.
Not too bad considering I was aiming for 500.
Scale says 149...don't th ink I put on three lb in a week so must be water. Drinking more and more water to get rid of the bloat.
Finally getting the hungry back, but no cravings. Let's try and keep it that way.
I have no money but I got my mom to buy me laxatives, citing my medications as the excuse for my constipation. It's a side effect of all of them. Bear in mind I haven't taken them in days but you know how it is.
Plan for Tomorrow:
Day 2: 500 Calories
1/2 cup Kefir with ice and mixed berries (Smoothie) - 90
Grapes - 80
170
Tuna - 120
Mustard - 2
Rice Cakes - 40
162
Small Salad with Feta and Balsamic Vinegar - 110
110
Day 2 Total: 442
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Biiiinge.
Well, today I had a donut for breakfast, some grapes, popcorn at the movies, barbecue brisket and beans for dinner and another donut for dessert and a tiny square of pizza cause my mom didn't see me eat and didn't believe that I had anything and I had a glass of milk so roughly that's 50000000000 calories. Got on the scale and it appears that I weigh seven lb more than usual. I realize it's just food and liquid in me but it's still depressing.
Oh well. I'm going to remember this.
Took four laxes tonight, we'll see in the am.
Looking forward to having coffee and grapes and more laxatives tomorrow.
Gonna be a good day.
Oh well. I'm going to remember this.
Took four laxes tonight, we'll see in the am.
Looking forward to having coffee and grapes and more laxatives tomorrow.
Gonna be a good day.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
145
Today begins my new regimen focusing on calorie-counting, which is something I haven't done in awhile. Today is a 400 calorie day.
Intake:
B: Cereal - 125? (x)
L: Soup - 220 (x)
D: Salad - 50 (_)
S: Grapes - 10 (_)
Total: 400
Exercise:
Crunches - 50 (_)
Leg Lifts - 50 (_)
Jog in Place - (_)
Press ups - 10 (_)
Plank - (_)
Intake:
B: Cereal - 125? (x)
L: Soup - 220 (x)
D: Salad - 50 (_)
S: Grapes - 10 (_)
Total: 400
Exercise:
Crunches - 50 (_)
Leg Lifts - 50 (_)
Jog in Place - (_)
Press ups - 10 (_)
Plank - (_)
Fat
Had to eat over the weekend cause friends were stalking me.
Back to normal. Had a bowl of Total (150) and a Coke Zero so far. My weight didn't go up too much but I'm still pretty annoyed. It's only about 2 lb so I'm guessing water weight because I only had about 1000 calories a day while I was there.
I have a new schedule, and I'm about to go make a calendar of caloric intake so I can avoid food for a little while longer. Feeling hungry. Going to start drinking a glass of water when I'm hungry instead of eating.
Why does food hate me so much?
What did I do to deserve this crap?
Back to normal. Had a bowl of Total (150) and a Coke Zero so far. My weight didn't go up too much but I'm still pretty annoyed. It's only about 2 lb so I'm guessing water weight because I only had about 1000 calories a day while I was there.
I have a new schedule, and I'm about to go make a calendar of caloric intake so I can avoid food for a little while longer. Feeling hungry. Going to start drinking a glass of water when I'm hungry instead of eating.
Why does food hate me so much?
What did I do to deserve this crap?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Fed up. 143
So fed up with my life right now.
They say I have to go to IP for two months. Fuck. No fair : (
All I ate today was grapes.
Seriously.
Some grapes.
Lack of appetite is okay with me. It's a lot easier when I remind myself that the physical pain distracts from the emotional one. Just gotta keep hungry, that's all.
Tried to work out today, but was too weak. My heart was beating wayyyy too fast. Been out of commission on the whole running thing for about a month and a half so I'll have to work on that. I had to stay away from it or else I'd do it excessively, but now I just don't care.
I just don't.
I will be small. I will. I don't give a fuck about pleasing anyone else. I have come this far, and I will get there.
I have lost 40 lb so far, and twenty more won't be that hard. I just need to kick my own ass and exercise and it will start coming off again.
I can see my hipbones sticking out when i'm just standing and relaxing, so that makes me happy. My arms look thinner. And everytime someone tells me "my, you look so thin" it just drives me harder to be thinner. When they say "you don't /look/ like youre sick" it just drives me harder.
Crunches tonight. And limiting myself to grapes and coffee for the night.
They say I have to go to IP for two months. Fuck. No fair : (
All I ate today was grapes.
Seriously.
Some grapes.
Lack of appetite is okay with me. It's a lot easier when I remind myself that the physical pain distracts from the emotional one. Just gotta keep hungry, that's all.
Tried to work out today, but was too weak. My heart was beating wayyyy too fast. Been out of commission on the whole running thing for about a month and a half so I'll have to work on that. I had to stay away from it or else I'd do it excessively, but now I just don't care.
I just don't.
I will be small. I will. I don't give a fuck about pleasing anyone else. I have come this far, and I will get there.
I have lost 40 lb so far, and twenty more won't be that hard. I just need to kick my own ass and exercise and it will start coming off again.
I can see my hipbones sticking out when i'm just standing and relaxing, so that makes me happy. My arms look thinner. And everytime someone tells me "my, you look so thin" it just drives me harder to be thinner. When they say "you don't /look/ like youre sick" it just drives me harder.
Crunches tonight. And limiting myself to grapes and coffee for the night.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
ssris
so i'm on antidepressants. why aren't they working? i just feel worse.
i sent an email to my ex boyfriend today saying that i had something to tell him. i'm finally going to tell him i was raped, and that's why i cheated. i lashed out. i didn't know what else to do.
i feel so bad about it. so i sent him an email asking him to find it in his heart to meet up with him. i don't want to interrupt his life, but I need to tell him to get closure. it's making me miserable keeping this secret.
maybe one day it will work out for us. i know it's not going to be now because he's with someone else but maybe, just maybe, one day.
i sent an email to my ex boyfriend today saying that i had something to tell him. i'm finally going to tell him i was raped, and that's why i cheated. i lashed out. i didn't know what else to do.
i feel so bad about it. so i sent him an email asking him to find it in his heart to meet up with him. i don't want to interrupt his life, but I need to tell him to get closure. it's making me miserable keeping this secret.
maybe one day it will work out for us. i know it's not going to be now because he's with someone else but maybe, just maybe, one day.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
bleh
this is a pointless post to say how disappointed with myself I am.
also I probably got my job back soooo...money. yay.
also I probably got my job back soooo...money. yay.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
145?
Iiiidunno. Need a laxie. Yesterday I binged and ate 420 calories' worth of m&m's. Purged it but still feel shitty about it. Ate cereal, tried to purge but my stomach wasn't full enough. That was it after that.
Today:
intake
cottage doubles - 100
mini-smoothie - 150
m&ms (my weakness) - 70
cereal - 120
baby food - 35
total - 475
FML.
Need to spread my meals out more.
Need to not waste calories on cereal with no nutritional value. Need to not eat m&m's.
Drinkin some coffee now. Hopefully I'll sustain myself on that.
Today:
intake
cottage doubles - 100
mini-smoothie - 150
m&ms (my weakness) - 70
cereal - 120
baby food - 35
total - 475
FML.
Need to spread my meals out more.
Need to not waste calories on cereal with no nutritional value. Need to not eat m&m's.
Drinkin some coffee now. Hopefully I'll sustain myself on that.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
146
Man, I remember when I used to be proud of typing 170, 160, 150 into that bar. Horrified of that now.
Been home for three days, only purged twice.
Today I made a smoothie with wheat germ, flax, pineapple and a banana. Drank half of it. Purged.
Had fun-size m&ms. 70 cals. Purged.
Fuck.
Did some crunches today, not a ton, but some. Feeling a bit weak today, and really dizzy when I walk. Almost fell down today.
About to go fix a bowl of cereal and pretend to eat it in front of my mom and make her happy. At least throw her off. Maybe if I have that she'll be a little less likely to force me to eat dinner tonight with the family. Turkey and asparagus and broccoli...all things that are going to make my stomach feel like satan's having an orgy in there. NOT EATING IT.
Been home for three days, only purged twice.
Today I made a smoothie with wheat germ, flax, pineapple and a banana. Drank half of it. Purged.
Had fun-size m&ms. 70 cals. Purged.
Fuck.
Did some crunches today, not a ton, but some. Feeling a bit weak today, and really dizzy when I walk. Almost fell down today.
About to go fix a bowl of cereal and pretend to eat it in front of my mom and make her happy. At least throw her off. Maybe if I have that she'll be a little less likely to force me to eat dinner tonight with the family. Turkey and asparagus and broccoli...all things that are going to make my stomach feel like satan's having an orgy in there. NOT EATING IT.
Monday, November 1, 2010
no FUCKING clue
my scale is fuuuuucked. or else my floor is. i have to find a decent, level floor that isn't tile to weigh myself on.
intake
subway - 280 (death)
grapes - 150
smoothie - 150 (all fruit)
m&m's - 210 (FMYLIFE)
total - 690
exercise
50 crunches
20 lunges each side
pushups if i can muster the strength
leg lifts, suffering, self-loathing, running in place, walking, squats
fml
tomorrow's goal - <500
intake
subway - 280 (death)
grapes - 150
smoothie - 150 (all fruit)
m&m's - 210 (FMYLIFE)
total - 690
exercise
50 crunches
20 lunges each side
pushups if i can muster the strength
leg lifts, suffering, self-loathing, running in place, walking, squats
fml
tomorrow's goal - <500
Friday, October 29, 2010
147?
I don't even know what my real weight is because I haven't been able to check it recently. I weighed myself today and it said 148, after drinking water all day, and eating two bowls of wheaties and a sugar free applesauce. Not to mention last night's 'dinner' ( a 7 oz rare steak and broccoli) is still in there somewhere. So I think I'm doing ok.
glad to be going home--much easier to starve there. no other worries, no friends wanting to eat out or at the caf all the time. and limited food.
but now i have to hide it from my parents : / resorting to eighth grade tips and tricks, and I'm nigh 21 years old.
at least i'm spending the next couple months with no responsibilities and highhhhh as fuck thanks to meds.
cals:
mango bar - 90
applesauce - 40
cereal w soy milk - 200
cereal w soy milk - 200
water - 0
total : 530
Ehhh. That's kind of high for me and i'm not quite comfy with it. i think for dinner i will have...oh yeah! Nothing! cause i'll be baking and then getting a manicure. heck yessss excuses not to consume : ) also I like front-loading my calories for earlier in the morning because then I've got all day to burn them off. the plan for the day is 100 crunches total, 30 leg lifts each side, 30 scissor bends, and the plank for one minute. and whatever else I can squeeze in here or there. when you're only eating 500 calories, thirty makes a difference.
glad to be going home--much easier to starve there. no other worries, no friends wanting to eat out or at the caf all the time. and limited food.
but now i have to hide it from my parents : / resorting to eighth grade tips and tricks, and I'm nigh 21 years old.
at least i'm spending the next couple months with no responsibilities and highhhhh as fuck thanks to meds.
cals:
mango bar - 90
applesauce - 40
cereal w soy milk - 200
cereal w soy milk - 200
water - 0
total : 530
Ehhh. That's kind of high for me and i'm not quite comfy with it. i think for dinner i will have...oh yeah! Nothing! cause i'll be baking and then getting a manicure. heck yessss excuses not to consume : ) also I like front-loading my calories for earlier in the morning because then I've got all day to burn them off. the plan for the day is 100 crunches total, 30 leg lifts each side, 30 scissor bends, and the plank for one minute. and whatever else I can squeeze in here or there. when you're only eating 500 calories, thirty makes a difference.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
149
Down a pound, thanks to good old laxatives : /
Dropping out of university because bulimia is killing me. I hate this.
I feel like a failure.
Dropping out of university because bulimia is killing me. I hate this.
I feel like a failure.
150.5
.5 lb loss, which is ok considering the fact that I ate epic carbs last night. I meant to buy some laxatives at the store but the boyfriend was watching me like a hawk. I'm going through some really weird mood changes. For about three weeks my mood was great, and I didn't even care that much that I wasn't losing. Now, I have been having panic attacks nearly every day, and not even when I'm weighing. I haven't purged but I'm already thinking about it, after lunch today. Sad that I'm looking forward to it.
Or nothing at all...that'd be nice. But I'm feeling a b/p coming on...it's been awhile. I don't want to give in, but...
we'll see.
Or nothing at all...that'd be nice. But I'm feeling a b/p coming on...it's been awhile. I don't want to give in, but...
we'll see.
Monday, October 25, 2010
150
Fml, the hospital put me off of losing, and this medicine is fucking me up. Been hovering around 150 for three weeks. Fuckkkk. Oh well, this is going to change. I'm working back down on my food intake. I have been kind of flipping out because I've been afraid I can't purge anymore. Found out today, I can, actually. Stupidly I had some mac n' cheese but I did ok for calories. Even if it was 400 in the mac n cheese alone I still only had fruit today, probably about 240 calories' worth. Still under a thou...doin ok. Gonna go get some more fruit bars and a couple other things at the store tonight.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
151
151 after special brownies last night and a spicy tuna roll today. The roll was probably about 500. FML.
--edit, did some research, it was only 290. Thank jebus.--
Going back on the baby food diet now that I'm going to have cash coming back in. And salads, from the caf to save money.
Not going to tell anyone, I've been eating in front of boyfriend a lot to put his mind at ease.
I feel bad deceiving him but I need thin, and I'm going crazy without it.
One problem is that the anti-anxiety meds I'm on give me drymouth like whoa so I'm /always/ drinking something, and it's not always water. It should be though so that is step 1, drink more water.
Step 2 is keep to my baby food or less diet. The Fanapt increases my appetite but luckily my dose was lowered a few days ago, and less makes me less hungry.
Score.
--edit, did some research, it was only 290. Thank jebus.--
Going back on the baby food diet now that I'm going to have cash coming back in. And salads, from the caf to save money.
Not going to tell anyone, I've been eating in front of boyfriend a lot to put his mind at ease.
I feel bad deceiving him but I need thin, and I'm going crazy without it.
One problem is that the anti-anxiety meds I'm on give me drymouth like whoa so I'm /always/ drinking something, and it's not always water. It should be though so that is step 1, drink more water.
Step 2 is keep to my baby food or less diet. The Fanapt increases my appetite but luckily my dose was lowered a few days ago, and less makes me less hungry.
Score.
Friday, October 22, 2010
150?
FML.
I've been eating less than everyone else but it's still a shit ton for me.
I had chinese last night.
CHINESE.
Fuuuuck.
Well anyway I'm retaining water like a bitch thanks to mother nature's wonderful gifts, and I got back on laxatives a couple days ago and I feel badgoodconfusedguiltysecretive about it.
I know it's just water but this little pooch on my stomach needs to GO.
GONE.
And my thiiiighs. I know I'll have a gap soon, just need to keep up the effort.
I've been eating less than everyone else but it's still a shit ton for me.
I had chinese last night.
CHINESE.
Fuuuuck.
Well anyway I'm retaining water like a bitch thanks to mother nature's wonderful gifts, and I got back on laxatives a couple days ago and I feel badgoodconfusedguiltysecretive about it.
I know it's just water but this little pooch on my stomach needs to GO.
GONE.
And my thiiiighs. I know I'll have a gap soon, just need to keep up the effort.
Friday, October 15, 2010
No Idea
I'm at home for a week and my mom hid the scales.
Also she keeps asking me what I want to eat.
Fuck pretending, I'm just going to refuse. There's nothing she can do until I'm underweight, severely so at that. I don't have to go to the doctor if I don't want to and I don't have to eat if I don't want to either.
So for now I am subsisting on an apple and coffee. Deal with it.
I hate that I am so bitter after IP but fuck I can't take this shit anymore. It is literally giving me anxiety to just not know how much I weigh.
Goddamnit.
I'm going to Wal-Mart and I'm going to weigh myself there in the scale aisle.
Fuck.
Also she keeps asking me what I want to eat.
Fuck pretending, I'm just going to refuse. There's nothing she can do until I'm underweight, severely so at that. I don't have to go to the doctor if I don't want to and I don't have to eat if I don't want to either.
So for now I am subsisting on an apple and coffee. Deal with it.
I hate that I am so bitter after IP but fuck I can't take this shit anymore. It is literally giving me anxiety to just not know how much I weigh.
Goddamnit.
I'm going to Wal-Mart and I'm going to weigh myself there in the scale aisle.
Fuck.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
145 ish.
Welp.
Went to IP, they didn't force me to eat since I'm "bulimic" and I shared most of my food with another girl so I lost five lb.
Not exactly their goal but it sure is mine.
I'd like to say I feel more positive, love my body, blah blah blah but the sheer truth is that I still want to lose 25 more lb and maybe then some.
I want to be 115. Maybe 110. The closer I get to my goal, the lower it goes.
Tiny meals of low-cal foods to put my friends and family off of figuring it out. Sleeping, taking my meds, and doing my hair and makeup every day to ensure I look healthy so they don't flip as I get thinner.
Hiding it until I'm there.
Fuck them. I didn't want to go to IP this time and I certainly don't want to get better right now.
I hate this hell but I love being thin more.
Maybe I'll be less fucked up one day.
Went to IP, they didn't force me to eat since I'm "bulimic" and I shared most of my food with another girl so I lost five lb.
Not exactly their goal but it sure is mine.
I'd like to say I feel more positive, love my body, blah blah blah but the sheer truth is that I still want to lose 25 more lb and maybe then some.
I want to be 115. Maybe 110. The closer I get to my goal, the lower it goes.
Tiny meals of low-cal foods to put my friends and family off of figuring it out. Sleeping, taking my meds, and doing my hair and makeup every day to ensure I look healthy so they don't flip as I get thinner.
Hiding it until I'm there.
Fuck them. I didn't want to go to IP this time and I certainly don't want to get better right now.
I hate this hell but I love being thin more.
Maybe I'll be less fucked up one day.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Bad news : /
Went to the doctor today, she saw how much weight I lost and freaked out. I'm supposed to be making progress but now she knows I'm just worse. : /
Blood pressure was super low and I was shaky and couldn't even hide it. I'm being admitted "voluntarily" into IP on Friday afternoon.
Feck.
Blood pressure was super low and I was shaky and couldn't even hide it. I'm being admitted "voluntarily" into IP on Friday afternoon.
Feck.
149
Under 150. I feel like I thought this would never happen. I'm so grateful it's finally here. Ten more lbs, then I'll be trying to get under 140, and so on. 29 more lbs.
I feel like death today. Shouldn't have had anything to drink last night because I'm hungover as fuck. But yesterday ended up being kind of a binge day because I was drunk. I had about 150 calories worth of cheese and about four crackers, and a yoo-hoo. Luckily I didn't gain at all though. So I'm ok with that. Bout to have a Monster and an excedrine and try to t hink of a good way to dump my boyfriend.
We just want different things out of life : / It's not gonna work.
I feel like death today. Shouldn't have had anything to drink last night because I'm hungover as fuck. But yesterday ended up being kind of a binge day because I was drunk. I had about 150 calories worth of cheese and about four crackers, and a yoo-hoo. Luckily I didn't gain at all though. So I'm ok with that. Bout to have a Monster and an excedrine and try to t hink of a good way to dump my boyfriend.
We just want different things out of life : / It's not gonna work.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
150?-1?
I'm about 150.5 ish at the end of the day. Maybe I'll be under 150 in the morning. Kind of cracked today. Had a bag of baked Lays (130) and some chicken off of a salad (150? idk). Had some more chocolate goldfish graham crackers, like 60 cals worth maybe. Under 500 still I think, but still worse than it has been for the last week.
Doctors' appointment tomorrow : / We'll see.
I skipped ALL of my classes today. Fuck. Oh well. Why do I feel so apathetic about that and so crushed that I ate 300 calories?
I tried to purge it but those things are hard to purge. Couldn't get up the motivation to go to the gym tonight, even though I could have burned off all of those cals in less than an hour : ( I should have gone. I will tomorrow.
Doctors' appointment tomorrow : / We'll see.
I skipped ALL of my classes today. Fuck. Oh well. Why do I feel so apathetic about that and so crushed that I ate 300 calories?
I tried to purge it but those things are hard to purge. Couldn't get up the motivation to go to the gym tonight, even though I could have burned off all of those cals in less than an hour : ( I should have gone. I will tomorrow.
150
It's not under, but it's something. I slept allllll day today and missed all my classes. I feel kind of guilty about it but meh. Idk if my prozac is working or if I'm just not pmsing anymore. Hmm. I guess we'll see in a few weeks.
I realized today with disgust that not eating is startlingly easy now. Much easier than eating and purging, and much less dangerous.
Today I'm eating a fruit bar (90 cal) and some chocolate graham gold fish (50? cal) and idk maybe some 100 cal soup for dinner. I really just need to keep busy today. Maybe I'll go buy my spiderwebs this afternoon.
Note to self, Monster Energy drink does not taste delish if it's been sitting out all night. Mmmkay.
I realized today with disgust that not eating is startlingly easy now. Much easier than eating and purging, and much less dangerous.
Today I'm eating a fruit bar (90 cal) and some chocolate graham gold fish (50? cal) and idk maybe some 100 cal soup for dinner. I really just need to keep busy today. Maybe I'll go buy my spiderwebs this afternoon.
Note to self, Monster Energy drink does not taste delish if it's been sitting out all night. Mmmkay.
Monday, October 4, 2010
152
I weigh 152 at night, and I have ingested a lot of water.
I ran for two miles today, burning apx 250 cals, ran at 8:15/mile. Gonna do some abs work here in my room. Amen for not having a fuckin' roommate.
I purged today again. Sixth(?) day in a row. : / And I haven't even really eaten, except for that day with the pizza. : ( Weight! Go down faster! I can't even tell how much I've really lost, maybe 3 lb? Idk because my weight fluctuates sooo much. All I know is that in the morning if it's under 150 I'm going to cry from happy. . . Until I drink water and it goes back up but still haha. Then it's only 29 more lb from my goal!
My BMI is 22.4.
I ran for two miles today, burning apx 250 cals, ran at 8:15/mile. Gonna do some abs work here in my room. Amen for not having a fuckin' roommate.
I purged today again. Sixth(?) day in a row. : / And I haven't even really eaten, except for that day with the pizza. : ( Weight! Go down faster! I can't even tell how much I've really lost, maybe 3 lb? Idk because my weight fluctuates sooo much. All I know is that in the morning if it's under 150 I'm going to cry from happy. . . Until I drink water and it goes back up but still haha. Then it's only 29 more lb from my goal!
My BMI is 22.4.
151
This morning I was 151 when I got up despite being like 155 when I went to sleep. Water weight? Idk I always weigh less in the am. I have counseling today...we'll see how that goes. In the meantime I'm gonna do some warm-up stretches and have a tiny breakfast to get my metab going. Then go for a brisk walk over to the Dr.'s office and brisk walk back, that's about 3/4 mile. Today I'm going to try to go for an afternoon jog or walk at least but we'll see... it's been difficult these past few days to find the energy and I haven't eaten more than 200 calories (and kept it down) for about a week now so we'll see.
I love looking thinner and feeling thinner in the mornings. My stomach looks much better but there is still fat to get rid of. My inner thighs is where it's really a problem, at least in my eyes. Oh and my back. Lower sides, love handles. Ugh I have about five lb to lose there and three on each upper leg and two on my stomach alone. Grr. Not to mention shaving away the thin layer that's preventing my ribs from poking out all pretty. And my nasty bat-wings. Ughhhh.
Think I'm going to go to the store today and get some more baby food and stock up a little while I have money. Maybe get some lo-cal protein or something, and a vitamin for my hair and nails. They're gettin a little funky.
I love looking thinner and feeling thinner in the mornings. My stomach looks much better but there is still fat to get rid of. My inner thighs is where it's really a problem, at least in my eyes. Oh and my back. Lower sides, love handles. Ugh I have about five lb to lose there and three on each upper leg and two on my stomach alone. Grr. Not to mention shaving away the thin layer that's preventing my ribs from poking out all pretty. And my nasty bat-wings. Ughhhh.
Think I'm going to go to the store today and get some more baby food and stock up a little while I have money. Maybe get some lo-cal protein or something, and a vitamin for my hair and nails. They're gettin a little funky.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
152?
Guess drinking all that water helped banish the bloat from last night's pizza excursion. I only ate two slices and it was super thin crust. Today I ate a fifty cal baby food and 100 cal worth of soup and tried to hold it down but then just went in the bathroom and purged it. Probably only about 60 cals of it but...idk. I just made up that sixty cals by eating a jell-o mousse thing, which was my sweets for the day. Those things are sooo good and they're sugar free. I still feel guilty as hell for eating them but meh.
It's strange how I can see my thoughts morphing, and I'm doing nothing to stop it. I'm achy and tired from not eating, not sleeping properly. My hair is just...well it's bad news. My teeth are achy too and I can't muster the energy to go to the gym or for a walk or even to take a shower sometimes : /
And still I think...it's okay, because I'm getting thinner. I know I will mess up down the road and I will punish myself and I've accepted that with some sort of resigned calmness.
I hate this feeling. Like I'm accepting defeat. But right now I feel like I'm too weak to fight it.
Guess I'll tell Counselor that tomorrow morning at our appointment. . . Meh.
I think the boyfriend is gonna want to go out to eat tonight; he said he was hungry...hopefully he won't make me suffer : (
It's strange how I can see my thoughts morphing, and I'm doing nothing to stop it. I'm achy and tired from not eating, not sleeping properly. My hair is just...well it's bad news. My teeth are achy too and I can't muster the energy to go to the gym or for a walk or even to take a shower sometimes : /
And still I think...it's okay, because I'm getting thinner. I know I will mess up down the road and I will punish myself and I've accepted that with some sort of resigned calmness.
I hate this feeling. Like I'm accepting defeat. But right now I feel like I'm too weak to fight it.
Guess I'll tell Counselor that tomorrow morning at our appointment. . . Meh.
I think the boyfriend is gonna want to go out to eat tonight; he said he was hungry...hopefully he won't make me suffer : (
155
I messed up last night and had pizza with my friends. I know this weight is really just water from the carbs because I know I didn't eat enough to actually gain, but still : /
I feel bad because I was guilted into it--and then when I got there they were making fun of me for not eating even though I said I just ate. They didn't believe me : / I feel like I can't lie to my friends.
Now I'm lying here considering taking a bunch of lax but I don't want to be miserable all night 'cause boyfriend will be here plus I have work to do. Then again I probably deserve the misery for messing up anyway.
I came home right after and tried to purge but bread is so so so hard to purge. I got a little of it up but nothing to make a substantial difference. I wanted to go to the gym but I just felt so woozy and tired. So last night, all that work was for nothing and then I messed up and tried to purge again. Fuck.
I just don't want to purge. I'm fine with starving, at least for awhile. I just don't want to purge!! Please : (
/end immature rant.
I feel bad because I was guilted into it--and then when I got there they were making fun of me for not eating even though I said I just ate. They didn't believe me : / I feel like I can't lie to my friends.
Now I'm lying here considering taking a bunch of lax but I don't want to be miserable all night 'cause boyfriend will be here plus I have work to do. Then again I probably deserve the misery for messing up anyway.
I came home right after and tried to purge but bread is so so so hard to purge. I got a little of it up but nothing to make a substantial difference. I wanted to go to the gym but I just felt so woozy and tired. So last night, all that work was for nothing and then I messed up and tried to purge again. Fuck.
I just don't want to purge. I'm fine with starving, at least for awhile. I just don't want to purge!! Please : (
/end immature rant.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Hunger
I guess it's been a long time since I let myself get truly hungry. Usually I'll satisfy myself with a tiny meal if it gets unbearable but I've given up on that in the last few days. I've pretty much eaten spinach, onions and fruit for the last three days and not a lot of it. This morning I had a toddlers' size cup of cereal with skim milk (100?) and a couple of hours later I had a pot of baby food that was 50 cal. I want to have a bit more cereal but right now I'm having a cough drop in hopes I can put off the cereal a bit longer. I don't want to eat anything at all after six p.m.
Anyway the real reason for this post is that I'm just going a little bit crazy because usually I don't /feel/ my hunger. It just sits there dead and eventually goes away after a few minutes.
I don't mean to bore any possible readers (though unlikely) with the minutiae, but I've just chewed up the rest of the lozenge and that made my hunger immediately subside.
Depriving myself of chewing is the problem? Maybe I'll eat something crunchy then.
I'm worried about this. My body is behaving strangely. I'd like to say I'm used to it but I'm not. It reminds me of anorexia. Discipline, the struggle to actually eat rather than to avoid it... It's a slippery slope.
Anyway the real reason for this post is that I'm just going a little bit crazy because usually I don't /feel/ my hunger. It just sits there dead and eventually goes away after a few minutes.
I don't mean to bore any possible readers (though unlikely) with the minutiae, but I've just chewed up the rest of the lozenge and that made my hunger immediately subside.
Depriving myself of chewing is the problem? Maybe I'll eat something crunchy then.
I'm worried about this. My body is behaving strangely. I'd like to say I'm used to it but I'm not. It reminds me of anorexia. Discipline, the struggle to actually eat rather than to avoid it... It's a slippery slope.
Curioser and Curioser...153
Down a pound. Pictures at the end. Also, I found out last night that if you don't eat real food for a week you can get drunk off of two beers.
ANYWAY.
Woke up this morning, to the lovely sounds of my "takeyourpills" alarm, which goes off at 9 o'clock am each day. I was a little dazed and, to be fair, still a little drunk, and definitely dehydrated.
Tossed back my vitamins and a prozac and chugged a sugarfree vitaminwater. Looked down at Boyfriend, who was still somehow asleep despite my alarm and clumsy clunking around the room.
Sometimes I just find him to be so beautiful...so I feel like I need to indulge myself a little here. He is tall. Taller than I am. Taller than his parents are, which is saying something because they are taller than most Mexicans. He has a beautiful, symmetrical face, with features that are not too big or too small. His skin is one of my favorite features. It is not the dim yellow-brown that many of his family members have; rather, it is a russet color, chestnut and cinnamon and always warm to the touch. His eyes are the best thing, dark brown-black and almond shaped, with long dark eyelashes that I regard with envy every day as I stroke mascara onto my stick-straight fringe. Those eyes are so dark brown that it is hard to distinguish the pupil from the iris. They are so open and liquid sometimes that he seems innocent, but I know what he has been through in his short life. He is a year younger than I am but a thousand years older. He has made some selfless life choices that I know I wouldn't have had the strength to make. He has also made those choices and they've led him to me. Being a young child in Mexico it must have been difficult coming to America and having to learn about a whole new language and culture. Being the only one who can't speak English in the entire class, not knowing what's going on, and having to do it day after day... I'd have folded. Growing up in rough neighborhoods and still being a good student, still staying away from drugs, staying in school, staying out of a gang despite the temptation for quick money. Living with an immigrant family who is proud of what it has but scorned by others for what they have. Graduating high school and making the choice to join the Marines because it would mean that your family could pay off the modest home they live in and eat and have water and all the other basic needs. And now, that he is in college, doing the work he's always wanted to do, he still makes sure that his needs come last.
I know he must have cried. He must have struggled. He must have thought to himself...why? Why me? Can I just have a little break? Can it just be easy for awhile?
And I've thought that for the last six and a half years. Why? Why me? Just give me one little break. I've even thought about pretending to believe in god just so I'd have something to pray to or to blame. The difference between him and me is that he has struggled against outside forces and come out on top, and I've struggled against myself and still lost so far.
And I sit and cry in my bathroom, feet pressed to the cold tile as I try to ground myself from my dizzy spell, heart thudding mercilessly in my chest and in my ears, my throat on fire and my knuckles bruised. I haven't the strength nor the will to get up and go to bed.
And then I slide forward onto my hands and knees and I crawl to the scale. I steady myself against the shower wall and I stand and place my feet evenly on the scale and note the slight change, the slight shift to the left from 4 to 3 and triumph sends butterflies through my stomach. I'm lightheaded and giddy for a different reason, and though my legs are rubbery I find a way to do a couple of lunges and squats on the way back to bed, mind and body empty and light.
It's pathetic.
I cause myself this pain, and he makes sure to cater to me, to pet my hair, to whisper against my temples that it's going to be okay. He cradles me in his arms and I try to convince myself that there's a reason that this beautiful person cares about me, and I close my eyes and let him tell me nothing, the cadence of the lilt in his voice soft but present, the remnant of a decade-long battle to blend in.
It's that that we have in common. He is trying to blend, to be like everyone, to be liked by everyone, so much that he is now afraid to be too kind. He doesn't want to be walked on, or wrong, or made a fool of.
I just want to disappear.
This self hatred is what drives me. This unexplained need to be perfect and adored, to make sure that I'm pleasing everyone, and that I'm bothering no one. I'm no longer hungry; rather, there is a gnawing emptiness that is ever-present, yet I cannot convince myself that it is ok to fix that emptiness.
Which is why this counseling is not working. I don't feel that I deserve to be full. I don't want to be, and even if I did I couldn't be. Not when I have so much to make up for. Not when I have so many people to care for. Not when I have so many responsibilities.
I know that one day I won't be able to take it anymore and this body will fail me. That frightens me, but it also sounds like a relief. A rest, a quietness from the obnoxious, noisy, negative chatter that constantly feeds my brain and pounds on the inside of my skull until I let it out to wreak its havoc on my body.
Let loose these dogs of war and let them rip at my flesh until I'm a mere skeleton. A bag of bones with which they will shortly lose interest.
Maybe then I can rest.
--
In other news...
Here are some better, less water-retaining pictures of me. Two days of chugging water and green tea helps fight bloat soooo much.
Still so much to go though. I'm 152 or 153 here.
ANYWAY.
Woke up this morning, to the lovely sounds of my "takeyourpills" alarm, which goes off at 9 o'clock am each day. I was a little dazed and, to be fair, still a little drunk, and definitely dehydrated.
Tossed back my vitamins and a prozac and chugged a sugarfree vitaminwater. Looked down at Boyfriend, who was still somehow asleep despite my alarm and clumsy clunking around the room.
Sometimes I just find him to be so beautiful...so I feel like I need to indulge myself a little here. He is tall. Taller than I am. Taller than his parents are, which is saying something because they are taller than most Mexicans. He has a beautiful, symmetrical face, with features that are not too big or too small. His skin is one of my favorite features. It is not the dim yellow-brown that many of his family members have; rather, it is a russet color, chestnut and cinnamon and always warm to the touch. His eyes are the best thing, dark brown-black and almond shaped, with long dark eyelashes that I regard with envy every day as I stroke mascara onto my stick-straight fringe. Those eyes are so dark brown that it is hard to distinguish the pupil from the iris. They are so open and liquid sometimes that he seems innocent, but I know what he has been through in his short life. He is a year younger than I am but a thousand years older. He has made some selfless life choices that I know I wouldn't have had the strength to make. He has also made those choices and they've led him to me. Being a young child in Mexico it must have been difficult coming to America and having to learn about a whole new language and culture. Being the only one who can't speak English in the entire class, not knowing what's going on, and having to do it day after day... I'd have folded. Growing up in rough neighborhoods and still being a good student, still staying away from drugs, staying in school, staying out of a gang despite the temptation for quick money. Living with an immigrant family who is proud of what it has but scorned by others for what they have. Graduating high school and making the choice to join the Marines because it would mean that your family could pay off the modest home they live in and eat and have water and all the other basic needs. And now, that he is in college, doing the work he's always wanted to do, he still makes sure that his needs come last.
I know he must have cried. He must have struggled. He must have thought to himself...why? Why me? Can I just have a little break? Can it just be easy for awhile?
And I've thought that for the last six and a half years. Why? Why me? Just give me one little break. I've even thought about pretending to believe in god just so I'd have something to pray to or to blame. The difference between him and me is that he has struggled against outside forces and come out on top, and I've struggled against myself and still lost so far.
And I sit and cry in my bathroom, feet pressed to the cold tile as I try to ground myself from my dizzy spell, heart thudding mercilessly in my chest and in my ears, my throat on fire and my knuckles bruised. I haven't the strength nor the will to get up and go to bed.
And then I slide forward onto my hands and knees and I crawl to the scale. I steady myself against the shower wall and I stand and place my feet evenly on the scale and note the slight change, the slight shift to the left from 4 to 3 and triumph sends butterflies through my stomach. I'm lightheaded and giddy for a different reason, and though my legs are rubbery I find a way to do a couple of lunges and squats on the way back to bed, mind and body empty and light.
It's pathetic.
I cause myself this pain, and he makes sure to cater to me, to pet my hair, to whisper against my temples that it's going to be okay. He cradles me in his arms and I try to convince myself that there's a reason that this beautiful person cares about me, and I close my eyes and let him tell me nothing, the cadence of the lilt in his voice soft but present, the remnant of a decade-long battle to blend in.
It's that that we have in common. He is trying to blend, to be like everyone, to be liked by everyone, so much that he is now afraid to be too kind. He doesn't want to be walked on, or wrong, or made a fool of.
I just want to disappear.
This self hatred is what drives me. This unexplained need to be perfect and adored, to make sure that I'm pleasing everyone, and that I'm bothering no one. I'm no longer hungry; rather, there is a gnawing emptiness that is ever-present, yet I cannot convince myself that it is ok to fix that emptiness.
Which is why this counseling is not working. I don't feel that I deserve to be full. I don't want to be, and even if I did I couldn't be. Not when I have so much to make up for. Not when I have so many people to care for. Not when I have so many responsibilities.
I know that one day I won't be able to take it anymore and this body will fail me. That frightens me, but it also sounds like a relief. A rest, a quietness from the obnoxious, noisy, negative chatter that constantly feeds my brain and pounds on the inside of my skull until I let it out to wreak its havoc on my body.
Let loose these dogs of war and let them rip at my flesh until I'm a mere skeleton. A bag of bones with which they will shortly lose interest.
Maybe then I can rest.
--
In other news...
Here are some better, less water-retaining pictures of me. Two days of chugging water and green tea helps fight bloat soooo much.
Still so much to go though. I'm 152 or 153 here.
Friday, October 1, 2010
154
Looked in the mirror today and turned to the sides. Can see my hipbones. Thank jebus they're finally coming back. I'm just so panicked at having all this stuff on me. I hate it.
After three days of minimal eating I've lost any specific cravings. I just get a gnawing feeling of hunger sometimes but it's not like OMG need chocolate now!
I'm glad I didn't buy snack foods the other day.
I spend all my time at the grocery wandering up and down the aisles looking at all the things I can never buy for myself : (
I know I never will. Bleh...
Boyfriend ran his hands over me today and said in a concerned tone: "Baby...I can feel your ribs." and looked at me with his brown eyes, so concerned. My heart jumped in happiness but I also hate that it hurts him. Whyyyy am I hurting people?
I need to get out of this negative mindset.
After three days of minimal eating I've lost any specific cravings. I just get a gnawing feeling of hunger sometimes but it's not like OMG need chocolate now!
I'm glad I didn't buy snack foods the other day.
I spend all my time at the grocery wandering up and down the aisles looking at all the things I can never buy for myself : (
I know I never will. Bleh...
Boyfriend ran his hands over me today and said in a concerned tone: "Baby...I can feel your ribs." and looked at me with his brown eyes, so concerned. My heart jumped in happiness but I also hate that it hurts him. Whyyyy am I hurting people?
I need to get out of this negative mindset.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
154
Laxatives last night at midnight, lost a pound of weight. I know it's not real weight but still. I feel better.
Day three of being back on Prozac : / idk how I feel about it yet. I feel like I might be in a better mood but the drug hasn't really been in my system long enough to affect me. Blehh.
Yesterday I luckily was able to stay away from food all day and not have to deal with a lot of food situations but last night a bunch of friends went to get root beer floats. I told them I didn't want anything but they kind of pressured me as I've been looking rather thin compared to what I used to...So I ate a kids meal. Well most of it anyway. I didn't gain from it but I still regret it because it's not good for my body at all and I only felt guilty afterward. I need to remember that feeling so I can avoid it. Guilt. Ugh. As if I don't have enough of that.
I'm looking forward to having time to go to the gym this afternoon! After I go check out some phone options I'm going to come back to campus and go work out, hopefully for a couple of hours. Might get to 152 by Sundayyyyyy! That'd be nice. Then 148 next Sunday? I could live with that.
Goal is 125 by 12-25. Christmas.
Goal weights, in my opinion, are stupid. I'll never be done with this, but I'm afraid if I don't have a goal that I'll just spiral out of control. At least if I have an "end goal", I can fool myself into thinking all I want to do is lose a bit of weight... : (
Day three of being back on Prozac : / idk how I feel about it yet. I feel like I might be in a better mood but the drug hasn't really been in my system long enough to affect me. Blehh.
Yesterday I luckily was able to stay away from food all day and not have to deal with a lot of food situations but last night a bunch of friends went to get root beer floats. I told them I didn't want anything but they kind of pressured me as I've been looking rather thin compared to what I used to...So I ate a kids meal. Well most of it anyway. I didn't gain from it but I still regret it because it's not good for my body at all and I only felt guilty afterward. I need to remember that feeling so I can avoid it. Guilt. Ugh. As if I don't have enough of that.
I'm looking forward to having time to go to the gym this afternoon! After I go check out some phone options I'm going to come back to campus and go work out, hopefully for a couple of hours. Might get to 152 by Sundayyyyyy! That'd be nice. Then 148 next Sunday? I could live with that.
Goal is 125 by 12-25. Christmas.
Goal weights, in my opinion, are stupid. I'll never be done with this, but I'm afraid if I don't have a goal that I'll just spiral out of control. At least if I have an "end goal", I can fool myself into thinking all I want to do is lose a bit of weight... : (
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Dinner
Went to the caf to socialize. Good times. But was kinda meh. I felt a little indifferent. Tried to get a salad but I was so disgusted with everything in the caf...it's the same thing every day. I can only eat so much spinach with red peppers on it. Grr.
I had a tiny custard cup with some soft-serve vanilla ice cream in it, maybe half a cup with 1/2 tbsp of honey on it. Looked it up and it's 191 calories ish for 1/2 a cup. Plus I had honey on it. So there's another 13 cals right there. I don't have trouble restricting, but I do have trouble telling myself to be ok without purging. I eat things solely with the intent of purging them, and that is pathetic.
I've been hiding it hardcore from Boyfriend. He knows I started back on my antidepressants so I'm sure he's expecting some glorious return of my real personality... well the happy pills haven't kicked in yet but meh we'll see. Hopefully it'll improve my attendance at school as well. I just have to get my sleeping habits fixed.
Anyway, I'm going to the gym tonight after work in hopes of burning off whatever's left of that ice cream that I didn't purge.
Food:
B: Baby Food 80
L: Fiber One Bar 90
D: Bit of Salad and Ice Cream 210
Total: 380. FUCK.
It's ridiculous. I know four hundred calories is not too much for a normal person. It's wayyyy too little. If my best friend was only eating that much a day I'd be concerned for her yet I'm not concerned for myself in the least. All I can do is think, hope, pray, plea for the number to be smaller tomorrow so I can have a happy day.
I just hope Boyfriend doesn't find out....He'll be upset : (
I had a tiny custard cup with some soft-serve vanilla ice cream in it, maybe half a cup with 1/2 tbsp of honey on it. Looked it up and it's 191 calories ish for 1/2 a cup. Plus I had honey on it. So there's another 13 cals right there. I don't have trouble restricting, but I do have trouble telling myself to be ok without purging. I eat things solely with the intent of purging them, and that is pathetic.
I've been hiding it hardcore from Boyfriend. He knows I started back on my antidepressants so I'm sure he's expecting some glorious return of my real personality... well the happy pills haven't kicked in yet but meh we'll see. Hopefully it'll improve my attendance at school as well. I just have to get my sleeping habits fixed.
Anyway, I'm going to the gym tonight after work in hopes of burning off whatever's left of that ice cream that I didn't purge.
Food:
B: Baby Food 80
L: Fiber One Bar 90
D: Bit of Salad and Ice Cream 210
Total: 380. FUCK.
It's ridiculous. I know four hundred calories is not too much for a normal person. It's wayyyy too little. If my best friend was only eating that much a day I'd be concerned for her yet I'm not concerned for myself in the least. All I can do is think, hope, pray, plea for the number to be smaller tomorrow so I can have a happy day.
I just hope Boyfriend doesn't find out....He'll be upset : (
155
Happy to say that my weight has not increased in the last couple of days at all because I have not eaten food (except for a bit of salad and a cookie yesterday--which i tried to purge but couldn't).
Eating an 80 calorie baby food in place of going to the caf, which was very tempting because I need the socialization. Small victories. Oh, another small victory was yesterday when I was faced with Panera bread and Starbucks. I really wanted one of those chocolate things from Panera and I was just like ohhhh it'll be fine, I haven't eaten anything today so if I get the pastry it wont' hurt that much. Yeah. Well I just passed it right up after a little bit of debating. I just hit the gas pedal and pushed myself away from it. And boyfriend brought me my favorite coffee thing from starbucks--or at least my old favorite but he didn't get it with skim or sugar free so i couldn't drink it. i pretended to for his sake (and it was delicious) but I tossed it out as soon as he left.
I just wish I could get rid of this stomach fat and my back fat. And my inner thighs. The rest of me isn't that bad, it's just that it all seems to collect in these spots augh! Plus I have stretch marks--thanks, bulimia--that I'm trying to get rid of with Bio-Oil but it takes three months to work and I'm soooo impatient : / Oh well. Hopefully today goes as good as yesterday. Actually no, I hope it goes better, because even though i only had liquids i probs had about 700 calories total. So baby food and tea and water today.
Fruit fast tomorrow? Sounds good : )
Eating an 80 calorie baby food in place of going to the caf, which was very tempting because I need the socialization. Small victories. Oh, another small victory was yesterday when I was faced with Panera bread and Starbucks. I really wanted one of those chocolate things from Panera and I was just like ohhhh it'll be fine, I haven't eaten anything today so if I get the pastry it wont' hurt that much. Yeah. Well I just passed it right up after a little bit of debating. I just hit the gas pedal and pushed myself away from it. And boyfriend brought me my favorite coffee thing from starbucks--or at least my old favorite but he didn't get it with skim or sugar free so i couldn't drink it. i pretended to for his sake (and it was delicious) but I tossed it out as soon as he left.
I just wish I could get rid of this stomach fat and my back fat. And my inner thighs. The rest of me isn't that bad, it's just that it all seems to collect in these spots augh! Plus I have stretch marks--thanks, bulimia--that I'm trying to get rid of with Bio-Oil but it takes three months to work and I'm soooo impatient : / Oh well. Hopefully today goes as good as yesterday. Actually no, I hope it goes better, because even though i only had liquids i probs had about 700 calories total. So baby food and tea and water today.
Fruit fast tomorrow? Sounds good : )
Monday, September 27, 2010
Struggle
Went out with friends. Originally planned to only go get the boyfriend some food but caught my other two friends. ate mexican food with them 'cause i was anxious. came home. puked. felt a little better. still feel too full, even though really I didn't eat that much. calorie-wise though it was at least a thousand.
idk. more working out tomorrow, followed by less eating. I can get down.
It's easy. Just eat less and exercise more. Not that hard.
idk. more working out tomorrow, followed by less eating. I can get down.
It's easy. Just eat less and exercise more. Not that hard.
156
Meh back to 156 when I woke up. Guess it was just water. Went running today at nine, was on the treadmill for only about twenty minutes. I feel so much better and more motivated now.
After that I went to my counseling appointment and we talked about self-recognition, like being able to realize what triggers you and talking yourself out of deep emotional ruts.
He's putting me on anti-depressants of a different sort now. Hopefully that should help get rid of the negative feelings.
After yesterday's uncontrolled purging after eating that icing, i realized that I need to be more in control. Yes, I desperately need to be thin, but...I need to stop purging.
So today I went to the caf while I was still on my high from exercising and had a light salad and some fruit for dessert... and one cookie. And a glass of lemon water.
And I feel okay.
Well. A bit guilty about the cookie but meh.
After that I went to my counseling appointment and we talked about self-recognition, like being able to realize what triggers you and talking yourself out of deep emotional ruts.
He's putting me on anti-depressants of a different sort now. Hopefully that should help get rid of the negative feelings.
After yesterday's uncontrolled purging after eating that icing, i realized that I need to be more in control. Yes, I desperately need to be thin, but...I need to stop purging.
So today I went to the caf while I was still on my high from exercising and had a light salad and some fruit for dessert... and one cookie. And a glass of lemon water.
And I feel okay.
Well. A bit guilty about the cookie but meh.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
No Idea
So in my depression at being at '160'--which was probably just carb water bloat from the low-fat subway veggie sub i had but still--i ate 1/3 of a jar of rainbow chip frosting, and then i tossed my cookies in my bathroom.
the scary thing is that it was much easier than usual. i have pretty much no gag reflex, and i usually purge through exercise, so when i do feel like i have to vomit it's often a lengthy and tedious process. This was a ten minute episode and after i felt exhilarated. Fuck. : / Kind of scares me a little.
I wonder if I'm going insane. I eat nothing for a week and i lose nothing, I eat one meal and I gain five lbs. Is my metabolism really that screwy? All I know is that I need to get back on my regimen tomorrow. I hate that sort of thing, and i hate the fact that I'm intentionally starving myself, but it's either that or binge and purge and frankly my throat hurts, my face is puffy, and my eyes have broken blood vessels and my knuckles are scarred up and i hate it.
so no more of that.
the saddest part is a few days ago i thought to myself...this isn't so bad. this body. it's better than what i had before. i could live with it.
i believed that for a couple of days. i avoided mirrors. i avoided the scale. then i gave into temptation and stepped on the scale and all hell broke loose.
boyfriend says hes' glad we've been getting along so well recently. he doesn't realize it's because i hate myself. because i see him looking at thinner girls. commenting on my breasts and how they've gotten smaller. saying that my shoes look weird. or that he doesn't like my shirt. or saying how all these girls are cute all the time.
i'm not jealous, per se, i just wish he wouldn't tell me. it just makes me feel bad about myself. i don't care if he looks, i just don't want to know about it : /
he gets mad when he shows up and i'm irritable
but it's because i've just eaten a FUCKING JAR OF FROSTING AND THEN PUKED IT UP.
fuck. my. life.
goddamn.
the scary thing is that it was much easier than usual. i have pretty much no gag reflex, and i usually purge through exercise, so when i do feel like i have to vomit it's often a lengthy and tedious process. This was a ten minute episode and after i felt exhilarated. Fuck. : / Kind of scares me a little.
I wonder if I'm going insane. I eat nothing for a week and i lose nothing, I eat one meal and I gain five lbs. Is my metabolism really that screwy? All I know is that I need to get back on my regimen tomorrow. I hate that sort of thing, and i hate the fact that I'm intentionally starving myself, but it's either that or binge and purge and frankly my throat hurts, my face is puffy, and my eyes have broken blood vessels and my knuckles are scarred up and i hate it.
so no more of that.
the saddest part is a few days ago i thought to myself...this isn't so bad. this body. it's better than what i had before. i could live with it.
i believed that for a couple of days. i avoided mirrors. i avoided the scale. then i gave into temptation and stepped on the scale and all hell broke loose.
boyfriend says hes' glad we've been getting along so well recently. he doesn't realize it's because i hate myself. because i see him looking at thinner girls. commenting on my breasts and how they've gotten smaller. saying that my shoes look weird. or that he doesn't like my shirt. or saying how all these girls are cute all the time.
i'm not jealous, per se, i just wish he wouldn't tell me. it just makes me feel bad about myself. i don't care if he looks, i just don't want to know about it : /
he gets mad when he shows up and i'm irritable
but it's because i've just eaten a FUCKING JAR OF FROSTING AND THEN PUKED IT UP.
fuck. my. life.
goddamn.
160?
Idk I've ingested a lot of liquids today, not to mention a sandwich from Subway. I decided today that i'm going to let myself have a cravings day, where I just let myself eat whatever the fuck I want for the entire night. Tomorrow, I begin my regimen again.
3 Baby food containers a day.
Fiber crisps
Rice cakes
Water
es todo
-
3 Baby food containers a day.
Fiber crisps
Rice cakes
Water
es todo
-
Friday, September 24, 2010
155
When I woke up and weighed this is what it was.
Then~
I ate lunch with my friends. I had a veggie burger. It tasted good but I'm soooo full now. I don't like the weighty feeling. And the worst part is that right before I went I was like noooo, you should just stay home, not worth it, blahh.
: (
I never listen to myself.
So much shit has gone on in the last day it's a wonder i haven't binged.
My boyfriend, who constantly insures me he is fine, that he won't come, that he knows when it's coming, and he won't do it inside me...totally did last night. Right in the middle of the month, the most dangerous time.
So I went to CVS last night and got emergency contraception : /
Here's hoping that shit works. I don't want to have to deal with this.
Then~
I ate lunch with my friends. I had a veggie burger. It tasted good but I'm soooo full now. I don't like the weighty feeling. And the worst part is that right before I went I was like noooo, you should just stay home, not worth it, blahh.
: (
I never listen to myself.
So much shit has gone on in the last day it's a wonder i haven't binged.
My boyfriend, who constantly insures me he is fine, that he won't come, that he knows when it's coming, and he won't do it inside me...totally did last night. Right in the middle of the month, the most dangerous time.
So I went to CVS last night and got emergency contraception : /
Here's hoping that shit works. I don't want to have to deal with this.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
156
Idk somewhere between 155 and 159. My scale is weird, or I drank a lot. I woke up and weighed and I was 154.5 then I weighed again and I was `58. Need to buy a digital scale next time. Mhm.
Been meaning to clean my room but I've been super lazy lately.
Interviewing RFK, Jr. tonight. Kinda nervous--never interviewed anyone like that before.
Ate decently at lunch. Bite of a sandwich. Nibble of salad. A few spoons of vegetable soup. 1/3 of a banana. A cookie. Diet coke.
Idk i just wasn't in the mood.
I was struck by a horribly delicious thought this morning: what would I look like if I dropped sixty lb?
Emaciated to be sure but it was just morbid curiosity. Giving myself a goal for this week. Under 155 consistently for three days to be sure it's not just water. Get back into working out. I'll go tonight. It's always the thought of going that's worse than actually being there.
Been meaning to clean my room but I've been super lazy lately.
Interviewing RFK, Jr. tonight. Kinda nervous--never interviewed anyone like that before.
Ate decently at lunch. Bite of a sandwich. Nibble of salad. A few spoons of vegetable soup. 1/3 of a banana. A cookie. Diet coke.
Idk i just wasn't in the mood.
I was struck by a horribly delicious thought this morning: what would I look like if I dropped sixty lb?
Emaciated to be sure but it was just morbid curiosity. Giving myself a goal for this week. Under 155 consistently for three days to be sure it's not just water. Get back into working out. I'll go tonight. It's always the thought of going that's worse than actually being there.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
159
Back to `59 because i let myself be a whore to food. I'm going to try really hard to do some serious clean eating and get myself back into fasting mode and stay there for a long freaking time.
things are oddly blissful and easy with the boyfriend.
he let something very offensive that i said go the other night. i felt really bad about saying it, and i think he learned that the only way we're ever going to be able to work is if we compromise. hopes.
things are oddly blissful and easy with the boyfriend.
he let something very offensive that i said go the other night. i felt really bad about saying it, and i think he learned that the only way we're ever going to be able to work is if we compromise. hopes.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
159
Binged all weekend, haven't gotten rid of anything and I'm only at 159? Weird.
Well just in case I'm gonna run like a bitch tomorrow and try to eat absolutely nothing. It'll feel good to be pure. Plus my hair will be pretty. Maybe I can just eat fruit and vegetables...That'd be clean eating for sure.
Gotta get down below 150.
Got picked up by three boys this weekend. Odd? Yes. Satisfying? Yes. . . Ish. But Will be better when they pick me up and they're like OMG you're so light!
So much homework...not enough time for food. Haha.
Well just in case I'm gonna run like a bitch tomorrow and try to eat absolutely nothing. It'll feel good to be pure. Plus my hair will be pretty. Maybe I can just eat fruit and vegetables...That'd be clean eating for sure.
Gotta get down below 150.
Got picked up by three boys this weekend. Odd? Yes. Satisfying? Yes. . . Ish. But Will be better when they pick me up and they're like OMG you're so light!
So much homework...not enough time for food. Haha.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Binge
I ate two normal meals yesterday and I felt like I was going to die. TOO MUCH. But I had to do it because I don't want my mom to worry. I didn't stop then though. I had a caramel apple spice at starbuck's (sugar free syrup), and an oreo cookie. FML. A 'normal' day for anyone else but for me--insanity.
I talked to a counselor yesterday morning about my desperation to get out of this situation. Just to be healthy. To end not only my disordered eating but my disordered thinking. He suggested I start a journal--ha! x) I told him I already write so that was good. He sees benefits in the way that I think though--the fact that I know my behaviors are wrong is a good thing.
But he says I should tell my mom what a struggle I'm going through, but she's already dealing with so much. Plus she has lot rent to pay, and there's a lot of crap going on with her. . . So I'd feel guiltier telling her.
Annnd...secretly I really want to get under my UGW, which will only take a few more months so I'm kinda...Idk. Kinda mixed. Rather not purge ever again, but if I starve... I dunno if I can keep that disciplined though. The B/P cycle is really ingrained, and so is the guilt after I eat. So maybe not yet.
The other side of that coin is that I don't have money for the treatment my counselor wants. He doesn't seem to understand that free counseling is my only option. That and antidepressants : / But he's not an expert in eating disorders and doesn't know how to approach it anyway.
Anyone have any ideas?
I talked to a counselor yesterday morning about my desperation to get out of this situation. Just to be healthy. To end not only my disordered eating but my disordered thinking. He suggested I start a journal--ha! x) I told him I already write so that was good. He sees benefits in the way that I think though--the fact that I know my behaviors are wrong is a good thing.
But he says I should tell my mom what a struggle I'm going through, but she's already dealing with so much. Plus she has lot rent to pay, and there's a lot of crap going on with her. . . So I'd feel guiltier telling her.
Annnd...secretly I really want to get under my UGW, which will only take a few more months so I'm kinda...Idk. Kinda mixed. Rather not purge ever again, but if I starve... I dunno if I can keep that disciplined though. The B/P cycle is really ingrained, and so is the guilt after I eat. So maybe not yet.
The other side of that coin is that I don't have money for the treatment my counselor wants. He doesn't seem to understand that free counseling is my only option. That and antidepressants : / But he's not an expert in eating disorders and doesn't know how to approach it anyway.
Anyone have any ideas?
Friday, September 17, 2010
No Fucking Idea
I'm home for the weekend. Mixed feelings. Kinda want to be back at school. Thought I'd be more excited but I'm kinda meh right now. Kind of want to be with my friends at the party but don't just wanna go back. Might go back tomorrow night. Idk..... I feel strange. I was really wanting to come home to get away from the stress but now I'm here and it's just. . . idk. Not the relief I wanted it to be.
Strange.
Strange.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
156
Just want to get below. : (
Maybe after this weekend. I'm going home for the weekend so it'll be a good chance to recharge. Don't really want to drive but meh.
Feeling very unhappy. Don't want to get out of bed to go to class. No motivation for schoolwork at all. No motivation to do anything at all. Just want to feel okay.
And still I feel I'm not sick enough to need help. I feel like there's a cold ache around my heart, in my chest. Weighing me down.
I hate this town. I am not enjoying school. Being with my boyfriend isn't fun anymore. Nothing's fun anymore.
I just need something.
Maybe after this weekend. I'm going home for the weekend so it'll be a good chance to recharge. Don't really want to drive but meh.
Feeling very unhappy. Don't want to get out of bed to go to class. No motivation for schoolwork at all. No motivation to do anything at all. Just want to feel okay.
And still I feel I'm not sick enough to need help. I feel like there's a cold ache around my heart, in my chest. Weighing me down.
I hate this town. I am not enjoying school. Being with my boyfriend isn't fun anymore. Nothing's fun anymore.
I just need something.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
No idea
I'll weigh later when I'm naked. I weighed with clothes on and a lot of water in my body and a bit of lunch and I was still a couple lb under 160 so I'm hoping that's the case. Took laxes last night but not a lot happened. I just want to clean meself out. Been drinking a lot more water and gonna start deep conditioning my hair. Getting to the point where my body's failing...not good. : ( I'm not even skinny yet.
-
Looking forward to winter when I'll want hot tea all the time. Unfortunately cold weather means...: / Less natural heat to keep me warm. Hoping to be skinny by then though. I /need/ to make this happen.
-
After spending an evening bitching me out, boyfriend finally confessed that he stole files off of my computer. Videos. My weight-loss video log. He claims he didn't watch them but it's the principle of the thing...he took my stuff without asking, my private intimate log : ( and he always gave me crap about it too. Always made me feel guilty for not trusting him when all along he had stolen my vids. : ( Idk how to feel about that, other than I can feel this relationship falling apart. I thought I could be with him for a long time but I'm very unhappy and this just isn't working out it seems. I can deal with it in the short term but long term I just don't know. But I know he's really in love with me... Just the other night he told me that he's never felt this way about anyone and he feels scared that I'm going to hurt him.
Well maybe I am : /
I don't know. But now I feel pressured. I wish we'd never said the 'L' word.
I guess you live and learn some days.
-
The other night I was thinking and I miss my ex-boyfriend. I know he wasn't good for me. He was emotionally abusive. He didn't care that stuff hurt my feelings. He made me feel like the bad guy all the time, even when I was just saying my feelings were hurt. He always wanted sex, all the time. I know it's just a male hormone thing but it's like... he started saying stuff about if I 'teased' him and didn't follow through he'd be angry. And at times he would get really really pissed. Made me feel like I owed it to him or something.
But I guess I'm in that breakup stage where I gloss over the bad stuff and remember the good, like how I always knew how he'd respond. I knew his favorites. I knew what gifts to get him. I knew that if I said a joke he'd laugh, and I could really be myself around him.
With Boyfriend, I feel sometimes like that's not possible. I never know how he'll respond. If I joke he can take offense to it and gets super serious. And once he's angry there's no getting out of it.
I guess I've only known him half a year but... Still. I wish we'd have been friends first. He's jealous and telling me I can't be friends with this guy because the guy might have had a crush on me at some point. Honestly, I know he just feels threatened because the other guy is extremely good looking, he's a bit older than me (only a couple years) and our personalities mesh quite well. There's no way I'd ever cheat on Boyfriend, but he doesn't see it. I would date the other boy in question if ever the time came where I wanted to and he wanted to and things wouldn't be awkward, but I would obviously not do so while I was involved. I just can't do that.
I don't even think about it.
Grr.
Wtf ever.
-
I flipped my shit last night. Haven't felt that way in a looong time. I just felt so angry, irrationally so. So hateful. Resentful. It was awful : ( I was so restless--I felt like I couldn't do anything to make the feeling go away. I felt hot. In despair. So depressed. Worthless. It came in waves.
So I decided that even though i'm not going back to group therapy right now, i'm going to the university counselor... : / idk how to talk to her about this though. so confusing.
i guess i've just never quite felt this depressed before.
awful.
-
Looking forward to winter when I'll want hot tea all the time. Unfortunately cold weather means...: / Less natural heat to keep me warm. Hoping to be skinny by then though. I /need/ to make this happen.
-
After spending an evening bitching me out, boyfriend finally confessed that he stole files off of my computer. Videos. My weight-loss video log. He claims he didn't watch them but it's the principle of the thing...he took my stuff without asking, my private intimate log : ( and he always gave me crap about it too. Always made me feel guilty for not trusting him when all along he had stolen my vids. : ( Idk how to feel about that, other than I can feel this relationship falling apart. I thought I could be with him for a long time but I'm very unhappy and this just isn't working out it seems. I can deal with it in the short term but long term I just don't know. But I know he's really in love with me... Just the other night he told me that he's never felt this way about anyone and he feels scared that I'm going to hurt him.
Well maybe I am : /
I don't know. But now I feel pressured. I wish we'd never said the 'L' word.
I guess you live and learn some days.
-
The other night I was thinking and I miss my ex-boyfriend. I know he wasn't good for me. He was emotionally abusive. He didn't care that stuff hurt my feelings. He made me feel like the bad guy all the time, even when I was just saying my feelings were hurt. He always wanted sex, all the time. I know it's just a male hormone thing but it's like... he started saying stuff about if I 'teased' him and didn't follow through he'd be angry. And at times he would get really really pissed. Made me feel like I owed it to him or something.
But I guess I'm in that breakup stage where I gloss over the bad stuff and remember the good, like how I always knew how he'd respond. I knew his favorites. I knew what gifts to get him. I knew that if I said a joke he'd laugh, and I could really be myself around him.
With Boyfriend, I feel sometimes like that's not possible. I never know how he'll respond. If I joke he can take offense to it and gets super serious. And once he's angry there's no getting out of it.
I guess I've only known him half a year but... Still. I wish we'd have been friends first. He's jealous and telling me I can't be friends with this guy because the guy might have had a crush on me at some point. Honestly, I know he just feels threatened because the other guy is extremely good looking, he's a bit older than me (only a couple years) and our personalities mesh quite well. There's no way I'd ever cheat on Boyfriend, but he doesn't see it. I would date the other boy in question if ever the time came where I wanted to and he wanted to and things wouldn't be awkward, but I would obviously not do so while I was involved. I just can't do that.
I don't even think about it.
Grr.
Wtf ever.
-
I flipped my shit last night. Haven't felt that way in a looong time. I just felt so angry, irrationally so. So hateful. Resentful. It was awful : ( I was so restless--I felt like I couldn't do anything to make the feeling go away. I felt hot. In despair. So depressed. Worthless. It came in waves.
So I decided that even though i'm not going back to group therapy right now, i'm going to the university counselor... : / idk how to talk to her about this though. so confusing.
i guess i've just never quite felt this depressed before.
awful.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
154
Back to lowest weight since diagnosed with BULLimia. 34 lb seems so far away, but I've already lost that much so I know I can do it again. BMI is 22.7.
Measurements:
Hips: 36.5 (Child-bearing hips...never be smaller than 33 I think. Sigh.)
Waist: 28
Bust: 34
Thighs: 22.4
Getting smaller. Slowly but surely. Loving it. Feeling it. Seeing it.
The only weird thing is that I can see my ribs fairly prominently and I'm not thin yet. But they do stick out. And I can start to see my hipbones now. I need to tone up in the abs area. : / Off to go nom a salad before I binge in my room.
Measurements:
Hips: 36.5 (Child-bearing hips...never be smaller than 33 I think. Sigh.)
Waist: 28
Bust: 34
Thighs: 22.4
Getting smaller. Slowly but surely. Loving it. Feeling it. Seeing it.
The only weird thing is that I can see my ribs fairly prominently and I'm not thin yet. But they do stick out. And I can start to see my hipbones now. I need to tone up in the abs area. : / Off to go nom a salad before I binge in my room.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
155
Hm. Confusion at this weight loss. But I won't complain. I'm doing homework and crunches intermittently. Gonna switch it up with lunges, a few walks down the stairs and back, and jogging in place for the day. Good way to keep the metab up and the boredom away I think. I have /so/ much work to do before Monday, and I'm sooo not looking forward to it. Egh. Oh well, I know it will get done...it's just all badly timed.
In other news my BMI is below 23 now. I'm at 22.9 according to nhlbisupport.com. Six more points seems so far away.
so I'm 155 which means I have 35 lb left to lose until I'm 120. Idk if I can make it before December at the rate I've been going. . . Unless I just really dedicate myself and don't fuck up but idk if that's going to happen. I really am just hoping to not go home until then and then when I'm back for Christmas break be really thin. That would be so nice...only I'd hate everyone commenting on it though : (
That'd be embarrassing. I can't wait to see my beautiful body, the one that's trapped under all this.
And ya know I can see girls that are bigger than me that must be 150, 160, 170...it's not that uncommon but I feel so huuuuge. It's awful : (
Oh well. I'm not going to be one of those. I'm going to be the one they envy, the one they despise, the one that they say OMG you're so tiny! Described as Oh, she's about 110, 120 lb. Omg 110...I can't even imagine. 45 lb thinner? Ugh I die of happiness. I'd be soooo tiny.
Gotta stop running so much and switch to walking...legs are bulking up from muscle
: (
not good. want them smaller. but it's good i have more muscle to burn more calories i guess. anyway i'm going to try and stay focused this week. My goals' to touch 150 on the scale by next saturday. Five lb isn't that much. Tiny goal is to be below 155 tomorrow.
In other news my BMI is below 23 now. I'm at 22.9 according to nhlbisupport.com. Six more points seems so far away.
so I'm 155 which means I have 35 lb left to lose until I'm 120. Idk if I can make it before December at the rate I've been going. . . Unless I just really dedicate myself and don't fuck up but idk if that's going to happen. I really am just hoping to not go home until then and then when I'm back for Christmas break be really thin. That would be so nice...only I'd hate everyone commenting on it though : (
That'd be embarrassing. I can't wait to see my beautiful body, the one that's trapped under all this.
And ya know I can see girls that are bigger than me that must be 150, 160, 170...it's not that uncommon but I feel so huuuuge. It's awful : (
Oh well. I'm not going to be one of those. I'm going to be the one they envy, the one they despise, the one that they say OMG you're so tiny! Described as Oh, she's about 110, 120 lb. Omg 110...I can't even imagine. 45 lb thinner? Ugh I die of happiness. I'd be soooo tiny.
Gotta stop running so much and switch to walking...legs are bulking up from muscle
: (
not good. want them smaller. but it's good i have more muscle to burn more calories i guess. anyway i'm going to try and stay focused this week. My goals' to touch 150 on the scale by next saturday. Five lb isn't that much. Tiny goal is to be below 155 tomorrow.
Friday, September 10, 2010
156-7?
Idk I must have been dehydrated cause it said 154 when I woke up this morning. Slowly but surely goddamnit.
I copied and pasted a giant majority of this journal for my boyfriend to read last night after he asked to see it. I think maybe it will help him to understand a little bit more about me. Hopefully.
Drinkin' some tea today--gonna think about doing some homework, then gonna hang out with my bestie tonight for a lil' while since she's on rounds. Gotta love it.
Not a lot to say today. My boyfriend packed up all his stuff and said he was going to leave. But then he didn't. I know that this ED is a lot to deal with and that it makes me cranky and that it puts a rift between us...I wish it didn't but it's the truth. After all that he just sat down and cried and told me he was scared for me.
I think I understand him a little better now.
I copied and pasted a giant majority of this journal for my boyfriend to read last night after he asked to see it. I think maybe it will help him to understand a little bit more about me. Hopefully.
Drinkin' some tea today--gonna think about doing some homework, then gonna hang out with my bestie tonight for a lil' while since she's on rounds. Gotta love it.
Not a lot to say today. My boyfriend packed up all his stuff and said he was going to leave. But then he didn't. I know that this ED is a lot to deal with and that it makes me cranky and that it puts a rift between us...I wish it didn't but it's the truth. After all that he just sat down and cried and told me he was scared for me.
I think I understand him a little better now.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
160
Been running every day, eating minimally, weight's not dropping.
Fuck my life.
Not to mention I purged today after dinner and my boyfriend totally caught me so we got into a fight, he's all mad.
But it's more that he's upset--he's afraid I'll die.
I understand...but I can't change it either. I'd much rather just starve myself but I get the compulsion. When I'm not terrified of food I binge and purge. I hate it. He doesn't understand.
Fuck my life.
Not to mention I purged today after dinner and my boyfriend totally caught me so we got into a fight, he's all mad.
But it's more that he's upset--he's afraid I'll die.
I understand...but I can't change it either. I'd much rather just starve myself but I get the compulsion. When I'm not terrified of food I binge and purge. I hate it. He doesn't understand.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Scale says 160
Probs at 158 in the am-ish.
Fml. I can't believe this. So much hard work and nothing. Looks like I'm going to have to actually eat stuff to keep my metab up : / Feck.
My fear of eating collides with my fear of being fat...
Bleh
Fml. I can't believe this. So much hard work and nothing. Looks like I'm going to have to actually eat stuff to keep my metab up : / Feck.
My fear of eating collides with my fear of being fat...
Bleh
156
Somehow after this awful weekend of no exercise and not great eating I /lost/ a pound.
?
Well whatever, I'm not going to complain. Hoping for two and a half miles at the gym today if I have time--ugh so hectic.
?
Well whatever, I'm not going to complain. Hoping for two and a half miles at the gym today if I have time--ugh so hectic.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
A Single Step
The divine irony is that I lead an enviable life. I have minimal possessions, minimal want for disposable income, minimal desire to purchase unnecessary things.
Of course I am human and so I have desires, but in the last few years I have removed the need for things and in place of it have found a need for life.
Experiences, not things, are what we need to live for. You'll lose nothing by not slaving away in university to be the best. What are you going to do? Get a degree that the rest of the world already has? You're not special--you're just like everyone else.
What will make you unique is the use of that degree. That piece of paper is the tool, the key that you will use to unlock doors everywhere--if you know how to look. There isn't a magical formula you can follow; you can't just go through the motions, get a degree, find a desk job, and live happy forever. If you have a grasp on reality and a keen eye for rationality, eventually you will be miserable, eventually you will find that you live an unfulfilled life.
The secret to turning this all around is simply to choose. Choose life. That's all you have to do.
It seems easy, but in truth it is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I could have gone to the best university in the Midwest, and even though I would have been in debt, I was so desperate for that fancy little piece of paper that said I was worth something. That showed that I worked hard.
Through a convoluted series of events I eventually landed at a small liberal arts school that I go to for free thanks to scholarships and financial aid. I have made the best friends I could ask for and have had so many unique experiences that are irreplaceable and most certainly priceless.
But it doesn't stop there. I'm not majoring in business or biology or nursing or something else that I would certainly hate and therefore make excellent money doing. I instead pursued writing, which is something of a skill that I've had my entire life. (Perhaps it doesn't show on this blog but then again, this exists for the sole purpose of berating myself so naturally my stream of consciousness isn't gramatically or politically correct ; ) )
I started out as an English Education major when I came to school because my whole life everyone told me I should "do something with art or writing." Naturally that meant I should get a steady job doing something vaguely satisfying that would require minimal work. I took on that major because I felt it was what I was "supposed to do." We all know that feeling. We're "supposed" to graduate high school, "supposed" to go to college, "supposed" to get a job, "supposed" to go to graduate school, get married, have children, get a promotion, buy a house, buy cars, grow old, retire, and spend the rest of our lives in a senile and sedentary state of bliss.
The idea of spending my waking hours at a nine-to-five for roughly the next forty five years and then fading away into a wrinkly, catbox-scented oblivion terrifies and astounds me. Why are we so complacent? Why are we so unbelievably satisfied to follow these social mores and achieve "The Steps"? Why do we want this mundane, day-to-day carousel to be the vehicle by which we achieve centegenarianism?
A century spent kissing ass to the man, buying his products and licking his boots?
Or one spent fulfilling your fantasies, using all your senses, and doing things you enjoy? Imagine actually finding your passion and fulfilling it!
I am choosing fulfillment. I let go of my measly ambition, let go of my absolutely desperate need for security, and allowed myself to embrace the mystery. It sounds romantic, and indeed it is. A romantic notion but a realistic possibility--and that possibility comes from nothing but choice. Pure, simple choice.
Many people misunderstand the idea of "letting go." It seems irresponsible, lazy even. A life without a job? Tomfoolery! Blasphemy! Impossibility!
But think for a moment. Reflect. How much of your life have you spent having your tasks delegated to you by someone else? Throughout childhood, many of our parents indoctrinated us using 'good parent' techniques like educational videos, lectures, and years of embarrassing sand-sitting during our pee-wee sporting events.
Most of their time was spent telling us what /not/ to do. Don't eat sweets before dinner. Don't jump on the bed. Don't talk to strangers.
Sometimes they told us what we ought to do. /Do/ stay in school. /Do/ get a job. /Do/ go to college. /Do/ get another job.
All of this, in order to ensure that their offspring "had it better" than they did. All of this in order to ensure a more perfect future, especially "in this economy". All of this in order to ensure that they didn't fail at parenting, and that they did produce something worthwhile.
Occasionally parents will attempt to instill curiosity in their children. They tell their kids to travel, to see the world, to find their passions.
And so the young adult ponders this idea. Passions? Something they likely hadn't pursued until their post-pubescent years. Up til now all they could think about was how they had to wear deodorant now, how to avoid being called on in class to go up to the board when they're sporting an ill-timed (and often unsubstantial) erection, which bra to wear, how to effectively use hair styling gel to increase their dateability ratio. After this sea of raging hormones has somewhat ebbed, and the sweat from their grimy little palms has dried, there is time to think (with a somewhat rational mind) about "the future".
It's too bad that most of us only speculate.
How many of you wanted to be a dinosaur when you grew up? A ballerina? An astronaut? Indiana Jones? Why aren't you doing those things?
Because they're impossible, of course.
Because when our parents, our teachers, our guidance counselors told us to reach for the stars, they meant climb a ladder and sit on the roof--not go to the moon.
Every year, we get older. Every year, the bar we're reaching for gets closer.
But is it because we're making progress? or are we just lowering the bar?
Are we minimizing our expectations in order to achieve a sense of maximum satisfaction?
We like to think we're the dreamers we were when we were four. Ten. Fifteen. Nineteen. Twenty two.
Unfortunately, those people are too-often buried in the schoolyard with our plastic-bottle time capsules and our long-forgotten playhouses.
Every so often these children do go on to finish school. Finish college. Find a job. Find a graduate school. Find a wife. Find another job. Find an affordable, family-friendly car with room for a carseat or two and enough space to store the after soccer practice snack-cooler.
They tell themselves "I'll travel when I'm a bit older." When I have more money. When I have more time. After I get this promotion. When I get my vacation time. When I'm retired. When I get out of the hospital. When I get my strength back.
And soon, they're wishing, holding the hands of their children, regretting the fact that they never got the chance to travel before they died.
Well I'm here to tell you that it's okay to eat your sweets before dinner. If there's something you want to do, don't wait until "after" something to do it. If you want to take a backpack trip through Europe, you'd better get moving because each day you don't is a day that you deny yourself your basic human right--the pursuit of happiness. Each day you don't is a day you sink deeper in the pit of bureaucratic life. Each day you don't is a day you get closer to finishing your life without fulfilling your goals.
We're told not to talk to people we don't know. Am I right? How many of us were warned about Stranger Danger!? Since we were born, our parents have been warning us about the horrific dangers of life outside the schoolyard. Every person on the street is a psychotic homicidal maniac with a penchant for touching little boys who is just waiting to kill the shit out of you at any given moment!
Well that my friends is bullshit. You're old enough now to judge a situation. We know now that not everyone is a stalker, not everyone is biding his time until you leave your backseat unlocked, and not everyone is saving up each month to buy a big white van with no windows in the back. Talk to strangers! If you don't, you'll never make friends. Of course I don't mean go into the shady parts of town and strike up a conversation with a seedy looking bum who's trying to sell you hats made out of roadkill for a gram of coke. But you need to network. Network, network, network. This involves talking to a hell of a lot of strangers (which can be scary); the result is that opportunities will start coming your way. Each new person you meet, each conversation you have, every time you give out a business card or take one home, you are building a new door in your hallway of life. Knowing people and effectively communicating is the simplest way to cushion yourself against the fall when you take The Plunge. You never know whose best friend is a business consultant in Paris who needs an intern ASAP, or if your hairdresser is married to the lawyer for an international aid campaign that needs help in South America. So go ahead. Schmooze the daylights out of people. Make friends. Put yourself out there--because then the opportunities to really live your life will come to you.
And as long as we're saying fuck it to everything our parents taught us, let's jump on the bed. Have fun. It's your life! Start enjoying it! If you can't jump as high as you want, get a different bed. Or try someone else's bed. Jump on your neighbor's bed. Go camping and jump on your sleeping bag. Find what works for you and have fun doing it!
I know, you're thinking DAMN RIGHT! ITS SO EASY.
Well. It's not, but it's possible.
We think that our dreams are out of reach, or are something to wait for. So we never try. Instead, we remain faithful sharecroppers in a cubicle farm, selling the fruits of our labor in the form of DTS reports and expense records. And for what? To make enough money to pay for our American dream? To live an average life in an average town, with an average family. 2.5 children and a dog named Spot, in a neighborhood where all the houses look the same.
I don't know about you but the thought of such a mundane life full of pointless work frightens me. So I'm taking the plunge. I'm saying 'no'. I'm choosing /not/ to live that life.
Instead I'm choosing to move forward. To reach for what I want. To sing, dance, yell, through life instead of letting it scream past me for eighty more years.
Smell the flowers, people. Feel the air around you. Notice the way things taste or smell. Really focus on textures. Let your mind enjoy the softness of a blanket or the warmth of the sun. Find beauty in daily life, and you will never be unhappy.
If there is something you want to do, take fifteen minutes right now and take a step in that direction. Have you always wanted to visit Africa? Get online and take a look at some programs that might let you do that. Learn about how much it would cost to spend six months in Spain. Create a fake budget for your dream trip to the West Coast. If it seems crazy, that means you're on the right path.
Which brings me to my next point: It's ok to dream big. I'll say it once more just to make sure. It is perfectly okay if you want to have big, audacious, near-impossible dreams. Most people don't dream enough, and that's how they get caught in their tiny little ant farm lifestyle. Sure, some people will think you're crazy, but those people are afraid to leave their comfort zone. There will inevitably be people who try to bring you down. Let them try. In most cases, they are so ingrained in the comfort of their daily, average lives that they cannot fathom the idea of not having "The Steps" to make their lives make sense. Be firm in your goals. Every day just take a tiny step toward them, and the journey won't seem so bad. It's like saving money--if you put a dollar in your savings account each day you wouldn't be troubled--a dollar seems insignificant--but those dollars add up over time. The same is true when we take those first feeble baby steps toward the edge. They add up to a distance over time--and it takes time to work up the courage to take the plunge.
And there it is, the scary climax. The Plunge. It sounds frightening; the thought of leaving behind the daily life that we were "supposed" to have goes against everything we were taught our entire lives. You will get scared. You will turn back. You will undo all of your precious work. Those first tentative baby steps will be washed away like footprints in the sand. You'll reach desperately for that safety net, that web of mundane daily life that seems so safe and familiar.
It's okay to trip. It's okay to fall. Just dust yourself off and get back on the track. It's not a race--you just have to finish. Let go of what you've been taught your entire life. Let go of the idea that you just have to be successful at your career, have to make money, have to have a family, have to retire. Of course we all have to die sometime, but this is the only life we get--you'd better start making it count.
Of course I am human and so I have desires, but in the last few years I have removed the need for things and in place of it have found a need for life.
Experiences, not things, are what we need to live for. You'll lose nothing by not slaving away in university to be the best. What are you going to do? Get a degree that the rest of the world already has? You're not special--you're just like everyone else.
What will make you unique is the use of that degree. That piece of paper is the tool, the key that you will use to unlock doors everywhere--if you know how to look. There isn't a magical formula you can follow; you can't just go through the motions, get a degree, find a desk job, and live happy forever. If you have a grasp on reality and a keen eye for rationality, eventually you will be miserable, eventually you will find that you live an unfulfilled life.
The secret to turning this all around is simply to choose. Choose life. That's all you have to do.
It seems easy, but in truth it is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I could have gone to the best university in the Midwest, and even though I would have been in debt, I was so desperate for that fancy little piece of paper that said I was worth something. That showed that I worked hard.
Through a convoluted series of events I eventually landed at a small liberal arts school that I go to for free thanks to scholarships and financial aid. I have made the best friends I could ask for and have had so many unique experiences that are irreplaceable and most certainly priceless.
But it doesn't stop there. I'm not majoring in business or biology or nursing or something else that I would certainly hate and therefore make excellent money doing. I instead pursued writing, which is something of a skill that I've had my entire life. (Perhaps it doesn't show on this blog but then again, this exists for the sole purpose of berating myself so naturally my stream of consciousness isn't gramatically or politically correct ; ) )
I started out as an English Education major when I came to school because my whole life everyone told me I should "do something with art or writing." Naturally that meant I should get a steady job doing something vaguely satisfying that would require minimal work. I took on that major because I felt it was what I was "supposed to do." We all know that feeling. We're "supposed" to graduate high school, "supposed" to go to college, "supposed" to get a job, "supposed" to go to graduate school, get married, have children, get a promotion, buy a house, buy cars, grow old, retire, and spend the rest of our lives in a senile and sedentary state of bliss.
The idea of spending my waking hours at a nine-to-five for roughly the next forty five years and then fading away into a wrinkly, catbox-scented oblivion terrifies and astounds me. Why are we so complacent? Why are we so unbelievably satisfied to follow these social mores and achieve "The Steps"? Why do we want this mundane, day-to-day carousel to be the vehicle by which we achieve centegenarianism?
A century spent kissing ass to the man, buying his products and licking his boots?
Or one spent fulfilling your fantasies, using all your senses, and doing things you enjoy? Imagine actually finding your passion and fulfilling it!
I am choosing fulfillment. I let go of my measly ambition, let go of my absolutely desperate need for security, and allowed myself to embrace the mystery. It sounds romantic, and indeed it is. A romantic notion but a realistic possibility--and that possibility comes from nothing but choice. Pure, simple choice.
Many people misunderstand the idea of "letting go." It seems irresponsible, lazy even. A life without a job? Tomfoolery! Blasphemy! Impossibility!
But think for a moment. Reflect. How much of your life have you spent having your tasks delegated to you by someone else? Throughout childhood, many of our parents indoctrinated us using 'good parent' techniques like educational videos, lectures, and years of embarrassing sand-sitting during our pee-wee sporting events.
Most of their time was spent telling us what /not/ to do. Don't eat sweets before dinner. Don't jump on the bed. Don't talk to strangers.
Sometimes they told us what we ought to do. /Do/ stay in school. /Do/ get a job. /Do/ go to college. /Do/ get another job.
All of this, in order to ensure that their offspring "had it better" than they did. All of this in order to ensure a more perfect future, especially "in this economy". All of this in order to ensure that they didn't fail at parenting, and that they did produce something worthwhile.
Occasionally parents will attempt to instill curiosity in their children. They tell their kids to travel, to see the world, to find their passions.
And so the young adult ponders this idea. Passions? Something they likely hadn't pursued until their post-pubescent years. Up til now all they could think about was how they had to wear deodorant now, how to avoid being called on in class to go up to the board when they're sporting an ill-timed (and often unsubstantial) erection, which bra to wear, how to effectively use hair styling gel to increase their dateability ratio. After this sea of raging hormones has somewhat ebbed, and the sweat from their grimy little palms has dried, there is time to think (with a somewhat rational mind) about "the future".
It's too bad that most of us only speculate.
How many of you wanted to be a dinosaur when you grew up? A ballerina? An astronaut? Indiana Jones? Why aren't you doing those things?
Because they're impossible, of course.
Because when our parents, our teachers, our guidance counselors told us to reach for the stars, they meant climb a ladder and sit on the roof--not go to the moon.
Every year, we get older. Every year, the bar we're reaching for gets closer.
But is it because we're making progress? or are we just lowering the bar?
Are we minimizing our expectations in order to achieve a sense of maximum satisfaction?
We like to think we're the dreamers we were when we were four. Ten. Fifteen. Nineteen. Twenty two.
Unfortunately, those people are too-often buried in the schoolyard with our plastic-bottle time capsules and our long-forgotten playhouses.
Every so often these children do go on to finish school. Finish college. Find a job. Find a graduate school. Find a wife. Find another job. Find an affordable, family-friendly car with room for a carseat or two and enough space to store the after soccer practice snack-cooler.
They tell themselves "I'll travel when I'm a bit older." When I have more money. When I have more time. After I get this promotion. When I get my vacation time. When I'm retired. When I get out of the hospital. When I get my strength back.
And soon, they're wishing, holding the hands of their children, regretting the fact that they never got the chance to travel before they died.
Well I'm here to tell you that it's okay to eat your sweets before dinner. If there's something you want to do, don't wait until "after" something to do it. If you want to take a backpack trip through Europe, you'd better get moving because each day you don't is a day that you deny yourself your basic human right--the pursuit of happiness. Each day you don't is a day you sink deeper in the pit of bureaucratic life. Each day you don't is a day you get closer to finishing your life without fulfilling your goals.
We're told not to talk to people we don't know. Am I right? How many of us were warned about Stranger Danger!? Since we were born, our parents have been warning us about the horrific dangers of life outside the schoolyard. Every person on the street is a psychotic homicidal maniac with a penchant for touching little boys who is just waiting to kill the shit out of you at any given moment!
Well that my friends is bullshit. You're old enough now to judge a situation. We know now that not everyone is a stalker, not everyone is biding his time until you leave your backseat unlocked, and not everyone is saving up each month to buy a big white van with no windows in the back. Talk to strangers! If you don't, you'll never make friends. Of course I don't mean go into the shady parts of town and strike up a conversation with a seedy looking bum who's trying to sell you hats made out of roadkill for a gram of coke. But you need to network. Network, network, network. This involves talking to a hell of a lot of strangers (which can be scary); the result is that opportunities will start coming your way. Each new person you meet, each conversation you have, every time you give out a business card or take one home, you are building a new door in your hallway of life. Knowing people and effectively communicating is the simplest way to cushion yourself against the fall when you take The Plunge. You never know whose best friend is a business consultant in Paris who needs an intern ASAP, or if your hairdresser is married to the lawyer for an international aid campaign that needs help in South America. So go ahead. Schmooze the daylights out of people. Make friends. Put yourself out there--because then the opportunities to really live your life will come to you.
And as long as we're saying fuck it to everything our parents taught us, let's jump on the bed. Have fun. It's your life! Start enjoying it! If you can't jump as high as you want, get a different bed. Or try someone else's bed. Jump on your neighbor's bed. Go camping and jump on your sleeping bag. Find what works for you and have fun doing it!
I know, you're thinking DAMN RIGHT! ITS SO EASY.
Well. It's not, but it's possible.
We think that our dreams are out of reach, or are something to wait for. So we never try. Instead, we remain faithful sharecroppers in a cubicle farm, selling the fruits of our labor in the form of DTS reports and expense records. And for what? To make enough money to pay for our American dream? To live an average life in an average town, with an average family. 2.5 children and a dog named Spot, in a neighborhood where all the houses look the same.
I don't know about you but the thought of such a mundane life full of pointless work frightens me. So I'm taking the plunge. I'm saying 'no'. I'm choosing /not/ to live that life.
Instead I'm choosing to move forward. To reach for what I want. To sing, dance, yell, through life instead of letting it scream past me for eighty more years.
Smell the flowers, people. Feel the air around you. Notice the way things taste or smell. Really focus on textures. Let your mind enjoy the softness of a blanket or the warmth of the sun. Find beauty in daily life, and you will never be unhappy.
If there is something you want to do, take fifteen minutes right now and take a step in that direction. Have you always wanted to visit Africa? Get online and take a look at some programs that might let you do that. Learn about how much it would cost to spend six months in Spain. Create a fake budget for your dream trip to the West Coast. If it seems crazy, that means you're on the right path.
Which brings me to my next point: It's ok to dream big. I'll say it once more just to make sure. It is perfectly okay if you want to have big, audacious, near-impossible dreams. Most people don't dream enough, and that's how they get caught in their tiny little ant farm lifestyle. Sure, some people will think you're crazy, but those people are afraid to leave their comfort zone. There will inevitably be people who try to bring you down. Let them try. In most cases, they are so ingrained in the comfort of their daily, average lives that they cannot fathom the idea of not having "The Steps" to make their lives make sense. Be firm in your goals. Every day just take a tiny step toward them, and the journey won't seem so bad. It's like saving money--if you put a dollar in your savings account each day you wouldn't be troubled--a dollar seems insignificant--but those dollars add up over time. The same is true when we take those first feeble baby steps toward the edge. They add up to a distance over time--and it takes time to work up the courage to take the plunge.
And there it is, the scary climax. The Plunge. It sounds frightening; the thought of leaving behind the daily life that we were "supposed" to have goes against everything we were taught our entire lives. You will get scared. You will turn back. You will undo all of your precious work. Those first tentative baby steps will be washed away like footprints in the sand. You'll reach desperately for that safety net, that web of mundane daily life that seems so safe and familiar.
It's okay to trip. It's okay to fall. Just dust yourself off and get back on the track. It's not a race--you just have to finish. Let go of what you've been taught your entire life. Let go of the idea that you just have to be successful at your career, have to make money, have to have a family, have to retire. Of course we all have to die sometime, but this is the only life we get--you'd better start making it count.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
100 Posts
I feel that after 100 of something there ought to be a celebration.
Yet as I sit here at work drinking diet soda with an empty pit for a stomach I can't find anything worth celebrating. It gets worse. And worse.
This weekend I let myself eat. And my 'let myself' I mean I ate one 'normal' meal a day for two days in a row. : / I feel like it's a start. But tomorrow is Monday and that means back to the daily grind. I haven't gained everything back so I'm happy but still fearful. Can't wait to get below 155 consistently.
My plan is to get in the gym. Recently I've been feeling the compulsion to go to the gym every day but I've been trying to ignore it. But it's chewing at me and I think tomorrow's the day I give in. I'd have gone today but I ended up spending the day with a new friend and then did work all night : ( Tomorrow morning and tomorrow night I'll go to the gym... Maybe Boyfriend will want to work out together! How fun would that be? He's wayyyy stronger but I can run wayyyy further. Maybe I'll ask him tomorrow. Meanwhile I ingested less than a thousand calories today but I wish it was less than 500. I'm sure it isn't though. I'm not going to post a food diary today because it's embarrassing, but just know that tomorrow I'm strictly back on the baby food plan.
Tomorrow -
3 Pots Baby Food 250 cal
2 Hours at Gym -600 cal?
1 Snack 50 cal
Tomorrow we're lookin at a deficit, hopefully. I'll feel much less stressed out once I get back on track : /
--
Ya know, I try to talk to Boyfriend about it and he's really supportive of trying to help me but he doesn't get how embarrassing and shameful it is. : / I HATE this ED but I feel so helpless within it, and I don't think he understands. Even though I look ok outside, even though I might laugh and joke, inside I'm constantly starving or crying or both. It's sick, a sick game, and I hate it but sometimes he doesn't understand that I have to pretend.
He hates when I lie to him about purging or whatever but I know that if I told him the truth all the time his heart would break. : ( And I would be even more ashamed than I already am, if that's possible.
Yet as I sit here at work drinking diet soda with an empty pit for a stomach I can't find anything worth celebrating. It gets worse. And worse.
This weekend I let myself eat. And my 'let myself' I mean I ate one 'normal' meal a day for two days in a row. : / I feel like it's a start. But tomorrow is Monday and that means back to the daily grind. I haven't gained everything back so I'm happy but still fearful. Can't wait to get below 155 consistently.
My plan is to get in the gym. Recently I've been feeling the compulsion to go to the gym every day but I've been trying to ignore it. But it's chewing at me and I think tomorrow's the day I give in. I'd have gone today but I ended up spending the day with a new friend and then did work all night : ( Tomorrow morning and tomorrow night I'll go to the gym... Maybe Boyfriend will want to work out together! How fun would that be? He's wayyyy stronger but I can run wayyyy further. Maybe I'll ask him tomorrow. Meanwhile I ingested less than a thousand calories today but I wish it was less than 500. I'm sure it isn't though. I'm not going to post a food diary today because it's embarrassing, but just know that tomorrow I'm strictly back on the baby food plan.
Tomorrow -
3 Pots Baby Food 250 cal
2 Hours at Gym -600 cal?
1 Snack 50 cal
Tomorrow we're lookin at a deficit, hopefully. I'll feel much less stressed out once I get back on track : /
--
Ya know, I try to talk to Boyfriend about it and he's really supportive of trying to help me but he doesn't get how embarrassing and shameful it is. : / I HATE this ED but I feel so helpless within it, and I don't think he understands. Even though I look ok outside, even though I might laugh and joke, inside I'm constantly starving or crying or both. It's sick, a sick game, and I hate it but sometimes he doesn't understand that I have to pretend.
He hates when I lie to him about purging or whatever but I know that if I told him the truth all the time his heart would break. : ( And I would be even more ashamed than I already am, if that's possible.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
157
Well this post was going to be chipper and happy 'cause all i had were two low-cal fiber bars and water today but I just went to dinner with my friends (cause I miss the socialization) and it's getting harder not to eat there cause everyone else is. i had some quinoa salad thing (which is good), some uncooked spinach (good) most of a bowl of cereal (awful) and a cookie (awful-er).
In total today:
B: Fiber One Bar (90)
L: Blueberry Special K Bar (90)
S: Coke Zero
D: Cereal (300?), Spinach (20), Quinoa (150?), Cookie (140?)
Total: 790
I purged again today after dinner--it was a scary compulsion. now my tummy is sore
: (
I hate this. Even though I purged at least half of my dinner I'm counting it all to remind myself of what a failure I am.
UGH. SUCH a high calorie dinner after such a good day. No more caf. Unless I eat before I go. I'm done-zo with that shit. I'll miss the socializing but fuck. And I can't even go to the gym or antyhing because it's raining and Boyfriend is here and frankly I just don't have the energy : /
Tomorrow's a new day I guess.
In total today:
B: Fiber One Bar (90)
L: Blueberry Special K Bar (90)
S: Coke Zero
D: Cereal (300?), Spinach (20), Quinoa (150?), Cookie (140?)
Total: 790
I purged again today after dinner--it was a scary compulsion. now my tummy is sore
: (
I hate this. Even though I purged at least half of my dinner I'm counting it all to remind myself of what a failure I am.
UGH. SUCH a high calorie dinner after such a good day. No more caf. Unless I eat before I go. I'm done-zo with that shit. I'll miss the socializing but fuck. And I can't even go to the gym or antyhing because it's raining and Boyfriend is here and frankly I just don't have the energy : /
Tomorrow's a new day I guess.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Sick
So I've just got back from "dinner" at the caf--friends noticed I've been ducking invites so I thought it best to go along. Luckily everyone agreed it was shite so I didn't have to worry too much. I got a salad. Had some cucumber. Picked at my salad. Had some chicken on top of the salad. Picked at that. Spooned myself a bowl of lo-cal soup. Picked. Threw all the chicken into the soup, along with the fat free dressing and some olives from my salad so I wouldn't be tempted to finish it. Had a couple of bites of cheese. A cookie and a half.
Sat like a zombie, petrified, lacking. Staring, fingers digging into the flesh of my arm, right hand poised with a fork defensively in front of my mouth, lest anything try to get in there.
I had maybe ten bites of food plus the cookie.
Walked home. My brain was blank. I literally barely remember even making the trek home.
Walked past my bathroom and my stomach moved. Or something.
I looked at the toilet and something in me just caved and I calmly set down my things and organized them, flipped off the lights to my room, rolled up my sweatshirt sleeves, and shoved my fingers repeatedly down my throat, tickling it just right until I heaved enough that I emptied myself of what little I consumed. Washed my hands, wiped my eyes, and did it again.
Stood back up, rinsed my mouth out, stared at my puffy, pink face in the mirror.
Shame.
Scrubbed my hands.
Gathered my things.
I'm at work.
And nobody knows the hell I'm in. How? How is it that nobody can see this demon on my back? Isn't it glaringly obvious? I hate it.
I can feel myself losing. Try as I might to convince myself I don't really have an ED, I'm just on a crash diet, just getting thinner...I know it isn't true.
I just want one day of normalcy.
Sat like a zombie, petrified, lacking. Staring, fingers digging into the flesh of my arm, right hand poised with a fork defensively in front of my mouth, lest anything try to get in there.
I had maybe ten bites of food plus the cookie.
Walked home. My brain was blank. I literally barely remember even making the trek home.
Walked past my bathroom and my stomach moved. Or something.
I looked at the toilet and something in me just caved and I calmly set down my things and organized them, flipped off the lights to my room, rolled up my sweatshirt sleeves, and shoved my fingers repeatedly down my throat, tickling it just right until I heaved enough that I emptied myself of what little I consumed. Washed my hands, wiped my eyes, and did it again.
Stood back up, rinsed my mouth out, stared at my puffy, pink face in the mirror.
Shame.
Scrubbed my hands.
Gathered my things.
I'm at work.
And nobody knows the hell I'm in. How? How is it that nobody can see this demon on my back? Isn't it glaringly obvious? I hate it.
I can feel myself losing. Try as I might to convince myself I don't really have an ED, I'm just on a crash diet, just getting thinner...I know it isn't true.
I just want one day of normalcy.
157?
Ate a couple bites of cucumber and a fiber one bar today. 100 calories? I don't know and I don't care. I am hungry but I don't have any cravings for anything. I cried last night. I don't know what happened. I just broke down. I read stories of girls who got out of their eating disorders and it just made me feel even more hopeless. But boyfriend was there for me and he held me and let me cry and i was covered in snot and I felt a lot better today. I think finally admitting the helplessness that I feel to someone helped me in some way. Now if only I could fix that. : /
I'm just so apathetic right now.
So weak.
Nothing inside me.
So many stairs, so many classes.
It's hard.
I'm just so apathetic right now.
So weak.
Nothing inside me.
So many stairs, so many classes.
It's hard.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
158
Phew. I finally am feeling back in control of my life. Jebus. It was gettin a little dicey for awhile but I'm feeling better. I just have to get this newspaper assignment done and then I'll be home free. I have forty dollars for two weeks to sustain me--that's enough for as much baby food as I'll need plus whatever I have in flex works too.
Throwing the boyfriend off my trail by behaving well but last night I couldn't hide it when we went out for dinner. I just sat there staring at the menu full of things I couldn't eat and knew I wouldn't eat and I almost cried. He totally saw and he ordered me a house salad no dressing. I love him.
I didn't eat it all though because I had already had 390 calories for the day (yikes).
I should have though because then when he went to go get his books I had a mini-binge on salad. I got a greens salad with buffalo chicken on it with my meal plan and I chowed down the chicken like nobody's business. I managed to stop and didn't purge so that was good and I've been fine today so I'm not gonna be too down about it.
B: Apple Vanilla Mixed Grain Baby Food (80)
L: Water
D: Mango Smoothie Baby Food (60) with flaxseed (50) Some lettuce with a bit of dressing on from last night (40?)
Planned Snack: Special K Bar (90)
Total : 320
--edit--
Well idk what just happened but I had a jar of Nutella and I had like three spoonfuls of it so that's about 300 calories right there. Just fucking ruined my good day and now I feel like shit and I have no energy to just burn it off. Fuck. I threw that shit out though so I think I'm better. Glad I'm at least able to catch myself before I binge. Oy.
F: Nutella (250)
Total: 570
FUCK why do I do this. And then I sat there and had a fucking pre-binge panic attack for twenty minutes until Boyfriend got there--not that he knew about it but still. At least he understands--kinda. He said he'd rather have me not eat than puke. And of course in my brain that came out as "i'd rather have you skinny than average" but I know he just wants me to stop hurting myself.
You know and I read this stupid blog to myself sometimes and I think about how crazy I sound and yet my thoughts are still the same. I just want it to go away. I keep tricking myself into thinking that when I'm thin I'll be better but I know it's not true and that's just my ed talking but it's soooo enticing.
I just hate thinking about the lengths of time in between periods that I can eat. Like right now I'm not that hungry but I'm /craving/ something and idk what. Probably just want to chew something. I need to get some more gum and have it after my baby food 'meals' so I feel like I had something more. Fuck. I was doing so welllllll.
Arg. I guess it's not the end of the world--I still have a thousand calorie deficit or so. Tonight I'mma go to the sports center after work I think...if I have the time. Maybe I'll go to the one in the apartments instead. More private, esp. at that time of night.
If not I'm definitely going to work out in my room because I can't fucking stand this lipid cocoon I'm trapped in.
Throwing the boyfriend off my trail by behaving well but last night I couldn't hide it when we went out for dinner. I just sat there staring at the menu full of things I couldn't eat and knew I wouldn't eat and I almost cried. He totally saw and he ordered me a house salad no dressing. I love him.
I didn't eat it all though because I had already had 390 calories for the day (yikes).
I should have though because then when he went to go get his books I had a mini-binge on salad. I got a greens salad with buffalo chicken on it with my meal plan and I chowed down the chicken like nobody's business. I managed to stop and didn't purge so that was good and I've been fine today so I'm not gonna be too down about it.
B: Apple Vanilla Mixed Grain Baby Food (80)
L: Water
D: Mango Smoothie Baby Food (60) with flaxseed (50) Some lettuce with a bit of dressing on from last night (40?)
Planned Snack: Special K Bar (90)
Total : 320
--edit--
Well idk what just happened but I had a jar of Nutella and I had like three spoonfuls of it so that's about 300 calories right there. Just fucking ruined my good day and now I feel like shit and I have no energy to just burn it off. Fuck. I threw that shit out though so I think I'm better. Glad I'm at least able to catch myself before I binge. Oy.
F: Nutella (250)
Total: 570
FUCK why do I do this. And then I sat there and had a fucking pre-binge panic attack for twenty minutes until Boyfriend got there--not that he knew about it but still. At least he understands--kinda. He said he'd rather have me not eat than puke. And of course in my brain that came out as "i'd rather have you skinny than average" but I know he just wants me to stop hurting myself.
You know and I read this stupid blog to myself sometimes and I think about how crazy I sound and yet my thoughts are still the same. I just want it to go away. I keep tricking myself into thinking that when I'm thin I'll be better but I know it's not true and that's just my ed talking but it's soooo enticing.
I just hate thinking about the lengths of time in between periods that I can eat. Like right now I'm not that hungry but I'm /craving/ something and idk what. Probably just want to chew something. I need to get some more gum and have it after my baby food 'meals' so I feel like I had something more. Fuck. I was doing so welllllll.
Arg. I guess it's not the end of the world--I still have a thousand calorie deficit or so. Tonight I'mma go to the sports center after work I think...if I have the time. Maybe I'll go to the one in the apartments instead. More private, esp. at that time of night.
If not I'm definitely going to work out in my room because I can't fucking stand this lipid cocoon I'm trapped in.
Monday, August 30, 2010
158.5?
Was at 158 last night, now at 159, so I'm going to assume that has to do with my water intake for today. Not to mention the almighty monthly gift that won't let me get rid of all this water weight. UGH.
Had a friend's birthday dinner last night and nearly had a panic attack at the table. Not even one healthy option on the goddamn menu. Got a diet pepsi and the california salad without candied pecans (CANDIED NUTS ON A SALAD OMFG KILL ME) and bleu cheese. And with minimal dressing. It was good but the worst part is that I ate two small dinner rolls without even thinking about it. I was like a robot--my friend just handed it to me and told me to eat it so I did. Other than that I did great all day; the baby food diet is wonderful. I get to eat tiny pre-portioned meals that consist of only wholesome ingredients in their pure form. Nomnomnom. And these actually taste decent. I'm kind of leery to try any of the cheese or meat ones though--maybe when I'm feeling more adventurous.
Today:
B: Salad and a couple bites of chicken salad sandwich (120?)
L: Fiber One Bar (90)
S: Yoohoo Box (100)
D: Mango Baby food with flax (80)
Total: 390 (Gr.)
Gonna try and avoid dinner tonight with B but I'm sure he'll at least make me share. : ( Might have one more baby food tonight, fifty calories or so if he doesn't make me eat.
I'm doing a lot better with purging--I haven't purged through vomiting in about a week. Doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. Yesterday after salad I went into the bathroom and tried but I guess I didn't eat enough 'cause nothing would come up. I was in a foul mood all night after that : ( Sigh.
Sadly, in place of purging I've just been getting more and more afraid of food. For example just now I counted up my calories and looked at my apple on my desk and thought "yeah, i could have that later." and immediately flipped cause that would put me over four hundred. Apparently my basal metabolic rate is 1572.6, according to bmi-calculator.net. So theoretically if I only stayed in bed all day and ate what I ate I'd still be at a deficit of 1182.6 calories for the day. I've been mildly active and I take the stairs all the time so I think I'm doing okay. Hopefully two or three pounds gone by this week.
I haven't been exercising because I haven't had the energy or motivation : / Idk what's wrong with me. I loved running over the summer and now that I'm back it's like I have absolutely no desire. I'm sure once all the stress of the first couple weeks is done it'll be better but still, I'm not liking it. Want to get rid of this nastiness. Ugh.
---Non ED News--
Boyfriend apologized and we had a really good couple of days. It got a bit dicey at one point but it's worked out for the best. He got really really really drunk and ended up staying over, needing me to take care of him. Sigh. : / I don't mind; it's a labor of love, but still, I'd rather have just gone to sleep! Haha.
He wants to go to dinner tonight--honestly I don't know why he always is asking me to dinner; he must just think that I'll eat with him. Or he doesn't know what else to do on a date. Sigh.
In a bit of a money rough patch atm. I have 59 dollars to get me by for about three weeks until I get my first paycheck from the newspaper and from my other job. I hate the first few weeks in a new place--it isn't quite home yet and everything's just so darn inconvenient!! Oh well, soon enough it will be sorted out and then I can go about my way. I just need to make sure I'm staying on top of school work : / Gotta get that article for the paper done--that's number one!
Had a friend's birthday dinner last night and nearly had a panic attack at the table. Not even one healthy option on the goddamn menu. Got a diet pepsi and the california salad without candied pecans (CANDIED NUTS ON A SALAD OMFG KILL ME) and bleu cheese. And with minimal dressing. It was good but the worst part is that I ate two small dinner rolls without even thinking about it. I was like a robot--my friend just handed it to me and told me to eat it so I did. Other than that I did great all day; the baby food diet is wonderful. I get to eat tiny pre-portioned meals that consist of only wholesome ingredients in their pure form. Nomnomnom. And these actually taste decent. I'm kind of leery to try any of the cheese or meat ones though--maybe when I'm feeling more adventurous.
Today:
B: Salad and a couple bites of chicken salad sandwich (120?)
L: Fiber One Bar (90)
S: Yoohoo Box (100)
D: Mango Baby food with flax (80)
Total: 390 (Gr.)
Gonna try and avoid dinner tonight with B but I'm sure he'll at least make me share. : ( Might have one more baby food tonight, fifty calories or so if he doesn't make me eat.
I'm doing a lot better with purging--I haven't purged through vomiting in about a week. Doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. Yesterday after salad I went into the bathroom and tried but I guess I didn't eat enough 'cause nothing would come up. I was in a foul mood all night after that : ( Sigh.
Sadly, in place of purging I've just been getting more and more afraid of food. For example just now I counted up my calories and looked at my apple on my desk and thought "yeah, i could have that later." and immediately flipped cause that would put me over four hundred. Apparently my basal metabolic rate is 1572.6, according to bmi-calculator.net. So theoretically if I only stayed in bed all day and ate what I ate I'd still be at a deficit of 1182.6 calories for the day. I've been mildly active and I take the stairs all the time so I think I'm doing okay. Hopefully two or three pounds gone by this week.
I haven't been exercising because I haven't had the energy or motivation : / Idk what's wrong with me. I loved running over the summer and now that I'm back it's like I have absolutely no desire. I'm sure once all the stress of the first couple weeks is done it'll be better but still, I'm not liking it. Want to get rid of this nastiness. Ugh.
---Non ED News--
Boyfriend apologized and we had a really good couple of days. It got a bit dicey at one point but it's worked out for the best. He got really really really drunk and ended up staying over, needing me to take care of him. Sigh. : / I don't mind; it's a labor of love, but still, I'd rather have just gone to sleep! Haha.
He wants to go to dinner tonight--honestly I don't know why he always is asking me to dinner; he must just think that I'll eat with him. Or he doesn't know what else to do on a date. Sigh.
In a bit of a money rough patch atm. I have 59 dollars to get me by for about three weeks until I get my first paycheck from the newspaper and from my other job. I hate the first few weeks in a new place--it isn't quite home yet and everything's just so darn inconvenient!! Oh well, soon enough it will be sorted out and then I can go about my way. I just need to make sure I'm staying on top of school work : / Gotta get that article for the paper done--that's number one!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
159
My weight is still high but my body is changing.
Thank goodness. I measured today, and I'm smaller. I've also started having baby food as my meals. For example, for breakfast I'll have maybe a banana or some fruit or something, then for lunch I'll have a small pot of some sort of baby food. The pots are 50-100 calories so I can have one or two without freaking out. The fruit ones taste really good, haven't tried veggie ones, but I hear they are bland. It's a great way to keep my calories under control while still getting the vitamins and stuff I need and this way I feel less guilty and full after I eat. Plus, if for some reason I feel like I have to purge, baby food is super super soft and blended so it won't hurt me too bad. There aren't preservatives, additives, hormones, or antibiotics in organic baby food and it's only 1.00 for a pack with two pots in it. The jars are even cheaper at about .34-.65 depending on the type.
Just to mix it up I supplemented this dinner with some rice cakes, took a small bite of the peach-mango baby food then a bite of mini rice-cake, and so forth. And of course tons of water.
I'd feel perfect except this morning I had to eat cos we popped over to my buddy travis' apartment so I didn't really have a choice. Luckily I just picked at some pizza topping since they were all having waffles with syrup and butter and eggs. -dies-
Guess I'll start up with an intake journal again, just to make me feel guilty! Haha.
B: Toppings off of some pizza (better than a waffle -gag-) idk, - 230?
L: Banana - 90
S: 1/2 Banana - 45
D: 1 Pot peach mango baby food and mini rice cakes - 120
Total: 485 (Death)
Tomorrow's goal: 300-400
--
Non-ED News:
Well the boy and I had our first legitimately good day today, all day. Cheerful, loving, cuddling, hugging, good times. Hopefully tonight will go smoothly; I hope I didn't just curse myself.
Sigh.
Thank goodness. I measured today, and I'm smaller. I've also started having baby food as my meals. For example, for breakfast I'll have maybe a banana or some fruit or something, then for lunch I'll have a small pot of some sort of baby food. The pots are 50-100 calories so I can have one or two without freaking out. The fruit ones taste really good, haven't tried veggie ones, but I hear they are bland. It's a great way to keep my calories under control while still getting the vitamins and stuff I need and this way I feel less guilty and full after I eat. Plus, if for some reason I feel like I have to purge, baby food is super super soft and blended so it won't hurt me too bad. There aren't preservatives, additives, hormones, or antibiotics in organic baby food and it's only 1.00 for a pack with two pots in it. The jars are even cheaper at about .34-.65 depending on the type.
Just to mix it up I supplemented this dinner with some rice cakes, took a small bite of the peach-mango baby food then a bite of mini rice-cake, and so forth. And of course tons of water.
I'd feel perfect except this morning I had to eat cos we popped over to my buddy travis' apartment so I didn't really have a choice. Luckily I just picked at some pizza topping since they were all having waffles with syrup and butter and eggs. -dies-
Guess I'll start up with an intake journal again, just to make me feel guilty! Haha.
B: Toppings off of some pizza (better than a waffle -gag-) idk, - 230?
L: Banana - 90
S: 1/2 Banana - 45
D: 1 Pot peach mango baby food and mini rice cakes - 120
Total: 485 (Death)
Tomorrow's goal: 300-400
--
Non-ED News:
Well the boy and I had our first legitimately good day today, all day. Cheerful, loving, cuddling, hugging, good times. Hopefully tonight will go smoothly; I hope I didn't just curse myself.
Sigh.
Friday, August 27, 2010
159 Feeling Better
Not at my lowest weight but underneath 160 for a few days. Retaining water like a motherfucker. Ugh I hate getting my period. It's just there, lurking, in the distance. Gah. I hate feeling all poufy.
Anyway as you might have read, I had a mini-break down the other day after being essentially forced to come to lunch at this really awful on-campus restaurant. Even the salads are awful. My friend was suspicious so I got this sandwich thing but I didn't know how to eat it. I have lost all sense of what is a normal portion. I eat MY 'normal' portion but it looks like too little compared to what she ate and then she looks at me weird. So then I eat more but I don't know when to stop. And then even if I'm full I finish mine if she does just so I don't look weird even though i know it's perfectly ok to not finish.
UGH.
I panicked so much, I threw up til it hurt, and then I lied to everyone about it.
Oh and then I took six laxative pills and went to bed. Fuck me.
Then the boyfriend comes over, I think we're having a nice cuddly night because the other day we had a discussion where I mentioned that I think we don't spend enough quality time together because we're ever only having sex. Not that I mind sex, it's just I feel like he's using me for it sometimes even if that's not the case. So I figured we'd go a few days without. Well he got cranky (after less than 24 hours) and he keeps asking me for it; idk if I should be so annoyed. I know he's just a hormonal male but it still bothered me. So this morning when he asked me i just picked up his shirt and trousers and tossed them on him and told him "Good thing I don't have to swipe my keycard to let you out. You know where the door is."
He lurked around for a bit but finally left. I don't want to be a frosty bitch or anything but really. A little respect! Come /on/.
Anyway as you might have read, I had a mini-break down the other day after being essentially forced to come to lunch at this really awful on-campus restaurant. Even the salads are awful. My friend was suspicious so I got this sandwich thing but I didn't know how to eat it. I have lost all sense of what is a normal portion. I eat MY 'normal' portion but it looks like too little compared to what she ate and then she looks at me weird. So then I eat more but I don't know when to stop. And then even if I'm full I finish mine if she does just so I don't look weird even though i know it's perfectly ok to not finish.
UGH.
I panicked so much, I threw up til it hurt, and then I lied to everyone about it.
Oh and then I took six laxative pills and went to bed. Fuck me.
Then the boyfriend comes over, I think we're having a nice cuddly night because the other day we had a discussion where I mentioned that I think we don't spend enough quality time together because we're ever only having sex. Not that I mind sex, it's just I feel like he's using me for it sometimes even if that's not the case. So I figured we'd go a few days without. Well he got cranky (after less than 24 hours) and he keeps asking me for it; idk if I should be so annoyed. I know he's just a hormonal male but it still bothered me. So this morning when he asked me i just picked up his shirt and trousers and tossed them on him and told him "Good thing I don't have to swipe my keycard to let you out. You know where the door is."
He lurked around for a bit but finally left. I don't want to be a frosty bitch or anything but really. A little respect! Come /on/.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
THATS IT
Fuck. I cannot take this anymore. Fuck mealtimes, fuck impressing my friends, fuck lying to everyone. I'm just not doing it. I'm not going to eat at meals if I don't want to. I'm not going to go if I don't want to. If I want to lock myself in a room and starve for a week that's what I'm going to do.
FUCK.
Screw being healthy, screw you and your attitude, screw your bitchy comments, screw your unforgiving eye, screw your fucking fake pity and concern.
I don't need it.
I'm going into overdrive. That's it. I can't stand this fat anymore. It needs to go. I need to get rid of it, and to be clean. I literally am going insane just from looking at myself. I hate it. I can't stand it.
I hate touching it, feeling it, seeing it on my bones, seeing even the slightest jiggle. I can't--won't--take it anymore. No more caving to pressure from friends, no more food situations, no more skipping class to secretly binge/purge, no more.
I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care how dizzy I feel. I don't care. I just know this needs to be gone.
I don't want to get better.
FUCK.
Screw being healthy, screw you and your attitude, screw your bitchy comments, screw your unforgiving eye, screw your fucking fake pity and concern.
I don't need it.
I'm going into overdrive. That's it. I can't stand this fat anymore. It needs to go. I need to get rid of it, and to be clean. I literally am going insane just from looking at myself. I hate it. I can't stand it.
I hate touching it, feeling it, seeing it on my bones, seeing even the slightest jiggle. I can't--won't--take it anymore. No more caving to pressure from friends, no more food situations, no more skipping class to secretly binge/purge, no more.
I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care how dizzy I feel. I don't care. I just know this needs to be gone.
I don't want to get better.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
161
No change from yesterday, probs cause I had a nasty dinner. Ew. Mkay tonight I'm shaving my legs--that's how serious I am about working out more! Haha. I know I won't go above and beyond if I'm all hot in pants or something so here it goes. Runnin' time.
http://freethinker.co.uk/2009/11/19/row-erupts-over-humanist-poster-in-belfast/
This makes me so angry. Why is it that when some Jesus freak tells me that I need to be a Christian it's fine, but if I go round saying "No worries, there's no god, just try to be good and enjoy life." they flip their shit?
Arg.
Still no sign of my roommate--thank goodness. But this room is awfully empty...and quiet. Guess I won't have problems exercising here or weighing myself. And! I have my own bathroom suite so B/P sessions won't be on public display.
Anyway that's all for now. Hopefully my weight is down by tomorrow.
http://freethinker.co.uk/2009/11/19/row-erupts-over-humanist-poster-in-belfast/
This makes me so angry. Why is it that when some Jesus freak tells me that I need to be a Christian it's fine, but if I go round saying "No worries, there's no god, just try to be good and enjoy life." they flip their shit?
Arg.
Still no sign of my roommate--thank goodness. But this room is awfully empty...and quiet. Guess I won't have problems exercising here or weighing myself. And! I have my own bathroom suite so B/P sessions won't be on public display.
Anyway that's all for now. Hopefully my weight is down by tomorrow.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
161
Welllll I'm all moved in to school and my dormitory is all set up. My room's nice, kinda big and empty without my roommate though. Had a binge today, triggered by my friends--grr. But that's ok, tomorrow's a new day, and I'm going to work hard.
It's really awkward because people keep saying OMG YOU LOST WEIGHT YOU LOOK GREAT etc. I'm like well I'm fucked up so I guess that's the trade-off. I'm not even thin yet. Which means I must have been a FUCKING LARD-ASS before. Gah.
That's ok I'm going to show them just how good I can look.
--
Boyfriend is driving me crazy. He wants to see me like every second of every day. Arg. He lies about everything, just small things. I know he's making shit up but it's like why do you have to do that? I like you the way you are, stop trying so hard. Augh.
ANYWAY
He's just being super clingy since we've got back to school and he blames it on the knowledge that he won't be able to see me a lot during the school year cause he'll be so busy, which is fine. I don't mind long distance relationships, even if they're on the same campus. I'm independent and I like my privacy--he doesn't get that. Plus he doesn't trust me at all even though I've never done anything to betray him : / Augh whaaatever. It's lax time -- getting rid of all the bad in my life one day at a time.
It's really awkward because people keep saying OMG YOU LOST WEIGHT YOU LOOK GREAT etc. I'm like well I'm fucked up so I guess that's the trade-off. I'm not even thin yet. Which means I must have been a FUCKING LARD-ASS before. Gah.
That's ok I'm going to show them just how good I can look.
--
Boyfriend is driving me crazy. He wants to see me like every second of every day. Arg. He lies about everything, just small things. I know he's making shit up but it's like why do you have to do that? I like you the way you are, stop trying so hard. Augh.
ANYWAY
He's just being super clingy since we've got back to school and he blames it on the knowledge that he won't be able to see me a lot during the school year cause he'll be so busy, which is fine. I don't mind long distance relationships, even if they're on the same campus. I'm independent and I like my privacy--he doesn't get that. Plus he doesn't trust me at all even though I've never done anything to betray him : / Augh whaaatever. It's lax time -- getting rid of all the bad in my life one day at a time.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
No idea
Just ate half an omelette and some hash browns. Had to go to breakfast with mum after jury duty summons.
I told her it was fine but I'm about to go take extra milk of magnesia just to make sure it's all out after and hopefully not eat for three fucking days cause I want to fucking die because of what i just ate. I felt like some sort of animal sitting there chowing away at the restaurant and now I feel bloated and disgusting but I can't purge through vomiting because I can't risk getting broken blood vessels in my eyes and on my face right now : /
FECK. Oh well there is no time like the present.
I told her it was fine but I'm about to go take extra milk of magnesia just to make sure it's all out after and hopefully not eat for three fucking days cause I want to fucking die because of what i just ate. I felt like some sort of animal sitting there chowing away at the restaurant and now I feel bloated and disgusting but I can't purge through vomiting because I can't risk getting broken blood vessels in my eyes and on my face right now : /
FECK. Oh well there is no time like the present.
156
Phew back down again thank goodness. Oy. This is making me crazy. Er.
Felt guilty about starving myself in front of the family and my boyfriend so I ate some potatoes.
Tossed them up in the bathroom after no one was looking but hopefully that'll put them off my tail for a bit.
Hopefully the number's lower tomorrow still, since all I consumed were two home made fresh fruit smoothies today.
Court tomorrow for violation of jury duty call--and it wasn't even my fault. UGH. Hopefully they'll just see it as an oversight and I'll just get to go. Oy.
Felt guilty about starving myself in front of the family and my boyfriend so I ate some potatoes.
Tossed them up in the bathroom after no one was looking but hopefully that'll put them off my tail for a bit.
Hopefully the number's lower tomorrow still, since all I consumed were two home made fresh fruit smoothies today.
Court tomorrow for violation of jury duty call--and it wasn't even my fault. UGH. Hopefully they'll just see it as an oversight and I'll just get to go. Oy.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
161
I don't even deserve to write here today because my weight is so high. This morning I kind of carb-loaded after not sleeping for 48 straight hours, then I slept after a long drawn out argument with B.
He doesn't understand that I'm not going to hurt him, at least intentionally. He is so convinced I'm going to cheat on him or leave him high and dry like the others did that I can't get him to believe me because he doesn't trust me.
I told him I wouldn't drink if he didn't--I think he's afraid of alcoholism. But I meant I wouldn't just go out and get wasted for fun. I went to have a beer with a few friends (just because I like beer for the taste and quality value, not to get drunk, mind you) because it was my last day of work at that place and he found out what I was doing and drove all the way to the guy's house and picked me up.
Of course I just bent to his will because that's what I do. I cried, he said hurtful things, I cried more, he finally admitted he was a dick, then we moved on and had a great breakfast and good conversation.
I think he just wants me to feel something, and he does it to get a rise out of me. I can't feel, he knows that. Obviously if I dealt with emotions properly I wouldn't have this stupid ED in the first place. Idk I'm not really angry--I am perfect for him because I enjoy the abuse and he likes to hurt people. Sad but true.
He gives me the satisfaction of punishment for my supposed sins and I provide him with a figurative punching bag to get out his frustrations.
I don't know if it's healthy--it probably isn't--but then again what about my life actually is?
All I know is this week I don't have to work so I know there isn't a danger of me scarfing down all that nasty shit at work or having excess dairy, etc.
It's sad I'm looking forward to starving.
He doesn't understand that I'm not going to hurt him, at least intentionally. He is so convinced I'm going to cheat on him or leave him high and dry like the others did that I can't get him to believe me because he doesn't trust me.
I told him I wouldn't drink if he didn't--I think he's afraid of alcoholism. But I meant I wouldn't just go out and get wasted for fun. I went to have a beer with a few friends (just because I like beer for the taste and quality value, not to get drunk, mind you) because it was my last day of work at that place and he found out what I was doing and drove all the way to the guy's house and picked me up.
Of course I just bent to his will because that's what I do. I cried, he said hurtful things, I cried more, he finally admitted he was a dick, then we moved on and had a great breakfast and good conversation.
I think he just wants me to feel something, and he does it to get a rise out of me. I can't feel, he knows that. Obviously if I dealt with emotions properly I wouldn't have this stupid ED in the first place. Idk I'm not really angry--I am perfect for him because I enjoy the abuse and he likes to hurt people. Sad but true.
He gives me the satisfaction of punishment for my supposed sins and I provide him with a figurative punching bag to get out his frustrations.
I don't know if it's healthy--it probably isn't--but then again what about my life actually is?
All I know is this week I don't have to work so I know there isn't a danger of me scarfing down all that nasty shit at work or having excess dairy, etc.
It's sad I'm looking forward to starving.
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