171

Only had liquids today, but they were high-cal. I'm gonna say I had probably like 500 maybe 600 if I'm really pushing it. Water, coffee, and tea for the rest of the day.

I just obsessively freaked out and ran around my house looking for laxatives to flush my system. I weighed myself fifteen times or more just in case the number changed.

I've been denying myself this long, I've always 'said' i have an ED but I've always just thought I was choosing it. Now I realize--the pain is real.

It's depressing, I'll admit.

All I can think about is the number on the scale.

Fuck.

You know, the sick thing is that I think about this while I'm eating. I think, 'Don't. You'll regret it." but I do it anyway because it's what I want at the time.

How am I ever going to be 18.5 BMI if I keep this shit up? 120's my 'goal' weight.

110's my real one. But I'll probably be dead by then.

<3 Cheers.