Thursday, September 30, 2010

photos.




Well. This is me at 154. I'm 5'9".

154

Laxatives last night at midnight, lost a pound of weight. I know it's not real weight but still. I feel better.

Day three of being back on Prozac : / idk how I feel about it yet. I feel like I might be in a better mood but the drug hasn't really been in my system long enough to affect me. Blehh.

Yesterday I luckily was able to stay away from food all day and not have to deal with a lot of food situations but last night a bunch of friends went to get root beer floats. I told them I didn't want anything but they kind of pressured me as I've been looking rather thin compared to what I used to...So I ate a kids meal. Well most of it anyway. I didn't gain from it but I still regret it because it's not good for my body at all and I only felt guilty afterward. I need to remember that feeling so I can avoid it. Guilt. Ugh. As if I don't have enough of that.

I'm looking forward to having time to go to the gym this afternoon! After I go check out some phone options I'm going to come back to campus and go work out, hopefully for a couple of hours. Might get to 152 by Sundayyyyyy! That'd be nice. Then 148 next Sunday? I could live with that.

Goal is 125 by 12-25. Christmas.

Goal weights, in my opinion, are stupid. I'll never be done with this, but I'm afraid if I don't have a goal that I'll just spiral out of control. At least if I have an "end goal", I can fool myself into thinking all I want to do is lose a bit of weight... : (

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dinner

Went to the caf to socialize. Good times. But was kinda meh. I felt a little indifferent. Tried to get a salad but I was so disgusted with everything in the caf...it's the same thing every day. I can only eat so much spinach with red peppers on it. Grr.

I had a tiny custard cup with some soft-serve vanilla ice cream in it, maybe half a cup with 1/2 tbsp of honey on it. Looked it up and it's 191 calories ish for 1/2 a cup. Plus I had honey on it. So there's another 13 cals right there. I don't have trouble restricting, but I do have trouble telling myself to be ok without purging. I eat things solely with the intent of purging them, and that is pathetic.

I've been hiding it hardcore from Boyfriend. He knows I started back on my antidepressants so I'm sure he's expecting some glorious return of my real personality... well the happy pills haven't kicked in yet but meh we'll see. Hopefully it'll improve my attendance at school as well. I just have to get my sleeping habits fixed.

Anyway, I'm going to the gym tonight after work in hopes of burning off whatever's left of that ice cream that I didn't purge.

Food:
B: Baby Food 80
L: Fiber One Bar 90
D: Bit of Salad and Ice Cream 210
Total: 380. FUCK.

It's ridiculous. I know four hundred calories is not too much for a normal person. It's wayyyy too little. If my best friend was only eating that much a day I'd be concerned for her yet I'm not concerned for myself in the least. All I can do is think, hope, pray, plea for the number to be smaller tomorrow so I can have a happy day.

I just hope Boyfriend doesn't find out....He'll be upset : (

155

Happy to say that my weight has not increased in the last couple of days at all because I have not eaten food (except for a bit of salad and a cookie yesterday--which i tried to purge but couldn't).

Eating an 80 calorie baby food in place of going to the caf, which was very tempting because I need the socialization. Small victories. Oh, another small victory was yesterday when I was faced with Panera bread and Starbucks. I really wanted one of those chocolate things from Panera and I was just like ohhhh it'll be fine, I haven't eaten anything today so if I get the pastry it wont' hurt that much. Yeah. Well I just passed it right up after a little bit of debating. I just hit the gas pedal and pushed myself away from it. And boyfriend brought me my favorite coffee thing from starbucks--or at least my old favorite but he didn't get it with skim or sugar free so i couldn't drink it. i pretended to for his sake (and it was delicious) but I tossed it out as soon as he left.

I just wish I could get rid of this stomach fat and my back fat. And my inner thighs. The rest of me isn't that bad, it's just that it all seems to collect in these spots augh! Plus I have stretch marks--thanks, bulimia--that I'm trying to get rid of with Bio-Oil but it takes three months to work and I'm soooo impatient : / Oh well. Hopefully today goes as good as yesterday. Actually no, I hope it goes better, because even though i only had liquids i probs had about 700 calories total. So baby food and tea and water today.

Fruit fast tomorrow? Sounds good : )

Monday, September 27, 2010

Struggle

Went out with friends. Originally planned to only go get the boyfriend some food but caught my other two friends. ate mexican food with them 'cause i was anxious. came home. puked. felt a little better. still feel too full, even though really I didn't eat that much. calorie-wise though it was at least a thousand.

idk. more working out tomorrow, followed by less eating. I can get down.

It's easy. Just eat less and exercise more. Not that hard.

156

Meh back to 156 when I woke up. Guess it was just water. Went running today at nine, was on the treadmill for only about twenty minutes. I feel so much better and more motivated now.

After that I went to my counseling appointment and we talked about self-recognition, like being able to realize what triggers you and talking yourself out of deep emotional ruts.

He's putting me on anti-depressants of a different sort now. Hopefully that should help get rid of the negative feelings.

After yesterday's uncontrolled purging after eating that icing, i realized that I need to be more in control. Yes, I desperately need to be thin, but...I need to stop purging.

So today I went to the caf while I was still on my high from exercising and had a light salad and some fruit for dessert... and one cookie. And a glass of lemon water.

And I feel okay.

Well. A bit guilty about the cookie but meh.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

No Idea

So in my depression at being at '160'--which was probably just carb water bloat from the low-fat subway veggie sub i had but still--i ate 1/3 of a jar of rainbow chip frosting, and then i tossed my cookies in my bathroom.
the scary thing is that it was much easier than usual. i have pretty much no gag reflex, and i usually purge through exercise, so when i do feel like i have to vomit it's often a lengthy and tedious process. This was a ten minute episode and after i felt exhilarated. Fuck. : / Kind of scares me a little.

I wonder if I'm going insane. I eat nothing for a week and i lose nothing, I eat one meal and I gain five lbs. Is my metabolism really that screwy? All I know is that I need to get back on my regimen tomorrow. I hate that sort of thing, and i hate the fact that I'm intentionally starving myself, but it's either that or binge and purge and frankly my throat hurts, my face is puffy, and my eyes have broken blood vessels and my knuckles are scarred up and i hate it.


so no more of that.

the saddest part is a few days ago i thought to myself...this isn't so bad. this body. it's better than what i had before. i could live with it.

i believed that for a couple of days. i avoided mirrors. i avoided the scale. then i gave into temptation and stepped on the scale and all hell broke loose.

boyfriend says hes' glad we've been getting along so well recently. he doesn't realize it's because i hate myself. because i see him looking at thinner girls. commenting on my breasts and how they've gotten smaller. saying that my shoes look weird. or that he doesn't like my shirt. or saying how all these girls are cute all the time.

i'm not jealous, per se, i just wish he wouldn't tell me. it just makes me feel bad about myself. i don't care if he looks, i just don't want to know about it : /

he gets mad when he shows up and i'm irritable
but it's because i've just eaten a FUCKING JAR OF FROSTING AND THEN PUKED IT UP.

fuck. my. life.

goddamn.

160?

Idk I've ingested a lot of liquids today, not to mention a sandwich from Subway. I decided today that i'm going to let myself have a cravings day, where I just let myself eat whatever the fuck I want for the entire night. Tomorrow, I begin my regimen again.

3 Baby food containers a day.
Fiber crisps
Rice cakes
Water

es todo

-

Friday, September 24, 2010

155

When I woke up and weighed this is what it was.

Then~

I ate lunch with my friends. I had a veggie burger. It tasted good but I'm soooo full now. I don't like the weighty feeling. And the worst part is that right before I went I was like noooo, you should just stay home, not worth it, blahh.

: (

I never listen to myself.

So much shit has gone on in the last day it's a wonder i haven't binged.
My boyfriend, who constantly insures me he is fine, that he won't come, that he knows when it's coming, and he won't do it inside me...totally did last night. Right in the middle of the month, the most dangerous time.

So I went to CVS last night and got emergency contraception : /
Here's hoping that shit works. I don't want to have to deal with this.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

156

Idk somewhere between 155 and 159. My scale is weird, or I drank a lot. I woke up and weighed and I was 154.5 then I weighed again and I was `58. Need to buy a digital scale next time. Mhm.

Been meaning to clean my room but I've been super lazy lately.

Interviewing RFK, Jr. tonight. Kinda nervous--never interviewed anyone like that before.

Ate decently at lunch. Bite of a sandwich. Nibble of salad. A few spoons of vegetable soup. 1/3 of a banana. A cookie. Diet coke.

Idk i just wasn't in the mood.

I was struck by a horribly delicious thought this morning: what would I look like if I dropped sixty lb?
Emaciated to be sure but it was just morbid curiosity. Giving myself a goal for this week. Under 155 consistently for three days to be sure it's not just water. Get back into working out. I'll go tonight. It's always the thought of going that's worse than actually being there.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

159

Back to `59 because i let myself be a whore to food. I'm going to try really hard to do some serious clean eating and get myself back into fasting mode and stay there for a long freaking time.

things are oddly blissful and easy with the boyfriend.
he let something very offensive that i said go the other night. i felt really bad about saying it, and i think he learned that the only way we're ever going to be able to work is if we compromise. hopes.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

159

Binged all weekend, haven't gotten rid of anything and I'm only at 159? Weird.

Well just in case I'm gonna run like a bitch tomorrow and try to eat absolutely nothing. It'll feel good to be pure. Plus my hair will be pretty. Maybe I can just eat fruit and vegetables...That'd be clean eating for sure.

Gotta get down below 150.

Got picked up by three boys this weekend. Odd? Yes. Satisfying? Yes. . . Ish. But Will be better when they pick me up and they're like OMG you're so light!

So much homework...not enough time for food. Haha.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Binge

I ate two normal meals yesterday and I felt like I was going to die. TOO MUCH. But I had to do it because I don't want my mom to worry. I didn't stop then though. I had a caramel apple spice at starbuck's (sugar free syrup), and an oreo cookie. FML. A 'normal' day for anyone else but for me--insanity.

I talked to a counselor yesterday morning about my desperation to get out of this situation. Just to be healthy. To end not only my disordered eating but my disordered thinking. He suggested I start a journal--ha! x) I told him I already write so that was good. He sees benefits in the way that I think though--the fact that I know my behaviors are wrong is a good thing.

But he says I should tell my mom what a struggle I'm going through, but she's already dealing with so much. Plus she has lot rent to pay, and there's a lot of crap going on with her. . . So I'd feel guiltier telling her.

Annnd...secretly I really want to get under my UGW, which will only take a few more months so I'm kinda...Idk. Kinda mixed. Rather not purge ever again, but if I starve... I dunno if I can keep that disciplined though. The B/P cycle is really ingrained, and so is the guilt after I eat. So maybe not yet.

The other side of that coin is that I don't have money for the treatment my counselor wants. He doesn't seem to understand that free counseling is my only option. That and antidepressants : / But he's not an expert in eating disorders and doesn't know how to approach it anyway.

Anyone have any ideas?

Friday, September 17, 2010

No Fucking Idea

I'm home for the weekend. Mixed feelings. Kinda want to be back at school. Thought I'd be more excited but I'm kinda meh right now. Kind of want to be with my friends at the party but don't just wanna go back. Might go back tomorrow night. Idk..... I feel strange. I was really wanting to come home to get away from the stress but now I'm here and it's just. . . idk. Not the relief I wanted it to be.
Strange.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

156

Just want to get below. : (
Maybe after this weekend. I'm going home for the weekend so it'll be a good chance to recharge. Don't really want to drive but meh.

Feeling very unhappy. Don't want to get out of bed to go to class. No motivation for schoolwork at all. No motivation to do anything at all. Just want to feel okay.

And still I feel I'm not sick enough to need help. I feel like there's a cold ache around my heart, in my chest. Weighing me down.

I hate this town. I am not enjoying school. Being with my boyfriend isn't fun anymore. Nothing's fun anymore.

I just need something.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

No idea

I'll weigh later when I'm naked. I weighed with clothes on and a lot of water in my body and a bit of lunch and I was still a couple lb under 160 so I'm hoping that's the case. Took laxes last night but not a lot happened. I just want to clean meself out. Been drinking a lot more water and gonna start deep conditioning my hair. Getting to the point where my body's failing...not good. : ( I'm not even skinny yet.

-

Looking forward to winter when I'll want hot tea all the time. Unfortunately cold weather means...: / Less natural heat to keep me warm. Hoping to be skinny by then though. I /need/ to make this happen.


-

After spending an evening bitching me out, boyfriend finally confessed that he stole files off of my computer. Videos. My weight-loss video log. He claims he didn't watch them but it's the principle of the thing...he took my stuff without asking, my private intimate log : ( and he always gave me crap about it too. Always made me feel guilty for not trusting him when all along he had stolen my vids. : ( Idk how to feel about that, other than I can feel this relationship falling apart. I thought I could be with him for a long time but I'm very unhappy and this just isn't working out it seems. I can deal with it in the short term but long term I just don't know. But I know he's really in love with me... Just the other night he told me that he's never felt this way about anyone and he feels scared that I'm going to hurt him.

Well maybe I am : /

I don't know. But now I feel pressured. I wish we'd never said the 'L' word.
I guess you live and learn some days.

-

The other night I was thinking and I miss my ex-boyfriend. I know he wasn't good for me. He was emotionally abusive. He didn't care that stuff hurt my feelings. He made me feel like the bad guy all the time, even when I was just saying my feelings were hurt. He always wanted sex, all the time. I know it's just a male hormone thing but it's like... he started saying stuff about if I 'teased' him and didn't follow through he'd be angry. And at times he would get really really pissed. Made me feel like I owed it to him or something.

But I guess I'm in that breakup stage where I gloss over the bad stuff and remember the good, like how I always knew how he'd respond. I knew his favorites. I knew what gifts to get him. I knew that if I said a joke he'd laugh, and I could really be myself around him.

With Boyfriend, I feel sometimes like that's not possible. I never know how he'll respond. If I joke he can take offense to it and gets super serious. And once he's angry there's no getting out of it.

I guess I've only known him half a year but... Still. I wish we'd have been friends first. He's jealous and telling me I can't be friends with this guy because the guy might have had a crush on me at some point. Honestly, I know he just feels threatened because the other guy is extremely good looking, he's a bit older than me (only a couple years) and our personalities mesh quite well. There's no way I'd ever cheat on Boyfriend, but he doesn't see it. I would date the other boy in question if ever the time came where I wanted to and he wanted to and things wouldn't be awkward, but I would obviously not do so while I was involved. I just can't do that.

I don't even think about it.

Grr.

Wtf ever.

-

I flipped my shit last night. Haven't felt that way in a looong time. I just felt so angry, irrationally so. So hateful. Resentful. It was awful : ( I was so restless--I felt like I couldn't do anything to make the feeling go away. I felt hot. In despair. So depressed. Worthless. It came in waves.

So I decided that even though i'm not going back to group therapy right now, i'm going to the university counselor... : / idk how to talk to her about this though. so confusing.

i guess i've just never quite felt this depressed before.
awful.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

154

Back to lowest weight since diagnosed with BULLimia. 34 lb seems so far away, but I've already lost that much so I know I can do it again. BMI is 22.7.

Measurements:
Hips: 36.5 (Child-bearing hips...never be smaller than 33 I think. Sigh.)
Waist: 28
Bust: 34
Thighs: 22.4

Getting smaller. Slowly but surely. Loving it. Feeling it. Seeing it.

The only weird thing is that I can see my ribs fairly prominently and I'm not thin yet. But they do stick out. And I can start to see my hipbones now. I need to tone up in the abs area. : / Off to go nom a salad before I binge in my room.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

155

Hm. Confusion at this weight loss. But I won't complain. I'm doing homework and crunches intermittently. Gonna switch it up with lunges, a few walks down the stairs and back, and jogging in place for the day. Good way to keep the metab up and the boredom away I think. I have /so/ much work to do before Monday, and I'm sooo not looking forward to it. Egh. Oh well, I know it will get done...it's just all badly timed.

In other news my BMI is below 23 now. I'm at 22.9 according to nhlbisupport.com. Six more points seems so far away.

so I'm 155 which means I have 35 lb left to lose until I'm 120. Idk if I can make it before December at the rate I've been going. . . Unless I just really dedicate myself and don't fuck up but idk if that's going to happen. I really am just hoping to not go home until then and then when I'm back for Christmas break be really thin. That would be so nice...only I'd hate everyone commenting on it though : (

That'd be embarrassing. I can't wait to see my beautiful body, the one that's trapped under all this.

And ya know I can see girls that are bigger than me that must be 150, 160, 170...it's not that uncommon but I feel so huuuuge. It's awful : (

Oh well. I'm not going to be one of those. I'm going to be the one they envy, the one they despise, the one that they say OMG you're so tiny! Described as Oh, she's about 110, 120 lb. Omg 110...I can't even imagine. 45 lb thinner? Ugh I die of happiness. I'd be soooo tiny.

Gotta stop running so much and switch to walking...legs are bulking up from muscle
: (
not good. want them smaller. but it's good i have more muscle to burn more calories i guess. anyway i'm going to try and stay focused this week. My goals' to touch 150 on the scale by next saturday. Five lb isn't that much. Tiny goal is to be below 155 tomorrow.

Friday, September 10, 2010

156-7?

Idk I must have been dehydrated cause it said 154 when I woke up this morning. Slowly but surely goddamnit.

I copied and pasted a giant majority of this journal for my boyfriend to read last night after he asked to see it. I think maybe it will help him to understand a little bit more about me. Hopefully.

Drinkin' some tea today--gonna think about doing some homework, then gonna hang out with my bestie tonight for a lil' while since she's on rounds. Gotta love it.


Not a lot to say today. My boyfriend packed up all his stuff and said he was going to leave. But then he didn't. I know that this ED is a lot to deal with and that it makes me cranky and that it puts a rift between us...I wish it didn't but it's the truth. After all that he just sat down and cried and told me he was scared for me.

I think I understand him a little better now.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

160

Been running every day, eating minimally, weight's not dropping.
Fuck my life.

Not to mention I purged today after dinner and my boyfriend totally caught me so we got into a fight, he's all mad.

But it's more that he's upset--he's afraid I'll die.
I understand...but I can't change it either. I'd much rather just starve myself but I get the compulsion. When I'm not terrified of food I binge and purge. I hate it. He doesn't understand.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Scale says 160

Probs at 158 in the am-ish.

Fml. I can't believe this. So much hard work and nothing. Looks like I'm going to have to actually eat stuff to keep my metab up : / Feck.

My fear of eating collides with my fear of being fat...
Bleh

156

Somehow after this awful weekend of no exercise and not great eating I /lost/ a pound.

?

Well whatever, I'm not going to complain. Hoping for two and a half miles at the gym today if I have time--ugh so hectic.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A Single Step

The divine irony is that I lead an enviable life. I have minimal possessions, minimal want for disposable income, minimal desire to purchase unnecessary things.

Of course I am human and so I have desires, but in the last few years I have removed the need for things and in place of it have found a need for life.

Experiences, not things, are what we need to live for. You'll lose nothing by not slaving away in university to be the best. What are you going to do? Get a degree that the rest of the world already has? You're not special--you're just like everyone else.

What will make you unique is the use of that degree. That piece of paper is the tool, the key that you will use to unlock doors everywhere--if you know how to look. There isn't a magical formula you can follow; you can't just go through the motions, get a degree, find a desk job, and live happy forever. If you have a grasp on reality and a keen eye for rationality, eventually you will be miserable, eventually you will find that you live an unfulfilled life.

The secret to turning this all around is simply to choose. Choose life. That's all you have to do.

It seems easy, but in truth it is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I could have gone to the best university in the Midwest, and even though I would have been in debt, I was so desperate for that fancy little piece of paper that said I was worth something. That showed that I worked hard.

Through a convoluted series of events I eventually landed at a small liberal arts school that I go to for free thanks to scholarships and financial aid. I have made the best friends I could ask for and have had so many unique experiences that are irreplaceable and most certainly priceless.

But it doesn't stop there. I'm not majoring in business or biology or nursing or something else that I would certainly hate and therefore make excellent money doing. I instead pursued writing, which is something of a skill that I've had my entire life. (Perhaps it doesn't show on this blog but then again, this exists for the sole purpose of berating myself so naturally my stream of consciousness isn't gramatically or politically correct ; ) )

I started out as an English Education major when I came to school because my whole life everyone told me I should "do something with art or writing." Naturally that meant I should get a steady job doing something vaguely satisfying that would require minimal work. I took on that major because I felt it was what I was "supposed to do." We all know that feeling. We're "supposed" to graduate high school, "supposed" to go to college, "supposed" to get a job, "supposed" to go to graduate school, get married, have children, get a promotion, buy a house, buy cars, grow old, retire, and spend the rest of our lives in a senile and sedentary state of bliss.

The idea of spending my waking hours at a nine-to-five for roughly the next forty five years and then fading away into a wrinkly, catbox-scented oblivion terrifies and astounds me. Why are we so complacent? Why are we so unbelievably satisfied to follow these social mores and achieve "The Steps"? Why do we want this mundane, day-to-day carousel to be the vehicle by which we achieve centegenarianism?

A century spent kissing ass to the man, buying his products and licking his boots?
Or one spent fulfilling your fantasies, using all your senses, and doing things you enjoy? Imagine actually finding your passion and fulfilling it!

I am choosing fulfillment. I let go of my measly ambition, let go of my absolutely desperate need for security, and allowed myself to embrace the mystery. It sounds romantic, and indeed it is. A romantic notion but a realistic possibility--and that possibility comes from nothing but choice. Pure, simple choice.

Many people misunderstand the idea of "letting go." It seems irresponsible, lazy even. A life without a job? Tomfoolery! Blasphemy! Impossibility!

But think for a moment. Reflect. How much of your life have you spent having your tasks delegated to you by someone else? Throughout childhood, many of our parents indoctrinated us using 'good parent' techniques like educational videos, lectures, and years of embarrassing sand-sitting during our pee-wee sporting events.

Most of their time was spent telling us what /not/ to do. Don't eat sweets before dinner. Don't jump on the bed. Don't talk to strangers.

Sometimes they told us what we ought to do. /Do/ stay in school. /Do/ get a job. /Do/ go to college. /Do/ get another job.

All of this, in order to ensure that their offspring "had it better" than they did. All of this in order to ensure a more perfect future, especially "in this economy". All of this in order to ensure that they didn't fail at parenting, and that they did produce something worthwhile.

Occasionally parents will attempt to instill curiosity in their children. They tell their kids to travel, to see the world, to find their passions.

And so the young adult ponders this idea. Passions? Something they likely hadn't pursued until their post-pubescent years. Up til now all they could think about was how they had to wear deodorant now, how to avoid being called on in class to go up to the board when they're sporting an ill-timed (and often unsubstantial) erection, which bra to wear, how to effectively use hair styling gel to increase their dateability ratio. After this sea of raging hormones has somewhat ebbed, and the sweat from their grimy little palms has dried, there is time to think (with a somewhat rational mind) about "the future".

It's too bad that most of us only speculate.
How many of you wanted to be a dinosaur when you grew up? A ballerina? An astronaut? Indiana Jones? Why aren't you doing those things?
Because they're impossible, of course.
Because when our parents, our teachers, our guidance counselors told us to reach for the stars, they meant climb a ladder and sit on the roof--not go to the moon.

Every year, we get older. Every year, the bar we're reaching for gets closer.

But is it because we're making progress? or are we just lowering the bar?
Are we minimizing our expectations in order to achieve a sense of maximum satisfaction?

We like to think we're the dreamers we were when we were four. Ten. Fifteen. Nineteen. Twenty two.

Unfortunately, those people are too-often buried in the schoolyard with our plastic-bottle time capsules and our long-forgotten playhouses.

Every so often these children do go on to finish school. Finish college. Find a job. Find a graduate school. Find a wife. Find another job. Find an affordable, family-friendly car with room for a carseat or two and enough space to store the after soccer practice snack-cooler.

They tell themselves "I'll travel when I'm a bit older." When I have more money. When I have more time. After I get this promotion. When I get my vacation time. When I'm retired. When I get out of the hospital. When I get my strength back.

And soon, they're wishing, holding the hands of their children, regretting the fact that they never got the chance to travel before they died.

Well I'm here to tell you that it's okay to eat your sweets before dinner. If there's something you want to do, don't wait until "after" something to do it. If you want to take a backpack trip through Europe, you'd better get moving because each day you don't is a day that you deny yourself your basic human right--the pursuit of happiness. Each day you don't is a day you sink deeper in the pit of bureaucratic life. Each day you don't is a day you get closer to finishing your life without fulfilling your goals.

We're told not to talk to people we don't know. Am I right? How many of us were warned about Stranger Danger!? Since we were born, our parents have been warning us about the horrific dangers of life outside the schoolyard. Every person on the street is a psychotic homicidal maniac with a penchant for touching little boys who is just waiting to kill the shit out of you at any given moment!

Well that my friends is bullshit. You're old enough now to judge a situation. We know now that not everyone is a stalker, not everyone is biding his time until you leave your backseat unlocked, and not everyone is saving up each month to buy a big white van with no windows in the back. Talk to strangers! If you don't, you'll never make friends. Of course I don't mean go into the shady parts of town and strike up a conversation with a seedy looking bum who's trying to sell you hats made out of roadkill for a gram of coke. But you need to network. Network, network, network. This involves talking to a hell of a lot of strangers (which can be scary); the result is that opportunities will start coming your way. Each new person you meet, each conversation you have, every time you give out a business card or take one home, you are building a new door in your hallway of life. Knowing people and effectively communicating is the simplest way to cushion yourself against the fall when you take The Plunge. You never know whose best friend is a business consultant in Paris who needs an intern ASAP, or if your hairdresser is married to the lawyer for an international aid campaign that needs help in South America. So go ahead. Schmooze the daylights out of people. Make friends. Put yourself out there--because then the opportunities to really live your life will come to you.

And as long as we're saying fuck it to everything our parents taught us, let's jump on the bed. Have fun. It's your life! Start enjoying it! If you can't jump as high as you want, get a different bed. Or try someone else's bed. Jump on your neighbor's bed. Go camping and jump on your sleeping bag. Find what works for you and have fun doing it!

I know, you're thinking DAMN RIGHT! ITS SO EASY.
Well. It's not, but it's possible.

We think that our dreams are out of reach, or are something to wait for. So we never try. Instead, we remain faithful sharecroppers in a cubicle farm, selling the fruits of our labor in the form of DTS reports and expense records. And for what? To make enough money to pay for our American dream? To live an average life in an average town, with an average family. 2.5 children and a dog named Spot, in a neighborhood where all the houses look the same.

I don't know about you but the thought of such a mundane life full of pointless work frightens me. So I'm taking the plunge. I'm saying 'no'. I'm choosing /not/ to live that life.

Instead I'm choosing to move forward. To reach for what I want. To sing, dance, yell, through life instead of letting it scream past me for eighty more years.

Smell the flowers, people. Feel the air around you. Notice the way things taste or smell. Really focus on textures. Let your mind enjoy the softness of a blanket or the warmth of the sun. Find beauty in daily life, and you will never be unhappy.

If there is something you want to do, take fifteen minutes right now and take a step in that direction. Have you always wanted to visit Africa? Get online and take a look at some programs that might let you do that. Learn about how much it would cost to spend six months in Spain. Create a fake budget for your dream trip to the West Coast. If it seems crazy, that means you're on the right path.

Which brings me to my next point: It's ok to dream big. I'll say it once more just to make sure. It is perfectly okay if you want to have big, audacious, near-impossible dreams. Most people don't dream enough, and that's how they get caught in their tiny little ant farm lifestyle. Sure, some people will think you're crazy, but those people are afraid to leave their comfort zone. There will inevitably be people who try to bring you down. Let them try. In most cases, they are so ingrained in the comfort of their daily, average lives that they cannot fathom the idea of not having "The Steps" to make their lives make sense. Be firm in your goals. Every day just take a tiny step toward them, and the journey won't seem so bad. It's like saving money--if you put a dollar in your savings account each day you wouldn't be troubled--a dollar seems insignificant--but those dollars add up over time. The same is true when we take those first feeble baby steps toward the edge. They add up to a distance over time--and it takes time to work up the courage to take the plunge.

And there it is, the scary climax. The Plunge. It sounds frightening; the thought of leaving behind the daily life that we were "supposed" to have goes against everything we were taught our entire lives. You will get scared. You will turn back. You will undo all of your precious work. Those first tentative baby steps will be washed away like footprints in the sand. You'll reach desperately for that safety net, that web of mundane daily life that seems so safe and familiar.

It's okay to trip. It's okay to fall. Just dust yourself off and get back on the track. It's not a race--you just have to finish. Let go of what you've been taught your entire life. Let go of the idea that you just have to be successful at your career, have to make money, have to have a family, have to retire. Of course we all have to die sometime, but this is the only life we get--you'd better start making it count.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

100 Posts

I feel that after 100 of something there ought to be a celebration.

Yet as I sit here at work drinking diet soda with an empty pit for a stomach I can't find anything worth celebrating. It gets worse. And worse.

This weekend I let myself eat. And my 'let myself' I mean I ate one 'normal' meal a day for two days in a row. : / I feel like it's a start. But tomorrow is Monday and that means back to the daily grind. I haven't gained everything back so I'm happy but still fearful. Can't wait to get below 155 consistently.

My plan is to get in the gym. Recently I've been feeling the compulsion to go to the gym every day but I've been trying to ignore it. But it's chewing at me and I think tomorrow's the day I give in. I'd have gone today but I ended up spending the day with a new friend and then did work all night : ( Tomorrow morning and tomorrow night I'll go to the gym... Maybe Boyfriend will want to work out together! How fun would that be? He's wayyyy stronger but I can run wayyyy further. Maybe I'll ask him tomorrow. Meanwhile I ingested less than a thousand calories today but I wish it was less than 500. I'm sure it isn't though. I'm not going to post a food diary today because it's embarrassing, but just know that tomorrow I'm strictly back on the baby food plan.

Tomorrow -
3 Pots Baby Food 250 cal
2 Hours at Gym -600 cal?
1 Snack 50 cal

Tomorrow we're lookin at a deficit, hopefully. I'll feel much less stressed out once I get back on track : /

--

Ya know, I try to talk to Boyfriend about it and he's really supportive of trying to help me but he doesn't get how embarrassing and shameful it is. : / I HATE this ED but I feel so helpless within it, and I don't think he understands. Even though I look ok outside, even though I might laugh and joke, inside I'm constantly starving or crying or both. It's sick, a sick game, and I hate it but sometimes he doesn't understand that I have to pretend.
He hates when I lie to him about purging or whatever but I know that if I told him the truth all the time his heart would break. : ( And I would be even more ashamed than I already am, if that's possible.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

157

Well this post was going to be chipper and happy 'cause all i had were two low-cal fiber bars and water today but I just went to dinner with my friends (cause I miss the socialization) and it's getting harder not to eat there cause everyone else is. i had some quinoa salad thing (which is good), some uncooked spinach (good) most of a bowl of cereal (awful) and a cookie (awful-er).

In total today:
B: Fiber One Bar (90)
L: Blueberry Special K Bar (90)
S: Coke Zero
D: Cereal (300?), Spinach (20), Quinoa (150?), Cookie (140?)
Total: 790

I purged again today after dinner--it was a scary compulsion. now my tummy is sore
: (

I hate this. Even though I purged at least half of my dinner I'm counting it all to remind myself of what a failure I am.
UGH. SUCH a high calorie dinner after such a good day. No more caf. Unless I eat before I go. I'm done-zo with that shit. I'll miss the socializing but fuck. And I can't even go to the gym or antyhing because it's raining and Boyfriend is here and frankly I just don't have the energy : /

Tomorrow's a new day I guess.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Sick

So I've just got back from "dinner" at the caf--friends noticed I've been ducking invites so I thought it best to go along. Luckily everyone agreed it was shite so I didn't have to worry too much. I got a salad. Had some cucumber. Picked at my salad. Had some chicken on top of the salad. Picked at that. Spooned myself a bowl of lo-cal soup. Picked. Threw all the chicken into the soup, along with the fat free dressing and some olives from my salad so I wouldn't be tempted to finish it. Had a couple of bites of cheese. A cookie and a half.

Sat like a zombie, petrified, lacking. Staring, fingers digging into the flesh of my arm, right hand poised with a fork defensively in front of my mouth, lest anything try to get in there.

I had maybe ten bites of food plus the cookie.

Walked home. My brain was blank. I literally barely remember even making the trek home.
Walked past my bathroom and my stomach moved. Or something.
I looked at the toilet and something in me just caved and I calmly set down my things and organized them, flipped off the lights to my room, rolled up my sweatshirt sleeves, and shoved my fingers repeatedly down my throat, tickling it just right until I heaved enough that I emptied myself of what little I consumed. Washed my hands, wiped my eyes, and did it again.

Stood back up, rinsed my mouth out, stared at my puffy, pink face in the mirror.
Shame.

Scrubbed my hands.

Gathered my things.

I'm at work.

And nobody knows the hell I'm in. How? How is it that nobody can see this demon on my back? Isn't it glaringly obvious? I hate it.

I can feel myself losing. Try as I might to convince myself I don't really have an ED, I'm just on a crash diet, just getting thinner...I know it isn't true.

I just want one day of normalcy.

So Depressingly True

157?

Ate a couple bites of cucumber and a fiber one bar today. 100 calories? I don't know and I don't care. I am hungry but I don't have any cravings for anything. I cried last night. I don't know what happened. I just broke down. I read stories of girls who got out of their eating disorders and it just made me feel even more hopeless. But boyfriend was there for me and he held me and let me cry and i was covered in snot and I felt a lot better today. I think finally admitting the helplessness that I feel to someone helped me in some way. Now if only I could fix that. : /

I'm just so apathetic right now.

So weak.

Nothing inside me.

So many stairs, so many classes.

It's hard.