Binge

I ate two normal meals yesterday and I felt like I was going to die. TOO MUCH. But I had to do it because I don't want my mom to worry. I didn't stop then though. I had a caramel apple spice at starbuck's (sugar free syrup), and an oreo cookie. FML. A 'normal' day for anyone else but for me--insanity.

I talked to a counselor yesterday morning about my desperation to get out of this situation. Just to be healthy. To end not only my disordered eating but my disordered thinking. He suggested I start a journal--ha! x) I told him I already write so that was good. He sees benefits in the way that I think though--the fact that I know my behaviors are wrong is a good thing.

But he says I should tell my mom what a struggle I'm going through, but she's already dealing with so much. Plus she has lot rent to pay, and there's a lot of crap going on with her. . . So I'd feel guiltier telling her.

Annnd...secretly I really want to get under my UGW, which will only take a few more months so I'm kinda...Idk. Kinda mixed. Rather not purge ever again, but if I starve... I dunno if I can keep that disciplined though. The B/P cycle is really ingrained, and so is the guilt after I eat. So maybe not yet.

The other side of that coin is that I don't have money for the treatment my counselor wants. He doesn't seem to understand that free counseling is my only option. That and antidepressants : / But he's not an expert in eating disorders and doesn't know how to approach it anyway.

Anyone have any ideas?