No idea

I'll weigh later when I'm naked. I weighed with clothes on and a lot of water in my body and a bit of lunch and I was still a couple lb under 160 so I'm hoping that's the case. Took laxes last night but not a lot happened. I just want to clean meself out. Been drinking a lot more water and gonna start deep conditioning my hair. Getting to the point where my body's failing...not good. : ( I'm not even skinny yet.

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Looking forward to winter when I'll want hot tea all the time. Unfortunately cold weather means...: / Less natural heat to keep me warm. Hoping to be skinny by then though. I /need/ to make this happen.


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After spending an evening bitching me out, boyfriend finally confessed that he stole files off of my computer. Videos. My weight-loss video log. He claims he didn't watch them but it's the principle of the thing...he took my stuff without asking, my private intimate log : ( and he always gave me crap about it too. Always made me feel guilty for not trusting him when all along he had stolen my vids. : ( Idk how to feel about that, other than I can feel this relationship falling apart. I thought I could be with him for a long time but I'm very unhappy and this just isn't working out it seems. I can deal with it in the short term but long term I just don't know. But I know he's really in love with me... Just the other night he told me that he's never felt this way about anyone and he feels scared that I'm going to hurt him.

Well maybe I am : /

I don't know. But now I feel pressured. I wish we'd never said the 'L' word.
I guess you live and learn some days.

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The other night I was thinking and I miss my ex-boyfriend. I know he wasn't good for me. He was emotionally abusive. He didn't care that stuff hurt my feelings. He made me feel like the bad guy all the time, even when I was just saying my feelings were hurt. He always wanted sex, all the time. I know it's just a male hormone thing but it's like... he started saying stuff about if I 'teased' him and didn't follow through he'd be angry. And at times he would get really really pissed. Made me feel like I owed it to him or something.

But I guess I'm in that breakup stage where I gloss over the bad stuff and remember the good, like how I always knew how he'd respond. I knew his favorites. I knew what gifts to get him. I knew that if I said a joke he'd laugh, and I could really be myself around him.

With Boyfriend, I feel sometimes like that's not possible. I never know how he'll respond. If I joke he can take offense to it and gets super serious. And once he's angry there's no getting out of it.

I guess I've only known him half a year but... Still. I wish we'd have been friends first. He's jealous and telling me I can't be friends with this guy because the guy might have had a crush on me at some point. Honestly, I know he just feels threatened because the other guy is extremely good looking, he's a bit older than me (only a couple years) and our personalities mesh quite well. There's no way I'd ever cheat on Boyfriend, but he doesn't see it. I would date the other boy in question if ever the time came where I wanted to and he wanted to and things wouldn't be awkward, but I would obviously not do so while I was involved. I just can't do that.

I don't even think about it.

Grr.

Wtf ever.

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I flipped my shit last night. Haven't felt that way in a looong time. I just felt so angry, irrationally so. So hateful. Resentful. It was awful : ( I was so restless--I felt like I couldn't do anything to make the feeling go away. I felt hot. In despair. So depressed. Worthless. It came in waves.

So I decided that even though i'm not going back to group therapy right now, i'm going to the university counselor... : / idk how to talk to her about this though. so confusing.

i guess i've just never quite felt this depressed before.
awful.