Tuesday, August 31, 2010

158

Phew. I finally am feeling back in control of my life. Jebus. It was gettin a little dicey for awhile but I'm feeling better. I just have to get this newspaper assignment done and then I'll be home free. I have forty dollars for two weeks to sustain me--that's enough for as much baby food as I'll need plus whatever I have in flex works too.

Throwing the boyfriend off my trail by behaving well but last night I couldn't hide it when we went out for dinner. I just sat there staring at the menu full of things I couldn't eat and knew I wouldn't eat and I almost cried. He totally saw and he ordered me a house salad no dressing. I love him.

I didn't eat it all though because I had already had 390 calories for the day (yikes).
I should have though because then when he went to go get his books I had a mini-binge on salad. I got a greens salad with buffalo chicken on it with my meal plan and I chowed down the chicken like nobody's business. I managed to stop and didn't purge so that was good and I've been fine today so I'm not gonna be too down about it.

B: Apple Vanilla Mixed Grain Baby Food (80)
L: Water
D: Mango Smoothie Baby Food (60) with flaxseed (50) Some lettuce with a bit of dressing on from last night (40?)
Planned Snack: Special K Bar (90)
Total : 320

--edit--

Well idk what just happened but I had a jar of Nutella and I had like three spoonfuls of it so that's about 300 calories right there. Just fucking ruined my good day and now I feel like shit and I have no energy to just burn it off. Fuck. I threw that shit out though so I think I'm better. Glad I'm at least able to catch myself before I binge. Oy.

F: Nutella (250)
Total: 570

FUCK why do I do this. And then I sat there and had a fucking pre-binge panic attack for twenty minutes until Boyfriend got there--not that he knew about it but still. At least he understands--kinda. He said he'd rather have me not eat than puke. And of course in my brain that came out as "i'd rather have you skinny than average" but I know he just wants me to stop hurting myself.

You know and I read this stupid blog to myself sometimes and I think about how crazy I sound and yet my thoughts are still the same. I just want it to go away. I keep tricking myself into thinking that when I'm thin I'll be better but I know it's not true and that's just my ed talking but it's soooo enticing.

I just hate thinking about the lengths of time in between periods that I can eat. Like right now I'm not that hungry but I'm /craving/ something and idk what. Probably just want to chew something. I need to get some more gum and have it after my baby food 'meals' so I feel like I had something more. Fuck. I was doing so welllllll.

Arg. I guess it's not the end of the world--I still have a thousand calorie deficit or so. Tonight I'mma go to the sports center after work I think...if I have the time. Maybe I'll go to the one in the apartments instead. More private, esp. at that time of night.

If not I'm definitely going to work out in my room because I can't fucking stand this lipid cocoon I'm trapped in.

Monday, August 30, 2010

158.5?

Was at 158 last night, now at 159, so I'm going to assume that has to do with my water intake for today. Not to mention the almighty monthly gift that won't let me get rid of all this water weight. UGH.

Had a friend's birthday dinner last night and nearly had a panic attack at the table. Not even one healthy option on the goddamn menu. Got a diet pepsi and the california salad without candied pecans (CANDIED NUTS ON A SALAD OMFG KILL ME) and bleu cheese. And with minimal dressing. It was good but the worst part is that I ate two small dinner rolls without even thinking about it. I was like a robot--my friend just handed it to me and told me to eat it so I did. Other than that I did great all day; the baby food diet is wonderful. I get to eat tiny pre-portioned meals that consist of only wholesome ingredients in their pure form. Nomnomnom. And these actually taste decent. I'm kind of leery to try any of the cheese or meat ones though--maybe when I'm feeling more adventurous.

Today:
B: Salad and a couple bites of chicken salad sandwich (120?)
L: Fiber One Bar (90)
S: Yoohoo Box (100)
D: Mango Baby food with flax (80)
Total: 390 (Gr.)
Gonna try and avoid dinner tonight with B but I'm sure he'll at least make me share. : ( Might have one more baby food tonight, fifty calories or so if he doesn't make me eat.

I'm doing a lot better with purging--I haven't purged through vomiting in about a week. Doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. Yesterday after salad I went into the bathroom and tried but I guess I didn't eat enough 'cause nothing would come up. I was in a foul mood all night after that : ( Sigh.

Sadly, in place of purging I've just been getting more and more afraid of food. For example just now I counted up my calories and looked at my apple on my desk and thought "yeah, i could have that later." and immediately flipped cause that would put me over four hundred. Apparently my basal metabolic rate is 1572.6, according to bmi-calculator.net. So theoretically if I only stayed in bed all day and ate what I ate I'd still be at a deficit of 1182.6 calories for the day. I've been mildly active and I take the stairs all the time so I think I'm doing okay. Hopefully two or three pounds gone by this week.

I haven't been exercising because I haven't had the energy or motivation : / Idk what's wrong with me. I loved running over the summer and now that I'm back it's like I have absolutely no desire. I'm sure once all the stress of the first couple weeks is done it'll be better but still, I'm not liking it. Want to get rid of this nastiness. Ugh.


---Non ED News--

Boyfriend apologized and we had a really good couple of days. It got a bit dicey at one point but it's worked out for the best. He got really really really drunk and ended up staying over, needing me to take care of him. Sigh. : / I don't mind; it's a labor of love, but still, I'd rather have just gone to sleep! Haha.
He wants to go to dinner tonight--honestly I don't know why he always is asking me to dinner; he must just think that I'll eat with him. Or he doesn't know what else to do on a date. Sigh.

In a bit of a money rough patch atm. I have 59 dollars to get me by for about three weeks until I get my first paycheck from the newspaper and from my other job. I hate the first few weeks in a new place--it isn't quite home yet and everything's just so darn inconvenient!! Oh well, soon enough it will be sorted out and then I can go about my way. I just need to make sure I'm staying on top of school work : / Gotta get that article for the paper done--that's number one!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

159

My weight is still high but my body is changing.
Thank goodness. I measured today, and I'm smaller. I've also started having baby food as my meals. For example, for breakfast I'll have maybe a banana or some fruit or something, then for lunch I'll have a small pot of some sort of baby food. The pots are 50-100 calories so I can have one or two without freaking out. The fruit ones taste really good, haven't tried veggie ones, but I hear they are bland. It's a great way to keep my calories under control while still getting the vitamins and stuff I need and this way I feel less guilty and full after I eat. Plus, if for some reason I feel like I have to purge, baby food is super super soft and blended so it won't hurt me too bad. There aren't preservatives, additives, hormones, or antibiotics in organic baby food and it's only 1.00 for a pack with two pots in it. The jars are even cheaper at about .34-.65 depending on the type.

Just to mix it up I supplemented this dinner with some rice cakes, took a small bite of the peach-mango baby food then a bite of mini rice-cake, and so forth. And of course tons of water.

I'd feel perfect except this morning I had to eat cos we popped over to my buddy travis' apartment so I didn't really have a choice. Luckily I just picked at some pizza topping since they were all having waffles with syrup and butter and eggs. -dies-


Guess I'll start up with an intake journal again, just to make me feel guilty! Haha.

B: Toppings off of some pizza (better than a waffle -gag-) idk, - 230?
L: Banana - 90
S: 1/2 Banana - 45
D: 1 Pot peach mango baby food and mini rice cakes - 120

Total: 485 (Death)

Tomorrow's goal: 300-400

--

Non-ED News:

Well the boy and I had our first legitimately good day today, all day. Cheerful, loving, cuddling, hugging, good times. Hopefully tonight will go smoothly; I hope I didn't just curse myself.

Sigh.

Friday, August 27, 2010

159 Feeling Better

Not at my lowest weight but underneath 160 for a few days. Retaining water like a motherfucker. Ugh I hate getting my period. It's just there, lurking, in the distance. Gah. I hate feeling all poufy.

Anyway as you might have read, I had a mini-break down the other day after being essentially forced to come to lunch at this really awful on-campus restaurant. Even the salads are awful. My friend was suspicious so I got this sandwich thing but I didn't know how to eat it. I have lost all sense of what is a normal portion. I eat MY 'normal' portion but it looks like too little compared to what she ate and then she looks at me weird. So then I eat more but I don't know when to stop. And then even if I'm full I finish mine if she does just so I don't look weird even though i know it's perfectly ok to not finish.

UGH.

I panicked so much, I threw up til it hurt, and then I lied to everyone about it.
Oh and then I took six laxative pills and went to bed. Fuck me.


Then the boyfriend comes over, I think we're having a nice cuddly night because the other day we had a discussion where I mentioned that I think we don't spend enough quality time together because we're ever only having sex. Not that I mind sex, it's just I feel like he's using me for it sometimes even if that's not the case. So I figured we'd go a few days without. Well he got cranky (after less than 24 hours) and he keeps asking me for it; idk if I should be so annoyed. I know he's just a hormonal male but it still bothered me. So this morning when he asked me i just picked up his shirt and trousers and tossed them on him and told him "Good thing I don't have to swipe my keycard to let you out. You know where the door is."

He lurked around for a bit but finally left. I don't want to be a frosty bitch or anything but really. A little respect! Come /on/.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

THATS IT

Fuck. I cannot take this anymore. Fuck mealtimes, fuck impressing my friends, fuck lying to everyone. I'm just not doing it. I'm not going to eat at meals if I don't want to. I'm not going to go if I don't want to. If I want to lock myself in a room and starve for a week that's what I'm going to do.

FUCK.

Screw being healthy, screw you and your attitude, screw your bitchy comments, screw your unforgiving eye, screw your fucking fake pity and concern.

I don't need it.

I'm going into overdrive. That's it. I can't stand this fat anymore. It needs to go. I need to get rid of it, and to be clean. I literally am going insane just from looking at myself. I hate it. I can't stand it.

I hate touching it, feeling it, seeing it on my bones, seeing even the slightest jiggle. I can't--won't--take it anymore. No more caving to pressure from friends, no more food situations, no more skipping class to secretly binge/purge, no more.

I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care how dizzy I feel. I don't care. I just know this needs to be gone.

I don't want to get better.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Fuck.

Fuck.

Monday, August 23, 2010

161

No change from yesterday, probs cause I had a nasty dinner. Ew. Mkay tonight I'm shaving my legs--that's how serious I am about working out more! Haha. I know I won't go above and beyond if I'm all hot in pants or something so here it goes. Runnin' time.

http://freethinker.co.uk/2009/11/19/row-erupts-over-humanist-poster-in-belfast/

This makes me so angry. Why is it that when some Jesus freak tells me that I need to be a Christian it's fine, but if I go round saying "No worries, there's no god, just try to be good and enjoy life." they flip their shit?

Arg.

Still no sign of my roommate--thank goodness. But this room is awfully empty...and quiet. Guess I won't have problems exercising here or weighing myself. And! I have my own bathroom suite so B/P sessions won't be on public display.


Anyway that's all for now. Hopefully my weight is down by tomorrow.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

161

Welllll I'm all moved in to school and my dormitory is all set up. My room's nice, kinda big and empty without my roommate though. Had a binge today, triggered by my friends--grr. But that's ok, tomorrow's a new day, and I'm going to work hard.

It's really awkward because people keep saying OMG YOU LOST WEIGHT YOU LOOK GREAT etc. I'm like well I'm fucked up so I guess that's the trade-off. I'm not even thin yet. Which means I must have been a FUCKING LARD-ASS before. Gah.

That's ok I'm going to show them just how good I can look.

--

Boyfriend is driving me crazy. He wants to see me like every second of every day. Arg. He lies about everything, just small things. I know he's making shit up but it's like why do you have to do that? I like you the way you are, stop trying so hard. Augh.

ANYWAY

He's just being super clingy since we've got back to school and he blames it on the knowledge that he won't be able to see me a lot during the school year cause he'll be so busy, which is fine. I don't mind long distance relationships, even if they're on the same campus. I'm independent and I like my privacy--he doesn't get that. Plus he doesn't trust me at all even though I've never done anything to betray him : / Augh whaaatever. It's lax time -- getting rid of all the bad in my life one day at a time.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

No idea

Just ate half an omelette and some hash browns. Had to go to breakfast with mum after jury duty summons.

I told her it was fine but I'm about to go take extra milk of magnesia just to make sure it's all out after and hopefully not eat for three fucking days cause I want to fucking die because of what i just ate. I felt like some sort of animal sitting there chowing away at the restaurant and now I feel bloated and disgusting but I can't purge through vomiting because I can't risk getting broken blood vessels in my eyes and on my face right now : /

FECK. Oh well there is no time like the present.

156

Phew back down again thank goodness. Oy. This is making me crazy. Er.


Felt guilty about starving myself in front of the family and my boyfriend so I ate some potatoes.

Tossed them up in the bathroom after no one was looking but hopefully that'll put them off my tail for a bit.

Hopefully the number's lower tomorrow still, since all I consumed were two home made fresh fruit smoothies today.


Court tomorrow for violation of jury duty call--and it wasn't even my fault. UGH. Hopefully they'll just see it as an oversight and I'll just get to go. Oy.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

demotivational fun

http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/imagesun-motivation.jpg

161

I don't even deserve to write here today because my weight is so high. This morning I kind of carb-loaded after not sleeping for 48 straight hours, then I slept after a long drawn out argument with B.

He doesn't understand that I'm not going to hurt him, at least intentionally. He is so convinced I'm going to cheat on him or leave him high and dry like the others did that I can't get him to believe me because he doesn't trust me.

I told him I wouldn't drink if he didn't--I think he's afraid of alcoholism. But I meant I wouldn't just go out and get wasted for fun. I went to have a beer with a few friends (just because I like beer for the taste and quality value, not to get drunk, mind you) because it was my last day of work at that place and he found out what I was doing and drove all the way to the guy's house and picked me up.

Of course I just bent to his will because that's what I do. I cried, he said hurtful things, I cried more, he finally admitted he was a dick, then we moved on and had a great breakfast and good conversation.

I think he just wants me to feel something, and he does it to get a rise out of me. I can't feel, he knows that. Obviously if I dealt with emotions properly I wouldn't have this stupid ED in the first place. Idk I'm not really angry--I am perfect for him because I enjoy the abuse and he likes to hurt people. Sad but true.

He gives me the satisfaction of punishment for my supposed sins and I provide him with a figurative punching bag to get out his frustrations.

I don't know if it's healthy--it probably isn't--but then again what about my life actually is?

All I know is this week I don't have to work so I know there isn't a danger of me scarfing down all that nasty shit at work or having excess dairy, etc.

It's sad I'm looking forward to starving.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Nearly 160?

After drinking water water water all day and having a hamburger with friends. I originally only ate it to prove a point but now I feel dreadful. Guess it's tons of running tomorrow. I'll be tiny yet, just you wait bitches.

It's ok, tomorrow I'm closing with the boys so I hopefully won't be able to eat much. Gonna do something with my hair but idk what yet--i'm just tired of being the same.

... in other news my boyfriend bought a pet rabbit. sigh.
-.-


anyway moving along.

i'm just tired cranky and bitter from having eaten and i couldn't get rid of it because they were all watching--GRR fuck.

i hate myself right now but tomorrows another day i guess.
and it's payday.
w00.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

155.5

Ok I'm being a little gratuitous here. I couldn't make myself believe it was down another lb so I added half back.

PS I have a confession to make--I'm actually ten lb lighter than what I say I am, but I set my scale to add ten back to keep me motivated and on the right course.

Bad?

Haha I know it's ridic, and I know I know in my head the scale is wrong but still seeing the number makes me work harder and sometimes I forget that that's not my real weight which pushes me even more.

--

Alright well I've gone and done it again. I am definitely in love with this stupid boy. I don't know how this happened but I like it. I'm pretty sure I could spend my life with him--if only we had more similar goals. I don't want to change mine but I don't want him to change his either. : / Life is weird.

He's not all about the marriage and whatnot, which is good 'cause I'm not either. I feel that two people can live together and have joint things and a home and maybe a family without being married. His family does it. And mine does the opposite. They are married but act like they're not so yeah. I guess it works both ways. See--thing is, I'd like to have a wedding in a pretty Cahill Beverly Hills 1950's wedding dress x) I don't want it to be anything religious or in a church or anything but maybe somewhere pretty with a view and some natural scenery would be nice. Idk. I'm just hoping to hit the lottery or something so I can put it in my bank account. x)

--

In other news I made myself a really really delish smoothie. It was small enough to be safe but dense enough to be filling. It's 1 part frozen mango to one part milk with 2 scoops unflavoured whey protein powder and 1.5 tbsp of ground organic flaxseed. Yummy AND really filling.

Not for everyday--too calorie-dense--but still pretty good for a breakfast treat. I think the rest of the day I'm going to have a packet of oatmeal (100 cal) and a strawnana smoothie with soy milk (200 cal?)

Kind of a high-cal day but still okay since the stuff I am having is fresh, right?

Tomorrow's payday. Got some tickets for the state fair to take my boyfriend to see his favorite band play live but he has to work now. : ( So that sucks. Ah well maybe we can do something else.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

156

Hell yes.
Even though I'm sure it's just water weight, at least I'm under for a couple days in a row. Going to go on a run tomorrow in the am to hopefully burn a few extra cals. Doing all I can to burn burn burn burn.


Talking to B today and he was telling me there's minimal difference between size eight (which is what I am) and size two (which is what I want to be). He doesn't understand. Size eights don't get to be tiny and delicate, but size twos do.

He means well but I am getting suspicious of him. I'm always almost offended when he says I'm pretty, because it's most definitely a lie. A big fat lie.

FUCK.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

159

Proud of myself and also depressed about last night.
Couldn't force myself to eat anything without crying.
The obvious downside is that this nastiness is back and it's not just weight loss anymore. I don't think it ever really was but now at least I'm acknowledging it.

Probably the other day at work when I had a small egg white wrap and then immediately booked it to the bathroom and spent my entire lunch break shoving my hand down my throat was when I realized.

And B if you're reading this...I love you. Please don't make me take this blog down. Stop reading it and forget you ever saw it. I'm so ashamed.

Miu

Bleh

it's pathetic

i open my cabinets, ravenous
starving
like an animal...

so hungry i feel i might pass out.
hunger pangs driving me up the wall.
acid leaping at my throat.

and yet i just stare blankly into the cabinet.

he holds me to console me while i cry, but
i see in his eyes the question

:

"Why is it so hard?"


Answer.

ANSWER


:

"Because I'll never be beautiful."

Monday, August 9, 2010

161 Score-ness

Going to run again. I know I did an hour this morning but I wanna do two more miles. That'll be about 200 more calories, I think. Hopefully. Also I want to do a time trial to check my mile time.

I ate...nibbles of this and that today. And like seven thin-mint cookies 'cause they're delish. Lots of coffee...lots of water.

Meh it wasn't so bad. I just wish I didn't nibble.

Oh and a banana!!

Hopefully I won't have to eat for the rest of the day but I always feel bad starving the boyfriend. I'll just take mine to go I think... Won't matter if I'm paying... right?

Hell Yes

managed to get myself up and going for a run at four am. four miles, no big deal but still it's a little more than I planned. gonna try to go again this afternoon or this evening but b will be here : (

i love him being here but yanno. crazy habits can't abound con el aqui.

deje de tomar mis prozac y creo que voy a estar bien... talvez.

bleh.

quizas si dejo de tomarles voy a emocionarme mas frequentamente...? que si.



que te vayan bien <3
miu

Phew -- 161

Ok good. Water weight. Gotta be at work in three hours. HA! x) Stayin awake to burn cals w00t.

--

I am so confused. Everytime I leave the bathroom with a nosebleed or lie about having eaten already a part of me dies because I know I'm only hurting those around me.

But when I pause for a moment to entertain the thought of living normally, it seems so ludicrous.

How could I ever be normal? Eat normally? Be fat? Happy?

I don't understand people. How can they NOT focus on what they eat? They have it so easy--they just live day to day. Fuck them.

My teeth and hair are falling out and you're eating a sandwich.

RUDE.

Arg it's so comical but so frustrating at the same time.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

162?

Welllll I can't say I'm too surprised--I was fairly dehydrated the other day but yanno such is life.

Once I start getting consistent measurements under 160 I'll celebrate again.
Hmm gonna do some crunches--I ate like a fat whore today, at least a thousand calories ugh if not more. : (

--

Ok in my head I realize how ridic that sounds-- 1k calories is half of what a normal person should eat daily but I flip out if I go over 500.

FUCK.

I want those days back where I couldn't go over a hundred without the shame and guilt I feel now.

Well that's not true--I don't really want them back but it'd be easier for awhile if I just wasn't around food.

Ok. Tomorrow I'm gonna be really good. Skim milk strawberry banana smoothie and water allllll morning, run tomorrow afternoon for a few hours. Should be good <3

Yesss.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

159

I am only defined by my weight.
I am only a number on a scale.
I am only as good inside as I am thin on the outside.

If I am not thin, then I am weak.
If I am not thin, then I am ugly.
If I am not thin, then I have no control.

I feel pressured to be thin.
I feel pressured to control my intake.
I feel pressured to exercise.

Nobody cares if I am thin.
Nobody cares if I have bulimia.
Nobody cares if I don't eat.

That's why I have to make them care.

I will be so thin that it's scary.
I will be so thin that they can't help but stare.
I will be so thin that they'll notice.

I won't be fat forever.
I won't let my body trap me.
I won't let my body lie to me.

I am the only one responsible for my weight.
I am the only one who can control what I eat.
I am the only one who says whether I can be thin or not.


----

I was just looking through all of my posts and it's hard to believe that it took me a whole month to lose those stubborn 12 lb. Seems ridiculous but I know there are people who struggle to lose one or two a week. Eight lb in a month?? Seriously? No way Jose.

To me 12 in a month seems so little. I don't feel like I've changed at all. I can see no visible change in my body and nobody has said anything to me. I've lost almost 24 lb altogether and I can't really see a change. It's ridiculous. FUCK my life I just wanna be skinny. Right now I'm starving from running on an empty stomach and I like it but I just don't want the burn today.

Ok it subsided a bit.

But really I think I might go nuts if I don't start seriously losing. I need to stay on track.

I am thinking about just not going to Starbucks in the fall. If I stay away from there I won't be tempted. But the money is soooo good. But I really only need my on-campus job. Augh why is it so complicated. : / Maybe I'll just have the newspaper and my 9 hour work week and focus on getting thin and class stuff. Siiiiigh.

Drumrolllllll

159 : )

Annnnd score, under my goal. TBH I'm probably a little dehydrated but whatever I'm still happy. I'm starving and I jogged/walked six miles already today and I'm gonna work all night tonight so I won't stop moving. Just gotta keep from being hungry or at least make a game out of going forever without food. : ) Sounds good.

Stretches, lunges, etc each time I go to the bathroom or in the back room. Gotta burn those cals.

Next is gonna be 155. Yess.

160?

SO CLOSE

To getting there.

So close to winning. To getting under my first goal.

: )

I know that when i wake up and esp. after running I will be there.

Yes.

Friday, August 6, 2010

163

But I am pretty sure it's still 161 b/c I have barely eaten anything in the last two days, maybe 1600 cals including liquids and I've walked walked walked in the city.

I have a ton of water and coffee and tea in my body right now so I'm PREEEETTTTYYYY sure that's what all the weight is. So I am hoping that by tomorrow I'm 160!!

I will be soooo happy : ) I think I might do an hour of running today just in case to make sure I get under. Omg if I'm under I think I'll die of happiness. I'll just be thaaat much closer to goal. Maybe I can lose seven more before going back to school. Ten if I do super super good each day. Starving obviously is not enough. Maybe I need to work out even more : ( But I'm scared 'cause I think I'm losing it a bit. I was doing ok for awhile but I'm pretty sure I'm losing touch. I'm starting to think being 120 won't be enough. I know it won't.

Can't wait to hit the 150's.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

161

Getting so close. I didn't know I was that close or I'd not have eaten the shit I did today. But I'll be up and running all day tomorrow so it's not so bad. I'll do crunches before I go over to Mexi's.

But I can start to see my hipbones.

And if my ribs are this visible at this weight I can't wait to see what they look like in forty lb. Really all it takes is hard work and dedication like I've got.

Hard to believe I've already lost almost 24 lb! Too bad I feel like I can't see a thing ; (

Seriously is it just that bad? I feel like I haven't lost any weight at all, but I must have. My clothes are big on me and the scale doesn't lie...does it?

Or was I just so FUCKING FAT that my weightloss doesn't show?

Bleh

I ate a big mac today and i fucking enjoyed it.

i'll hate it tomorrow but today i fucking loved it

oh ps why am i such a whore?

miu

Sunday, August 1, 2010

164

FECK

Well I ate like a whore today

Or else it just feels that way.

I guess I didn't do so bad--dinner was a little much but eh it was healthy stuff mostly all natural so I guess it's not so bad after all. Didn't run today, was too tired. Will try to do so tomorrow but idk, seximexi will be here so we'll probs just sleep all day : )

and i'm ok with that

b, i really like hanging out with you but i am not sexually attracted to you despite the fact that you would be a great genetic match for my kids and you have the same life goals as I do.

i just wanna have a crush on someone. : ( is that so bad?