No Idea

So in my depression at being at '160'--which was probably just carb water bloat from the low-fat subway veggie sub i had but still--i ate 1/3 of a jar of rainbow chip frosting, and then i tossed my cookies in my bathroom.
the scary thing is that it was much easier than usual. i have pretty much no gag reflex, and i usually purge through exercise, so when i do feel like i have to vomit it's often a lengthy and tedious process. This was a ten minute episode and after i felt exhilarated. Fuck. : / Kind of scares me a little.

I wonder if I'm going insane. I eat nothing for a week and i lose nothing, I eat one meal and I gain five lbs. Is my metabolism really that screwy? All I know is that I need to get back on my regimen tomorrow. I hate that sort of thing, and i hate the fact that I'm intentionally starving myself, but it's either that or binge and purge and frankly my throat hurts, my face is puffy, and my eyes have broken blood vessels and my knuckles are scarred up and i hate it.


so no more of that.

the saddest part is a few days ago i thought to myself...this isn't so bad. this body. it's better than what i had before. i could live with it.

i believed that for a couple of days. i avoided mirrors. i avoided the scale. then i gave into temptation and stepped on the scale and all hell broke loose.

boyfriend says hes' glad we've been getting along so well recently. he doesn't realize it's because i hate myself. because i see him looking at thinner girls. commenting on my breasts and how they've gotten smaller. saying that my shoes look weird. or that he doesn't like my shirt. or saying how all these girls are cute all the time.

i'm not jealous, per se, i just wish he wouldn't tell me. it just makes me feel bad about myself. i don't care if he looks, i just don't want to know about it : /

he gets mad when he shows up and i'm irritable
but it's because i've just eaten a FUCKING JAR OF FROSTING AND THEN PUKED IT UP.

fuck. my. life.

goddamn.