162

Yes back to my lowest weight since I ballooned to 185 thanks to my good buddy bulimia.

BUCK FULIMIA

Anyway I guess I'm probably just dehydrated but it's still nice. Also I'm on my period so I feel like I'm retaining water--hopefully in two or three days that will all disappear too and I'll get under 160 by mid-week if not sooner. Yeah!

Don't really have time for a lengthy run today since I have to work all day and work super early in the am but I think when I get back from dropping off my sister I'll do some yoga or something for core and my arms cause I've been kind of lacking in that department.

NonED BS-

So here's what's going on in my life. My boyfriend, who is kind of ridiculous, lives in the ghetto with his illegal immigrant family. They have this adorable house and they work super hard to maintain everything. Boy is caught between that life and this one, which is all-american and is full of challenges and life. I don't think we'll ever have the same goals. I'm a world traveler and I plan to remain that way until I can't move any more. He'd travel but I think he wants vacations, and his extent of traveling is to Mexico and back. I met this other guy whose interests align with mine so perfectly, but I'm not physically attracted to him at all. The spark just isn't there. It's a friendship spark but you know how that is. I'd be happy as a clam to be his friend but I know he's totally crushing on me and wants wayyy more than that.

Can I establish the friend zone without hurting his feelings? And can I have a travel buddy like him forever? What if he just ended up being my lifelong partner without romantic involvement? I could live with that.

But B just hasn't done anything to warrant me breaking up with him. He accepts my addiction, my ED, and my craziness. He tries to help as much as he can but he backs off when I need it. He gives me space and he still keeps his friends. He's almost too good.

I just feel like...he could be the one for me but what else is out there? And I guess if he really was the one for me I wouldn't have all these questions.

Hmm.

Why do I have this problem all the time?

Aaaaaaaand ran six miles. Can you say CALORIE DEFICIT!?

Hell yes. I'm so glad I love running. This is going to be good. I just have to control myself at work.

164

Was doing so well then went to bww with the family. Had a kids' naked tenders lunch. I thought it was really awful but it's not as bad as I thought.

Tenders - 129 cal
Fries (ew) - 280 cal
Odds n Ends - 180 cal
---

Total - 589

A whole day's worth but not awful considering. Thinking I'mma do some exercise tonight and keep up with my lack of food tomorrow. Don't have to see the fam or anyone else that eats so I'll be ok.

Other: Caramel Mach from Sbux - 105 cal
Raspberries 190 cal
Total - 295 cal

Grand Total - 884 Cal

Still under a thousand. But wish it were under five hundred. Two hundred is my goal tomorrow. Gonna be a challenge.

165

At least I'm officially under 170. Now I just need to lose five more and get under 160. Luckily I have a convenient work week schedule so I always will have time to run. When I don't I'll still have time to move around and do something. Today I think I will have light snacks of fruits and vegetables to keep my metabolism up and I'll stay hydrated with water and some powerade and maybe I'll make some iced tea with almond in it to distract me.

I'm going to the Farmers' Market on Saturday morning before work hopefully. It sounds like fun--besides I'm running out of time to do it and I have not gone at all this summer : ( I'll try to bring my mom, that way we'll get in some happy time before I go back and before she freakin loses it.


Grocery List:
Wheat germ
Rice Cakes (lo- cal ones)
Coke Zero (Case)
Shirataki noodles? If I can find them.
Green Peppers

Edit : 166

Can't weigh myself for a few more minutes, til my mom goes back to work. I told her a few days ago about my problem and now she's watching me like a hawk. FML.

She found my laxatives and saw my milk of magnesia and now she's freaking out. I know she's just concerned but I'm not abusing them--I honestly need them since nothing's going in or coming out.

Fuck I should never have told her. I don't care. Goddamn. Well at least I'll be going back to school in a couple weeks so I can get back to my normal habits without being watched.

Can't wait to be thinner.
<3

Edit:

Fuck I'm stuck at 166, it won't go down. Tonight I'm running for two hours once the sun goes down a bit and I'm only gonna drink water for the rest of the day and take milk of magnesia after I get back from my run.


Gonna start writing my daily exercise here as a reminder to really do it. The goal is to do it right after I write it down to make it real and doable.

Today's To-Do
Run 2 Hrs
600 Crunches (Sets of 50)
10 Mins Star Jumps (Sets of 1 Min)
60 Lunges each side (Sets of 15)
20 Pushups (Sets of 5)
100 Leg Lifts each side(Sets of 20)
5 Minute Abs Workout YouTube


Today's Don't-Do
Eat
Be a slave to food.
Be a fat bitch.
Be an ugly whore.
Be a nasty slut.

166

Blehh
All I ate today was a sausage muffin and some mac n cheese.
Liquid cals include only door county cherry cider which is totally worth it.

Drove up to WI for the night on a spur of the moment trip. It was nice but I felt myself growing tired and not wanting to tell him.

I think I am falling for this boy.

Monday Measurements

Bust: 36
Hips: 37 (death)
Waist: 29 (death)
Thighs: 23 (death)
Arms: 11 (meh)

166

I am only defined by my weight.
I am only a number on a scale.
I am only as good inside as I am thin on the outside.

If I am not thin, then I am weak.
If I am not thin, then I am ugly.
If I am not thin, then I have no control.

I feel pressured to be thin.
I feel pressured to control my intake.
I feel pressured to exercise.

Nobody cares if I am thin.
Nobody cares if I have bulimia.
Nobody cares if I don't eat.

That's why I have to make them care.

I will be so thin that it's scary.
I will be so thin that they can't help but stare.
I will be so thin that they'll notice.

I won't be fat forever.
I won't let my body trap me.
I won't let my body lie to me.

I am the only one responsible for my weight.
I am the only one who can control what I eat.
I am the only one who says whether I can be thin or not.


----

Every time I eat I get stomach cramps. I don't know if it's a mental or physical problem. I should just stop and deal with the hunger. I know it will be bad for two or three days but then it will subside so if I can just get past that three day fasting hump again I'll be ok.

I'll be clean!
Skinny.
Thin.
Light.
Beautiful.
Delicate.
Gorgeous.
Bony.
Tiny.
Elegant.
Lithe.
Catlike.

The envy of all girls who ever thought I was overweight.

167? Idk.

I think I'm starting my period soon or something because I've been retaining water like insanely bad. I just feel puffy.

I sure as hell hope I'm not pregnant because that is going to fucking suck. Well it wouldn't if I had a dependable job and everything but seriously. K.

ANYWAY.

Drank soymilk today. Ate a reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich today with egg white and whole wheat muffin, didn't eat the whole muffin, only 1/3 of the turkey bacon and 1/2 of the cheese. Whole it was 320 calories or something so I probably only ate 250 ish or so.

Soymilk was probably like three hundred calories total. FUCK I need to stop drinking that shit. 550 calories for the day and counting. Going to just drink water for the rest of the day I think.

166? Idk

Meh I drank a lot of soymilk today. (3oo)
I ate a panini (400)
I ate grilled cheese (900)
I ate graham crackers with chocolate on. (170).
I drank some milk. (110)

I didn't exercise.

I probs burned about 2k cals today just living.
I ate 1880.

FUCK.

And fuck you, Starbucks for taking away my willpower.
Working = boring and free drinks lying around.

FUCK.

Well I only work five hours tomorrow so I guess that's ok. I'll be doing some serious exercise manana I think. I should anyway. I'm such a filthy fatass. Goodbye, under 160 by the end of the week.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW YOU STUPID FAT COW?

162 lb, 23.9 BMI

Well I can't say I've learned my laxative lesson because laxies make my stomach toss and turn and make me not want to eat. Plus they clean me out like whoa so : / It's kind of depressing being addicted to such a pathetic pill.

161, 162, 163? Hard to tell. Eeek I could be under 160 by the end of the week!!!

<3

Omg I can't wait.

After 160 then it's 155!!!!

Yikes I shouldn't be so elated.

I'm starting to do a daily BMI too.

162 Mothafuckas

Ok so I realize that dehydration and starvation aren't long-term answers but this morning I weighed 167 and voila, 162 tonight when I'm about to go to bed.

As long as I can stick to lo-cal fluids tomorrow I should be down again!

YES

168?

Fat fat fat fat fat fat

go away

NEVER COME AGAIN

you're disgusting

i hate you

i hate myself

i hate everything

i'm addicted to laxatives

they don't make me feel good

i want to tell you so you'll know how fucked up i am

but i don't want to tell you cause then you'll know how fucked up i am

FUCK.

Fifty Posts, Fifty Problems

I don't post every single day but this is my fiftieth post. Well, the last one was. This is 51. I have eaten 300ish calories of nutella today. Worth it. 1/4th of a ham sandwich...that was probably 60 cals ish? Drinking a lite soymilk and vanilla rooibos tea latte, probably 160 calories.

Kind of a hi-cal day but whatever. It'll get worse tonight probs when the boy and i go out to dinner with the Mex.

But this tooth thing is a good way to avoid food. It hurts like a bitch plus it's a good excuse.

166?

165

Success, was just water/binge weight. Getting back down. And now I luckily don't want to eat because I have this fucking exposed nerve in my mouth.

FUCK

It hurts like a bitch but I did it to myself with all this purging so I kind of deserve it.

169? Again

Well I have hopped back on the control bandwagon. Talked myself out of eating a sandwich today, had only a smoothie and will drink water and diuretics all day long, maybe some fruit.

It's going to be better. I'll be thin yet!

The plan for tonight is to do upper body and run. I'll run once the sun goes down--its' wayyy too hot right now.I'll be exercising all day though so hopefully my cals will be put to good use.

169? Idk

Only weighed myself once today after ingesting a bunch of nasty food I didn't even want. Tomorrow I'm water fasting, coffee, tea, etc. Diuretics and a smoothie for lunch so I can work out. Considering waking up at three am to go jogging. Fml.


Idk what my problem is.

OH WAIT

IT's ED-NOS, I almost forgot.
Fuck.

Though I always say I'd never want to go back, I'm starting to miss anorexia. I'd rather starve than purge.

Daily struggle.

Goddamnit.

In other news, had a great time with that guy B last night. Stayed out til three just talking after the movie. I'm pretty sure he's in love with me by this point ; )
He gave me a gift.
Owly goodness.

But I can't give up my seximexi. I know he's crazy sometimes, possessive, jealous. But I can deal with it right now. But when it gets out of control I will leave him.

169-170

After a binge day yesterday where I probably consumed 3k calories I have gained.

I'm sure it will be gone soon once I fucking SHIT for once jeebuz.

Yesterday I was overcome with cramps and felt like i had to shit IMMEDIATELY in a dressing room no less. It's disgusting but I happened to have a plastic makeup bag with me at the time so i just bent over and went into that and threw it out in a trash can. I feel awful but I had no choice--its' that or shit my pants. It was awful, I cried, I wanted to die even though nobody knew.

And today I'm having a fat day. FUCK.

So time to get it moving.

Once Im' at school I'll be fine haha. that's the sad part. If I'm by myself I just don't eat 'cause I'm too lazy.

SIGH


Fml.

166

Oddly didn't do that much damage. Enema yesterday, with laxies. Gonna take some more today.

Ironically I had one of the best orgasms of my life last night while having anal sex. I guess it's all about the size. Smaller's better in this case. Tmi? Oh def ; )

Going today to pick up a book and discuss a date with someone who is not my boyfriend.

Oh life.

Need to exercise today, but I feel good because I'm empty. Don't wanna ruin it with food.

169

Well that's what I get for fucking up.
Yesterday I ate a burrito and chicken and fries. Burrito because I just did because I'm fucking stupid, and chicken n fries cause i was with the mex and he bought dinner and i felt so guilty i had to eat. Worked out yesterday but it doesn't matter because I fucked up so bad today.

Today:
Spinach Feta Eggwhite wrap: 280 calories
Venti Soy Chai = 400 calories ish
Grande Double CC frap = 400 calories
Two chicken wings = 160 calories? idk
Chocolate covered graham crackers, 2 pkgs= 340 calories
BINGE DAY LIKE WHOA

1180 calories
That's about three hours of running. GOOD JOB YOU FILTHY SLUT.

FUCK YOU YOU STPID WHORE.

Fasting all day tomorrow. It's my day off. YAY! Don't have to be around food. I took three laxies just a moment ago, and I'll take two more tonight, clean myself out tomorrow all day since I'm off work, then on Friday I'll be busy going downtown n shopping with the mex so i won't need food : ) Jamba juice here I come. I'll go running tonight when the sun goes down.

165-66

Hovering around this weight but now I know it is my true weight, since it's been at a steady for about a week now. Not a ton of water fluctuation so that's good.

Worked out, ran 1.5 miles in 15 mins today, pretty decent considering i haven't been training. Stretched, did some abs, some lunges. Need to work on more.

Met this guy I work with, B, and we randomly got to talking yesterday at work. I always liked him but we talked about our secret passions, our likes, and they are so similar it's scary. We both have ambitious travel plans, can't do a nine to five, and are waiting until later to settle down. He has a good job, comes from a good family, great guy.

I still love my little mexican man though : ) B is just my friend, for now.

166 bitches. If I could just stop ingesting liquid calories I'd be fine. Need to work on my willpower.

165

Finally, the plateau is broken by five days shitting water after eating bad mexican food. Dietary failure = Dietary success

Went to Pepe's last night, worst Mexican food i've ever seen. It's one of those nasty touristy chain restaurants. Blech. I'll take El Burrito Loco any day.

Plus I go with my darling love and he orders for me anyway.

I swear he gets more beautiful as the days go by. I love his dark skin, he hates it. I hate my pale skin, he loves it. : ) Situational irony.

Finally I have lost weight again after struggling, gaining, and maintaining for over a month. I was so excited to break 180, then 170, now I'm thrilled to get to 160. Thennnn 150.

Then 40. 30. 20.

Then who knows. By then I'll be so fucked it won't matter. Only forty lbs to go.

I feel like I'm never getting smaller. I can see it in some ways but still I feel like no matter how much I lose I'm never smaller, never small enough.

I will never be small enough. At least I'll look pretty in my casket.

166

Score, getting common weights under. That means my true weight is under 170. My mother doesn't even know but she keeps harassing me about calories and fat every single time I look sideways at a piece of food. Moving back to school in a month and a half.

Blehh.

Also found out a couple days ago that I took my boyfriend's virginity. -.-;

I had no idea. Fuck. Now I feel like an old sneaky cougar or something.


Siiiigh bad decisions. Eating fruit today and water and tea and coffee, diuretics only all day.

169

SUCK IT EATING DISORDER

FUCK YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING PROBLEM
I NEED YOU AND I HATE IT


FUCK.



Anyway, I'm 169 today so still under 170. Thank GAWD. Can't wait to be 150, won't take long. If I can do ten I can do twenty. Exercise tonight then sleep then exercise tomorrow morning, SERIOUSLY you're a fucking whore if you don't. And then work. FUUUUCK. But that means no evening cravings.