100 Posts

I feel that after 100 of something there ought to be a celebration.

Yet as I sit here at work drinking diet soda with an empty pit for a stomach I can't find anything worth celebrating. It gets worse. And worse.

This weekend I let myself eat. And my 'let myself' I mean I ate one 'normal' meal a day for two days in a row. : / I feel like it's a start. But tomorrow is Monday and that means back to the daily grind. I haven't gained everything back so I'm happy but still fearful. Can't wait to get below 155 consistently.

My plan is to get in the gym. Recently I've been feeling the compulsion to go to the gym every day but I've been trying to ignore it. But it's chewing at me and I think tomorrow's the day I give in. I'd have gone today but I ended up spending the day with a new friend and then did work all night : ( Tomorrow morning and tomorrow night I'll go to the gym... Maybe Boyfriend will want to work out together! How fun would that be? He's wayyyy stronger but I can run wayyyy further. Maybe I'll ask him tomorrow. Meanwhile I ingested less than a thousand calories today but I wish it was less than 500. I'm sure it isn't though. I'm not going to post a food diary today because it's embarrassing, but just know that tomorrow I'm strictly back on the baby food plan.

Tomorrow -
3 Pots Baby Food 250 cal
2 Hours at Gym -600 cal?
1 Snack 50 cal

Tomorrow we're lookin at a deficit, hopefully. I'll feel much less stressed out once I get back on track : /

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Ya know, I try to talk to Boyfriend about it and he's really supportive of trying to help me but he doesn't get how embarrassing and shameful it is. : / I HATE this ED but I feel so helpless within it, and I don't think he understands. Even though I look ok outside, even though I might laugh and joke, inside I'm constantly starving or crying or both. It's sick, a sick game, and I hate it but sometimes he doesn't understand that I have to pretend.
He hates when I lie to him about purging or whatever but I know that if I told him the truth all the time his heart would break. : ( And I would be even more ashamed than I already am, if that's possible.