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I am only defined by my weight.
I am only a number on a scale.
I am only as good inside as I am thin on the outside.

If I am not thin, then I am weak.
If I am not thin, then I am ugly.
If I am not thin, then I have no control.

I feel pressured to be thin.
I feel pressured to control my intake.
I feel pressured to exercise.

Nobody cares if I am thin.
Nobody cares if I have bulimia.
Nobody cares if I don't eat.

That's why I have to make them care.

I will be so thin that it's scary.
I will be so thin that they can't help but stare.
I will be so thin that they'll notice.

I won't be fat forever.
I won't let my body trap me.
I won't let my body lie to me.

I am the only one responsible for my weight.
I am the only one who can control what I eat.
I am the only one who says whether I can be thin or not.


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I was just looking through all of my posts and it's hard to believe that it took me a whole month to lose those stubborn 12 lb. Seems ridiculous but I know there are people who struggle to lose one or two a week. Eight lb in a month?? Seriously? No way Jose.

To me 12 in a month seems so little. I don't feel like I've changed at all. I can see no visible change in my body and nobody has said anything to me. I've lost almost 24 lb altogether and I can't really see a change. It's ridiculous. FUCK my life I just wanna be skinny. Right now I'm starving from running on an empty stomach and I like it but I just don't want the burn today.

Ok it subsided a bit.

But really I think I might go nuts if I don't start seriously losing. I need to stay on track.

I am thinking about just not going to Starbucks in the fall. If I stay away from there I won't be tempted. But the money is soooo good. But I really only need my on-campus job. Augh why is it so complicated. : / Maybe I'll just have the newspaper and my 9 hour work week and focus on getting thin and class stuff. Siiiiigh.