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I don't even deserve to write here today because my weight is so high. This morning I kind of carb-loaded after not sleeping for 48 straight hours, then I slept after a long drawn out argument with B.

He doesn't understand that I'm not going to hurt him, at least intentionally. He is so convinced I'm going to cheat on him or leave him high and dry like the others did that I can't get him to believe me because he doesn't trust me.

I told him I wouldn't drink if he didn't--I think he's afraid of alcoholism. But I meant I wouldn't just go out and get wasted for fun. I went to have a beer with a few friends (just because I like beer for the taste and quality value, not to get drunk, mind you) because it was my last day of work at that place and he found out what I was doing and drove all the way to the guy's house and picked me up.

Of course I just bent to his will because that's what I do. I cried, he said hurtful things, I cried more, he finally admitted he was a dick, then we moved on and had a great breakfast and good conversation.

I think he just wants me to feel something, and he does it to get a rise out of me. I can't feel, he knows that. Obviously if I dealt with emotions properly I wouldn't have this stupid ED in the first place. Idk I'm not really angry--I am perfect for him because I enjoy the abuse and he likes to hurt people. Sad but true.

He gives me the satisfaction of punishment for my supposed sins and I provide him with a figurative punching bag to get out his frustrations.

I don't know if it's healthy--it probably isn't--but then again what about my life actually is?

All I know is this week I don't have to work so I know there isn't a danger of me scarfing down all that nasty shit at work or having excess dairy, etc.

It's sad I'm looking forward to starving.