Decided it's better to just post pics every day, that way I can't fool myself.
Monday, October 4, 2010
151
This morning I was 151 when I got up despite being like 155 when I went to sleep. Water weight? Idk I always weigh less in the am. I have counseling today...we'll see how that goes. In the meantime I'm gonna do some warm-up stretches and have a tiny breakfast to get my metab going. Then go for a brisk walk over to the Dr.'s office and brisk walk back, that's about 3/4 mile. Today I'm going to try to go for an afternoon jog or walk at least but we'll see... it's been difficult these past few days to find the energy and I haven't eaten more than 200 calories (and kept it down) for about a week now so we'll see.
I love looking thinner and feeling thinner in the mornings. My stomach looks much better but there is still fat to get rid of. My inner thighs is where it's really a problem, at least in my eyes. Oh and my back. Lower sides, love handles. Ugh I have about five lb to lose there and three on each upper leg and two on my stomach alone. Grr. Not to mention shaving away the thin layer that's preventing my ribs from poking out all pretty. And my nasty bat-wings. Ughhhh.
Think I'm going to go to the store today and get some more baby food and stock up a little while I have money. Maybe get some lo-cal protein or something, and a vitamin for my hair and nails. They're gettin a little funky.
I love looking thinner and feeling thinner in the mornings. My stomach looks much better but there is still fat to get rid of. My inner thighs is where it's really a problem, at least in my eyes. Oh and my back. Lower sides, love handles. Ugh I have about five lb to lose there and three on each upper leg and two on my stomach alone. Grr. Not to mention shaving away the thin layer that's preventing my ribs from poking out all pretty. And my nasty bat-wings. Ughhhh.
Think I'm going to go to the store today and get some more baby food and stock up a little while I have money. Maybe get some lo-cal protein or something, and a vitamin for my hair and nails. They're gettin a little funky.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
152?
Guess drinking all that water helped banish the bloat from last night's pizza excursion. I only ate two slices and it was super thin crust. Today I ate a fifty cal baby food and 100 cal worth of soup and tried to hold it down but then just went in the bathroom and purged it. Probably only about 60 cals of it but...idk. I just made up that sixty cals by eating a jell-o mousse thing, which was my sweets for the day. Those things are sooo good and they're sugar free. I still feel guilty as hell for eating them but meh.
It's strange how I can see my thoughts morphing, and I'm doing nothing to stop it. I'm achy and tired from not eating, not sleeping properly. My hair is just...well it's bad news. My teeth are achy too and I can't muster the energy to go to the gym or for a walk or even to take a shower sometimes : /
And still I think...it's okay, because I'm getting thinner. I know I will mess up down the road and I will punish myself and I've accepted that with some sort of resigned calmness.
I hate this feeling. Like I'm accepting defeat. But right now I feel like I'm too weak to fight it.
Guess I'll tell Counselor that tomorrow morning at our appointment. . . Meh.
I think the boyfriend is gonna want to go out to eat tonight; he said he was hungry...hopefully he won't make me suffer : (
It's strange how I can see my thoughts morphing, and I'm doing nothing to stop it. I'm achy and tired from not eating, not sleeping properly. My hair is just...well it's bad news. My teeth are achy too and I can't muster the energy to go to the gym or for a walk or even to take a shower sometimes : /
And still I think...it's okay, because I'm getting thinner. I know I will mess up down the road and I will punish myself and I've accepted that with some sort of resigned calmness.
I hate this feeling. Like I'm accepting defeat. But right now I feel like I'm too weak to fight it.
Guess I'll tell Counselor that tomorrow morning at our appointment. . . Meh.
I think the boyfriend is gonna want to go out to eat tonight; he said he was hungry...hopefully he won't make me suffer : (
155
I messed up last night and had pizza with my friends. I know this weight is really just water from the carbs because I know I didn't eat enough to actually gain, but still : /
I feel bad because I was guilted into it--and then when I got there they were making fun of me for not eating even though I said I just ate. They didn't believe me : / I feel like I can't lie to my friends.
Now I'm lying here considering taking a bunch of lax but I don't want to be miserable all night 'cause boyfriend will be here plus I have work to do. Then again I probably deserve the misery for messing up anyway.
I came home right after and tried to purge but bread is so so so hard to purge. I got a little of it up but nothing to make a substantial difference. I wanted to go to the gym but I just felt so woozy and tired. So last night, all that work was for nothing and then I messed up and tried to purge again. Fuck.
I just don't want to purge. I'm fine with starving, at least for awhile. I just don't want to purge!! Please : (
/end immature rant.
I feel bad because I was guilted into it--and then when I got there they were making fun of me for not eating even though I said I just ate. They didn't believe me : / I feel like I can't lie to my friends.
Now I'm lying here considering taking a bunch of lax but I don't want to be miserable all night 'cause boyfriend will be here plus I have work to do. Then again I probably deserve the misery for messing up anyway.
I came home right after and tried to purge but bread is so so so hard to purge. I got a little of it up but nothing to make a substantial difference. I wanted to go to the gym but I just felt so woozy and tired. So last night, all that work was for nothing and then I messed up and tried to purge again. Fuck.
I just don't want to purge. I'm fine with starving, at least for awhile. I just don't want to purge!! Please : (
/end immature rant.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Hunger
I guess it's been a long time since I let myself get truly hungry. Usually I'll satisfy myself with a tiny meal if it gets unbearable but I've given up on that in the last few days. I've pretty much eaten spinach, onions and fruit for the last three days and not a lot of it. This morning I had a toddlers' size cup of cereal with skim milk (100?) and a couple of hours later I had a pot of baby food that was 50 cal. I want to have a bit more cereal but right now I'm having a cough drop in hopes I can put off the cereal a bit longer. I don't want to eat anything at all after six p.m.
Anyway the real reason for this post is that I'm just going a little bit crazy because usually I don't /feel/ my hunger. It just sits there dead and eventually goes away after a few minutes.
I don't mean to bore any possible readers (though unlikely) with the minutiae, but I've just chewed up the rest of the lozenge and that made my hunger immediately subside.
Depriving myself of chewing is the problem? Maybe I'll eat something crunchy then.
I'm worried about this. My body is behaving strangely. I'd like to say I'm used to it but I'm not. It reminds me of anorexia. Discipline, the struggle to actually eat rather than to avoid it... It's a slippery slope.
Anyway the real reason for this post is that I'm just going a little bit crazy because usually I don't /feel/ my hunger. It just sits there dead and eventually goes away after a few minutes.
I don't mean to bore any possible readers (though unlikely) with the minutiae, but I've just chewed up the rest of the lozenge and that made my hunger immediately subside.
Depriving myself of chewing is the problem? Maybe I'll eat something crunchy then.
I'm worried about this. My body is behaving strangely. I'd like to say I'm used to it but I'm not. It reminds me of anorexia. Discipline, the struggle to actually eat rather than to avoid it... It's a slippery slope.
Curioser and Curioser...153
Down a pound. Pictures at the end. Also, I found out last night that if you don't eat real food for a week you can get drunk off of two beers.
ANYWAY.
Woke up this morning, to the lovely sounds of my "takeyourpills" alarm, which goes off at 9 o'clock am each day. I was a little dazed and, to be fair, still a little drunk, and definitely dehydrated.
Tossed back my vitamins and a prozac and chugged a sugarfree vitaminwater. Looked down at Boyfriend, who was still somehow asleep despite my alarm and clumsy clunking around the room.
Sometimes I just find him to be so beautiful...so I feel like I need to indulge myself a little here. He is tall. Taller than I am. Taller than his parents are, which is saying something because they are taller than most Mexicans. He has a beautiful, symmetrical face, with features that are not too big or too small. His skin is one of my favorite features. It is not the dim yellow-brown that many of his family members have; rather, it is a russet color, chestnut and cinnamon and always warm to the touch. His eyes are the best thing, dark brown-black and almond shaped, with long dark eyelashes that I regard with envy every day as I stroke mascara onto my stick-straight fringe. Those eyes are so dark brown that it is hard to distinguish the pupil from the iris. They are so open and liquid sometimes that he seems innocent, but I know what he has been through in his short life. He is a year younger than I am but a thousand years older. He has made some selfless life choices that I know I wouldn't have had the strength to make. He has also made those choices and they've led him to me. Being a young child in Mexico it must have been difficult coming to America and having to learn about a whole new language and culture. Being the only one who can't speak English in the entire class, not knowing what's going on, and having to do it day after day... I'd have folded. Growing up in rough neighborhoods and still being a good student, still staying away from drugs, staying in school, staying out of a gang despite the temptation for quick money. Living with an immigrant family who is proud of what it has but scorned by others for what they have. Graduating high school and making the choice to join the Marines because it would mean that your family could pay off the modest home they live in and eat and have water and all the other basic needs. And now, that he is in college, doing the work he's always wanted to do, he still makes sure that his needs come last.
I know he must have cried. He must have struggled. He must have thought to himself...why? Why me? Can I just have a little break? Can it just be easy for awhile?
And I've thought that for the last six and a half years. Why? Why me? Just give me one little break. I've even thought about pretending to believe in god just so I'd have something to pray to or to blame. The difference between him and me is that he has struggled against outside forces and come out on top, and I've struggled against myself and still lost so far.
And I sit and cry in my bathroom, feet pressed to the cold tile as I try to ground myself from my dizzy spell, heart thudding mercilessly in my chest and in my ears, my throat on fire and my knuckles bruised. I haven't the strength nor the will to get up and go to bed.
And then I slide forward onto my hands and knees and I crawl to the scale. I steady myself against the shower wall and I stand and place my feet evenly on the scale and note the slight change, the slight shift to the left from 4 to 3 and triumph sends butterflies through my stomach. I'm lightheaded and giddy for a different reason, and though my legs are rubbery I find a way to do a couple of lunges and squats on the way back to bed, mind and body empty and light.
It's pathetic.
I cause myself this pain, and he makes sure to cater to me, to pet my hair, to whisper against my temples that it's going to be okay. He cradles me in his arms and I try to convince myself that there's a reason that this beautiful person cares about me, and I close my eyes and let him tell me nothing, the cadence of the lilt in his voice soft but present, the remnant of a decade-long battle to blend in.
It's that that we have in common. He is trying to blend, to be like everyone, to be liked by everyone, so much that he is now afraid to be too kind. He doesn't want to be walked on, or wrong, or made a fool of.
I just want to disappear.
This self hatred is what drives me. This unexplained need to be perfect and adored, to make sure that I'm pleasing everyone, and that I'm bothering no one. I'm no longer hungry; rather, there is a gnawing emptiness that is ever-present, yet I cannot convince myself that it is ok to fix that emptiness.
Which is why this counseling is not working. I don't feel that I deserve to be full. I don't want to be, and even if I did I couldn't be. Not when I have so much to make up for. Not when I have so many people to care for. Not when I have so many responsibilities.
I know that one day I won't be able to take it anymore and this body will fail me. That frightens me, but it also sounds like a relief. A rest, a quietness from the obnoxious, noisy, negative chatter that constantly feeds my brain and pounds on the inside of my skull until I let it out to wreak its havoc on my body.
Let loose these dogs of war and let them rip at my flesh until I'm a mere skeleton. A bag of bones with which they will shortly lose interest.
Maybe then I can rest.
--
In other news...
Here are some better, less water-retaining pictures of me. Two days of chugging water and green tea helps fight bloat soooo much.
Still so much to go though. I'm 152 or 153 here.
ANYWAY.
Woke up this morning, to the lovely sounds of my "takeyourpills" alarm, which goes off at 9 o'clock am each day. I was a little dazed and, to be fair, still a little drunk, and definitely dehydrated.
Tossed back my vitamins and a prozac and chugged a sugarfree vitaminwater. Looked down at Boyfriend, who was still somehow asleep despite my alarm and clumsy clunking around the room.
Sometimes I just find him to be so beautiful...so I feel like I need to indulge myself a little here. He is tall. Taller than I am. Taller than his parents are, which is saying something because they are taller than most Mexicans. He has a beautiful, symmetrical face, with features that are not too big or too small. His skin is one of my favorite features. It is not the dim yellow-brown that many of his family members have; rather, it is a russet color, chestnut and cinnamon and always warm to the touch. His eyes are the best thing, dark brown-black and almond shaped, with long dark eyelashes that I regard with envy every day as I stroke mascara onto my stick-straight fringe. Those eyes are so dark brown that it is hard to distinguish the pupil from the iris. They are so open and liquid sometimes that he seems innocent, but I know what he has been through in his short life. He is a year younger than I am but a thousand years older. He has made some selfless life choices that I know I wouldn't have had the strength to make. He has also made those choices and they've led him to me. Being a young child in Mexico it must have been difficult coming to America and having to learn about a whole new language and culture. Being the only one who can't speak English in the entire class, not knowing what's going on, and having to do it day after day... I'd have folded. Growing up in rough neighborhoods and still being a good student, still staying away from drugs, staying in school, staying out of a gang despite the temptation for quick money. Living with an immigrant family who is proud of what it has but scorned by others for what they have. Graduating high school and making the choice to join the Marines because it would mean that your family could pay off the modest home they live in and eat and have water and all the other basic needs. And now, that he is in college, doing the work he's always wanted to do, he still makes sure that his needs come last.
I know he must have cried. He must have struggled. He must have thought to himself...why? Why me? Can I just have a little break? Can it just be easy for awhile?
And I've thought that for the last six and a half years. Why? Why me? Just give me one little break. I've even thought about pretending to believe in god just so I'd have something to pray to or to blame. The difference between him and me is that he has struggled against outside forces and come out on top, and I've struggled against myself and still lost so far.
And I sit and cry in my bathroom, feet pressed to the cold tile as I try to ground myself from my dizzy spell, heart thudding mercilessly in my chest and in my ears, my throat on fire and my knuckles bruised. I haven't the strength nor the will to get up and go to bed.
And then I slide forward onto my hands and knees and I crawl to the scale. I steady myself against the shower wall and I stand and place my feet evenly on the scale and note the slight change, the slight shift to the left from 4 to 3 and triumph sends butterflies through my stomach. I'm lightheaded and giddy for a different reason, and though my legs are rubbery I find a way to do a couple of lunges and squats on the way back to bed, mind and body empty and light.
It's pathetic.
I cause myself this pain, and he makes sure to cater to me, to pet my hair, to whisper against my temples that it's going to be okay. He cradles me in his arms and I try to convince myself that there's a reason that this beautiful person cares about me, and I close my eyes and let him tell me nothing, the cadence of the lilt in his voice soft but present, the remnant of a decade-long battle to blend in.
It's that that we have in common. He is trying to blend, to be like everyone, to be liked by everyone, so much that he is now afraid to be too kind. He doesn't want to be walked on, or wrong, or made a fool of.
I just want to disappear.
This self hatred is what drives me. This unexplained need to be perfect and adored, to make sure that I'm pleasing everyone, and that I'm bothering no one. I'm no longer hungry; rather, there is a gnawing emptiness that is ever-present, yet I cannot convince myself that it is ok to fix that emptiness.
Which is why this counseling is not working. I don't feel that I deserve to be full. I don't want to be, and even if I did I couldn't be. Not when I have so much to make up for. Not when I have so many people to care for. Not when I have so many responsibilities.
I know that one day I won't be able to take it anymore and this body will fail me. That frightens me, but it also sounds like a relief. A rest, a quietness from the obnoxious, noisy, negative chatter that constantly feeds my brain and pounds on the inside of my skull until I let it out to wreak its havoc on my body.
Let loose these dogs of war and let them rip at my flesh until I'm a mere skeleton. A bag of bones with which they will shortly lose interest.
Maybe then I can rest.
--
In other news...
Here are some better, less water-retaining pictures of me. Two days of chugging water and green tea helps fight bloat soooo much.
Still so much to go though. I'm 152 or 153 here.
Friday, October 1, 2010
154
Looked in the mirror today and turned to the sides. Can see my hipbones. Thank jebus they're finally coming back. I'm just so panicked at having all this stuff on me. I hate it.
After three days of minimal eating I've lost any specific cravings. I just get a gnawing feeling of hunger sometimes but it's not like OMG need chocolate now!
I'm glad I didn't buy snack foods the other day.
I spend all my time at the grocery wandering up and down the aisles looking at all the things I can never buy for myself : (
I know I never will. Bleh...
Boyfriend ran his hands over me today and said in a concerned tone: "Baby...I can feel your ribs." and looked at me with his brown eyes, so concerned. My heart jumped in happiness but I also hate that it hurts him. Whyyyy am I hurting people?
I need to get out of this negative mindset.
After three days of minimal eating I've lost any specific cravings. I just get a gnawing feeling of hunger sometimes but it's not like OMG need chocolate now!
I'm glad I didn't buy snack foods the other day.
I spend all my time at the grocery wandering up and down the aisles looking at all the things I can never buy for myself : (
I know I never will. Bleh...
Boyfriend ran his hands over me today and said in a concerned tone: "Baby...I can feel your ribs." and looked at me with his brown eyes, so concerned. My heart jumped in happiness but I also hate that it hurts him. Whyyyy am I hurting people?
I need to get out of this negative mindset.
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