Well. Being healthy failed. Now I'm back to starving and purging : ( Fml. I just want to live a normal life.
Today I had:
Bit of egg white omelet - 50? idk - purged
Chocolate - 100? -purged
Monster energy - 0
Tall Frappuccino lite - 150 - purged
: ( help?
Friday, May 6, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Plan
Ok. I am going to fall harder into my ED if I don't make a plan. This will help me lose weight, yes, but also not veer off course into something nasty.
So my plan is,
Friday:
B - Steel cut oats with stevia (130)
L - Chicken and quinoa (300)
D - Sauteed mushrooms with spinach (60)
Total: 490
Saturday:
B - Banana (90)
S - Fiber One or Special K bar (90)
L - Grilled Chicken with Spinach (150)
D - Smoothie or salad (170)
Total: 500
Sunday:
B - Nothing
L - Nothing
D - at the wine lounge, probs about 700 calories of wine
So my plan is,
Friday:
B - Steel cut oats with stevia (130)
L - Chicken and quinoa (300)
D - Sauteed mushrooms with spinach (60)
Total: 490
Saturday:
B - Banana (90)
S - Fiber One or Special K bar (90)
L - Grilled Chicken with Spinach (150)
D - Smoothie or salad (170)
Total: 500
Sunday:
B - Nothing
L - Nothing
D - at the wine lounge, probs about 700 calories of wine
143
It's been awhile. Gained and lost. Took a ton of laxatives yesterday. Feeling much better now.
Told boyfriend and friends I used to take drugs.
Never told parents.
Idk. I feel like I can never tell them now.
OH welll.
It's 9 am central time in North America.
No calories consumed thus far. Thinking I will do some weight-bearing exercise today--running doesn't look like it's happening.
Told boyfriend and friends I used to take drugs.
Never told parents.
Idk. I feel like I can never tell them now.
OH welll.
It's 9 am central time in North America.
No calories consumed thus far. Thinking I will do some weight-bearing exercise today--running doesn't look like it's happening.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
144
organic energy bar - 200
naked juice - 280
organic steel cut oats - 120
600 calories so far.
really thinking about going to purge up that energy bar i just ate. even though it's healthy. fuckin kill me. but i have to do it before matt gets home.
help? anyone?
i decided i'm at least going to try to purge.
no, at most i'll get up maybe like 200 calories and it's not worth it. if i just keep this healthy stuff down i 'm less likely to eat a bunch of crap later so i am just going to try and keep this bit down. from now, only going to eat what i can write in my book. going downstairs go get it right now.
naked juice - 280
organic steel cut oats - 120
600 calories so far.
really thinking about going to purge up that energy bar i just ate. even though it's healthy. fuckin kill me. but i have to do it before matt gets home.
help? anyone?
i decided i'm at least going to try to purge.
no, at most i'll get up maybe like 200 calories and it's not worth it. if i just keep this healthy stuff down i 'm less likely to eat a bunch of crap later so i am just going to try and keep this bit down. from now, only going to eat what i can write in my book. going downstairs go get it right now.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
. . . i'm back.
after maintaining for four months, I am back. bulimia is back, anorexia is back, ednos is back.
fuck.
i was happy.
why does this happen.
fuck.
i was happy.
why does this happen.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Phew.
Back under 140 thank goodness. I can't remember even when I was 150, 160, 170, or 180... Eugh. Thank goodness I'm not there anymore. Only 20 or 25 more to go.
I planned a day today where I could have what I wanted because I've been plateauing and my working out isn't taking off the inches. My body's refusing. So I decided to eat a bit today. All I had was a bowl of Special K and half a sandwich but I still feel like a fat whore.
Fuck.
Anyway, getting my mind off of that, had my friend J over last night. He's lovely, my best friend : ) Being with hiim made me soooo happy! We had such a good time. I haven't laughed like that for ages.
Visiting the boyfriend after Christmas instead of before. That way we'll have more time together...to talk. Meh.
Well must go. Sorry for the lapse in updates though apparently nobody actually reads this ; )
Peace, loves.
I planned a day today where I could have what I wanted because I've been plateauing and my working out isn't taking off the inches. My body's refusing. So I decided to eat a bit today. All I had was a bowl of Special K and half a sandwich but I still feel like a fat whore.
Fuck.
Anyway, getting my mind off of that, had my friend J over last night. He's lovely, my best friend : ) Being with hiim made me soooo happy! We had such a good time. I haven't laughed like that for ages.
Visiting the boyfriend after Christmas instead of before. That way we'll have more time together...to talk. Meh.
Well must go. Sorry for the lapse in updates though apparently nobody actually reads this ; )
Peace, loves.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.
FML
I want to die. Since I made my first goal I let myself have a few MnMs and a diet coke.
Now I am 3 lbs up. FUCK. I guess I just am not allowed to eat. Well I can do that. Wish I had some laxatives...
Oh wait. I have a little money...I could buy some today. . . Well that's defo happening. And I am /not/ eating Jimmy Joe's BBQ with boyfriend on Sunday... no matter how guilty he makes me feel.
GODDAMNIT.
I want to die. Since I made my first goal I let myself have a few MnMs and a diet coke.
Now I am 3 lbs up. FUCK. I guess I just am not allowed to eat. Well I can do that. Wish I had some laxatives...
Oh wait. I have a little money...I could buy some today. . . Well that's defo happening. And I am /not/ eating Jimmy Joe's BBQ with boyfriend on Sunday... no matter how guilty he makes me feel.
GODDAMNIT.
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