166?

Fuck this noise.

I'm happy to be so low but I know it's just my period making it happen.

Still--it's my lowest since this hellish nightmare started.

So I guess I'll take it.

I just watched the season premiere of HUGE on Abc family. WTF is all I can say. I'm glad they're addressing body image but I can already see an onslaught of ED-related drama.

I searched for treatment today online but all of it sounded more intense than I thought I needed. I'm so confused. I know I'm messed up but I don't feel like I'm sick enough to need help?

And then I know that doesn't make sense...so I'm worse still? God I don't even fucking know. All I know is that people are catching on and I'm panicking only thinking how can I make myself smaller each day? How many calories can I burn doing this? How long can I go without eating?

Or the best one--it's been days since I ate, so why am I not losing?

I'm so unhealthy.
FUCK.

170

Despite probably retaining water on the rag, I'm 170. Gives me hope that I'm back on track. Can't believe I let myself get to 172 again.
FUCK. I hate it.

Bout to go run for at least an hour and burn 700 cals HOPEFULLY. I burn 2088 cals a day to stay alive according to my basal metabolic rate.

With a deficit of 2088 cals a day, I'd lose 4.176 lb a week. Coupled with exercise it would be more so I'm thinking I'm about to go hit the streets for a long run and then reward myself with a nap!

Buying a bathing suit friday I think. Sigh.

171

Only had liquids today, but they were high-cal. I'm gonna say I had probably like 500 maybe 600 if I'm really pushing it. Water, coffee, and tea for the rest of the day.

I just obsessively freaked out and ran around my house looking for laxatives to flush my system. I weighed myself fifteen times or more just in case the number changed.

I've been denying myself this long, I've always 'said' i have an ED but I've always just thought I was choosing it. Now I realize--the pain is real.

It's depressing, I'll admit.

All I can think about is the number on the scale.

Fuck.

You know, the sick thing is that I think about this while I'm eating. I think, 'Don't. You'll regret it." but I do it anyway because it's what I want at the time.

How am I ever going to be 18.5 BMI if I keep this shit up? 120's my 'goal' weight.

110's my real one. But I'll probably be dead by then.

<3 Cheers.

172 again?

Wtf. Time to whip my ass into gear. FUCK.

Controlled.

Phew. I think I'm under control again. Idk what just happened this week but lordy I'm glad to be me.

Laxative day, cleaning out everything so I can be pure.
And maybe fucked in the ass. But who knows.

170 today.

fuuuuuuuuck

i'mawhoretofood

172 stop eating you worthless bitch

diet

"I'd offer her one but I know she doesn't want it."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Long pause.
"I just know you're really good about watching what you eat."


FUCK YOU.