160?

Idk I've ingested a lot of liquids today, not to mention a sandwich from Subway. I decided today that i'm going to let myself have a cravings day, where I just let myself eat whatever the fuck I want for the entire night. Tomorrow, I begin my regimen again.

3 Baby food containers a day.
Fiber crisps
Rice cakes
Water

es todo

-

155

When I woke up and weighed this is what it was.

Then~

I ate lunch with my friends. I had a veggie burger. It tasted good but I'm soooo full now. I don't like the weighty feeling. And the worst part is that right before I went I was like noooo, you should just stay home, not worth it, blahh.

: (

I never listen to myself.

So much shit has gone on in the last day it's a wonder i haven't binged.
My boyfriend, who constantly insures me he is fine, that he won't come, that he knows when it's coming, and he won't do it inside me...totally did last night. Right in the middle of the month, the most dangerous time.

So I went to CVS last night and got emergency contraception : /
Here's hoping that shit works. I don't want to have to deal with this.

156

Idk somewhere between 155 and 159. My scale is weird, or I drank a lot. I woke up and weighed and I was 154.5 then I weighed again and I was `58. Need to buy a digital scale next time. Mhm.

Been meaning to clean my room but I've been super lazy lately.

Interviewing RFK, Jr. tonight. Kinda nervous--never interviewed anyone like that before.

Ate decently at lunch. Bite of a sandwich. Nibble of salad. A few spoons of vegetable soup. 1/3 of a banana. A cookie. Diet coke.

Idk i just wasn't in the mood.

I was struck by a horribly delicious thought this morning: what would I look like if I dropped sixty lb?
Emaciated to be sure but it was just morbid curiosity. Giving myself a goal for this week. Under 155 consistently for three days to be sure it's not just water. Get back into working out. I'll go tonight. It's always the thought of going that's worse than actually being there.

159

Back to `59 because i let myself be a whore to food. I'm going to try really hard to do some serious clean eating and get myself back into fasting mode and stay there for a long freaking time.

things are oddly blissful and easy with the boyfriend.
he let something very offensive that i said go the other night. i felt really bad about saying it, and i think he learned that the only way we're ever going to be able to work is if we compromise. hopes.

159

Binged all weekend, haven't gotten rid of anything and I'm only at 159? Weird.

Well just in case I'm gonna run like a bitch tomorrow and try to eat absolutely nothing. It'll feel good to be pure. Plus my hair will be pretty. Maybe I can just eat fruit and vegetables...That'd be clean eating for sure.

Gotta get down below 150.

Got picked up by three boys this weekend. Odd? Yes. Satisfying? Yes. . . Ish. But Will be better when they pick me up and they're like OMG you're so light!

So much homework...not enough time for food. Haha.

Binge

I ate two normal meals yesterday and I felt like I was going to die. TOO MUCH. But I had to do it because I don't want my mom to worry. I didn't stop then though. I had a caramel apple spice at starbuck's (sugar free syrup), and an oreo cookie. FML. A 'normal' day for anyone else but for me--insanity.

I talked to a counselor yesterday morning about my desperation to get out of this situation. Just to be healthy. To end not only my disordered eating but my disordered thinking. He suggested I start a journal--ha! x) I told him I already write so that was good. He sees benefits in the way that I think though--the fact that I know my behaviors are wrong is a good thing.

But he says I should tell my mom what a struggle I'm going through, but she's already dealing with so much. Plus she has lot rent to pay, and there's a lot of crap going on with her. . . So I'd feel guiltier telling her.

Annnd...secretly I really want to get under my UGW, which will only take a few more months so I'm kinda...Idk. Kinda mixed. Rather not purge ever again, but if I starve... I dunno if I can keep that disciplined though. The B/P cycle is really ingrained, and so is the guilt after I eat. So maybe not yet.

The other side of that coin is that I don't have money for the treatment my counselor wants. He doesn't seem to understand that free counseling is my only option. That and antidepressants : / But he's not an expert in eating disorders and doesn't know how to approach it anyway.

Anyone have any ideas?

No Fucking Idea

I'm home for the weekend. Mixed feelings. Kinda want to be back at school. Thought I'd be more excited but I'm kinda meh right now. Kind of want to be with my friends at the party but don't just wanna go back. Might go back tomorrow night. Idk..... I feel strange. I was really wanting to come home to get away from the stress but now I'm here and it's just. . . idk. Not the relief I wanted it to be.
Strange.