156

Just want to get below. : (
Maybe after this weekend. I'm going home for the weekend so it'll be a good chance to recharge. Don't really want to drive but meh.

Feeling very unhappy. Don't want to get out of bed to go to class. No motivation for schoolwork at all. No motivation to do anything at all. Just want to feel okay.

And still I feel I'm not sick enough to need help. I feel like there's a cold ache around my heart, in my chest. Weighing me down.

I hate this town. I am not enjoying school. Being with my boyfriend isn't fun anymore. Nothing's fun anymore.

I just need something.

No idea

I'll weigh later when I'm naked. I weighed with clothes on and a lot of water in my body and a bit of lunch and I was still a couple lb under 160 so I'm hoping that's the case. Took laxes last night but not a lot happened. I just want to clean meself out. Been drinking a lot more water and gonna start deep conditioning my hair. Getting to the point where my body's failing...not good. : ( I'm not even skinny yet.

-

Looking forward to winter when I'll want hot tea all the time. Unfortunately cold weather means...: / Less natural heat to keep me warm. Hoping to be skinny by then though. I /need/ to make this happen.


-

After spending an evening bitching me out, boyfriend finally confessed that he stole files off of my computer. Videos. My weight-loss video log. He claims he didn't watch them but it's the principle of the thing...he took my stuff without asking, my private intimate log : ( and he always gave me crap about it too. Always made me feel guilty for not trusting him when all along he had stolen my vids. : ( Idk how to feel about that, other than I can feel this relationship falling apart. I thought I could be with him for a long time but I'm very unhappy and this just isn't working out it seems. I can deal with it in the short term but long term I just don't know. But I know he's really in love with me... Just the other night he told me that he's never felt this way about anyone and he feels scared that I'm going to hurt him.

Well maybe I am : /

I don't know. But now I feel pressured. I wish we'd never said the 'L' word.
I guess you live and learn some days.

-

The other night I was thinking and I miss my ex-boyfriend. I know he wasn't good for me. He was emotionally abusive. He didn't care that stuff hurt my feelings. He made me feel like the bad guy all the time, even when I was just saying my feelings were hurt. He always wanted sex, all the time. I know it's just a male hormone thing but it's like... he started saying stuff about if I 'teased' him and didn't follow through he'd be angry. And at times he would get really really pissed. Made me feel like I owed it to him or something.

But I guess I'm in that breakup stage where I gloss over the bad stuff and remember the good, like how I always knew how he'd respond. I knew his favorites. I knew what gifts to get him. I knew that if I said a joke he'd laugh, and I could really be myself around him.

With Boyfriend, I feel sometimes like that's not possible. I never know how he'll respond. If I joke he can take offense to it and gets super serious. And once he's angry there's no getting out of it.

I guess I've only known him half a year but... Still. I wish we'd have been friends first. He's jealous and telling me I can't be friends with this guy because the guy might have had a crush on me at some point. Honestly, I know he just feels threatened because the other guy is extremely good looking, he's a bit older than me (only a couple years) and our personalities mesh quite well. There's no way I'd ever cheat on Boyfriend, but he doesn't see it. I would date the other boy in question if ever the time came where I wanted to and he wanted to and things wouldn't be awkward, but I would obviously not do so while I was involved. I just can't do that.

I don't even think about it.

Grr.

Wtf ever.

-

I flipped my shit last night. Haven't felt that way in a looong time. I just felt so angry, irrationally so. So hateful. Resentful. It was awful : ( I was so restless--I felt like I couldn't do anything to make the feeling go away. I felt hot. In despair. So depressed. Worthless. It came in waves.

So I decided that even though i'm not going back to group therapy right now, i'm going to the university counselor... : / idk how to talk to her about this though. so confusing.

i guess i've just never quite felt this depressed before.
awful.

154

Back to lowest weight since diagnosed with BULLimia. 34 lb seems so far away, but I've already lost that much so I know I can do it again. BMI is 22.7.

Measurements:
Hips: 36.5 (Child-bearing hips...never be smaller than 33 I think. Sigh.)
Waist: 28
Bust: 34
Thighs: 22.4

Getting smaller. Slowly but surely. Loving it. Feeling it. Seeing it.

The only weird thing is that I can see my ribs fairly prominently and I'm not thin yet. But they do stick out. And I can start to see my hipbones now. I need to tone up in the abs area. : / Off to go nom a salad before I binge in my room.

155

Hm. Confusion at this weight loss. But I won't complain. I'm doing homework and crunches intermittently. Gonna switch it up with lunges, a few walks down the stairs and back, and jogging in place for the day. Good way to keep the metab up and the boredom away I think. I have /so/ much work to do before Monday, and I'm sooo not looking forward to it. Egh. Oh well, I know it will get done...it's just all badly timed.

In other news my BMI is below 23 now. I'm at 22.9 according to nhlbisupport.com. Six more points seems so far away.

so I'm 155 which means I have 35 lb left to lose until I'm 120. Idk if I can make it before December at the rate I've been going. . . Unless I just really dedicate myself and don't fuck up but idk if that's going to happen. I really am just hoping to not go home until then and then when I'm back for Christmas break be really thin. That would be so nice...only I'd hate everyone commenting on it though : (

That'd be embarrassing. I can't wait to see my beautiful body, the one that's trapped under all this.

And ya know I can see girls that are bigger than me that must be 150, 160, 170...it's not that uncommon but I feel so huuuuge. It's awful : (

Oh well. I'm not going to be one of those. I'm going to be the one they envy, the one they despise, the one that they say OMG you're so tiny! Described as Oh, she's about 110, 120 lb. Omg 110...I can't even imagine. 45 lb thinner? Ugh I die of happiness. I'd be soooo tiny.

Gotta stop running so much and switch to walking...legs are bulking up from muscle
: (
not good. want them smaller. but it's good i have more muscle to burn more calories i guess. anyway i'm going to try and stay focused this week. My goals' to touch 150 on the scale by next saturday. Five lb isn't that much. Tiny goal is to be below 155 tomorrow.

156-7?

Idk I must have been dehydrated cause it said 154 when I woke up this morning. Slowly but surely goddamnit.

I copied and pasted a giant majority of this journal for my boyfriend to read last night after he asked to see it. I think maybe it will help him to understand a little bit more about me. Hopefully.

Drinkin' some tea today--gonna think about doing some homework, then gonna hang out with my bestie tonight for a lil' while since she's on rounds. Gotta love it.


Not a lot to say today. My boyfriend packed up all his stuff and said he was going to leave. But then he didn't. I know that this ED is a lot to deal with and that it makes me cranky and that it puts a rift between us...I wish it didn't but it's the truth. After all that he just sat down and cried and told me he was scared for me.

I think I understand him a little better now.

160

Been running every day, eating minimally, weight's not dropping.
Fuck my life.

Not to mention I purged today after dinner and my boyfriend totally caught me so we got into a fight, he's all mad.

But it's more that he's upset--he's afraid I'll die.
I understand...but I can't change it either. I'd much rather just starve myself but I get the compulsion. When I'm not terrified of food I binge and purge. I hate it. He doesn't understand.

Scale says 160

Probs at 158 in the am-ish.

Fml. I can't believe this. So much hard work and nothing. Looks like I'm going to have to actually eat stuff to keep my metab up : / Feck.

My fear of eating collides with my fear of being fat...
Bleh