Phew.

Back under 140 thank goodness. I can't remember even when I was 150, 160, 170, or 180... Eugh. Thank goodness I'm not there anymore. Only 20 or 25 more to go.

I planned a day today where I could have what I wanted because I've been plateauing and my working out isn't taking off the inches. My body's refusing. So I decided to eat a bit today. All I had was a bowl of Special K and half a sandwich but I still feel like a fat whore.

Fuck.

Anyway, getting my mind off of that, had my friend J over last night. He's lovely, my best friend : ) Being with hiim made me soooo happy! We had such a good time. I haven't laughed like that for ages.

Visiting the boyfriend after Christmas instead of before. That way we'll have more time together...to talk. Meh.

Well must go. Sorry for the lapse in updates though apparently nobody actually reads this ; )

Peace, loves.

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

FML

I want to die. Since I made my first goal I let myself have a few MnMs and a diet coke.
Now I am 3 lbs up. FUCK. I guess I just am not allowed to eat. Well I can do that. Wish I had some laxatives...
Oh wait. I have a little money...I could buy some today. . . Well that's defo happening. And I am /not/ eating Jimmy Joe's BBQ with boyfriend on Sunday... no matter how guilty he makes me feel.


GODDAMNIT.

140

I am at my first goal weight. BMI of 20. Five more lbs and I'll be at a 19 BMI. YES. I can probably do that within a week and a half if I keep up. I'm on day two of eating pretty much nothing and it's quite nice. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat so I kind of just ignore it. So excited to go back to school this semester and get back into the swing of things. I haven't told my mum that I'm going to lose more weight though. : / but if I go to treatment it will be over summer--I can't bear the idea of missing another semester. So I'm beating this semester out and then yeah we will see.
So far today I have had about 150 cals worth of grapes? I think. And a bowl of cereal with soy milk so probably about 150 for that too. Now I'm having a cup of coffee with a splash of soy milk (35) so total is about 340. I am at a negative calorie count though because I went to the gym and ran/walked for an hour at a pretty quick pace with invtervals of high intensity so I feel pretty good about that. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I'll be below 140. That would be sooo great. : )))) Applying for my job again so maybe I'll have some money coming in. . . that'll be nice.

I just want this fat off of my fucking body. I am getting so sick of it. I just want thin. Lines. Bones. Contours. so tired of it.

143

Well I am restarting the ABC because I had a weekend away from home where I was being watched like a hawk. I didn't gain, but I didn't lose dramatically either.

I am thinking about, no definitely taking laxatives tonight. I don't usually think of them in weight loss terms but it seems like they usually push me over the edge of my next goal (which is 140). I've been stuck here for ages and I'm tired of it. Time to get rid of those lbs. No excuse for being this weight for a month. I remember it took so long to get out of the 60's, the 50's, and now here. I would be losing easier if I was at school : (

Maybe I will just pretend I'm ok and go back in the spring...At least that way I can get skinny again without being watched like a hawk. But it's kind of tempting. I'm on the cusp of getting treatment...

Then I don't have to be like this anymore.

But. . . I'm not at my goal yet : ( I can't bear to think about stopping.

143

Well I am restarting the ABC because I had a weekend away from home where I was being watched like a hawk. I didn't gain, but I didn't lose dramatically either.

I am thinking about, no definitely taking laxatives tonight. I don't usually think of them in weight loss terms but it seems like they usually push me over the edge of my next goal (which is 140). I've been stuck here for ages and I'm tired of it. Time to get rid of those lbs. No excuse for being this weight for a month. I remember it took so long to get out of the 60's, the 50's, and now here. I would be losing easier if I was at school : (

Maybe I will just pretend I'm ok and go back in the spring...At least that way I can get skinny again without being watched like a hawk. But it's kind of tempting. I'm on the cusp of getting treatment...

Then I don't have to be like this anymore.

But. . . I'm not at my goal yet : ( I can't bear to think about stopping.

143

Well I am restarting the ABC because I had a weekend away from home where I was being watched like a hawk. I didn't gain, but I didn't lose dramatically either.

I am thinking about, no definitely taking laxatives tonight. I don't usually think of them in weight loss terms but it seems like they usually push me over the edge of my next goal (which is 140). I've been stuck here for ages and I'm tired of it. Time to get rid of those lbs. No excuse for being this weight for a month. I remember it took so long to get out of the 60's, the 50's, and now here. I would be losing easier if I was at school : (

Maybe I will just pretend I'm ok and go back in the spring...At least that way I can get skinny again without being watched like a hawk. But it's kind of tempting. I'm on the cusp of getting treatment...

Then I don't have to be like this anymore.

But. . . I'm not at my goal yet : ( I can't bear to think about stopping.